Heidi's entries
by unexpected12
Summary: Heidi is the twin sister of Guthrie. After getting into some trouble, she is sent to a therapist who makes her write about key memories in her life to help her make sense of her hurt and confusion.
1. Chapter 1

Heidi´s entries

I never knew my parents but in a way, I feel like my whole life has been controlled by their expectations of me enforced by my brothers. Perhaps it´s more precise to say that I don´t remember them rather than not knowing them because technically, I did know them for a short time before they died, but I don´t remember them. Neither does my twin brother, Guthrie. We were only 2 when our parents were killed in a car accident effectively leaving my seven brothers and I orphaned. Brothers 1 and 2, otherwise known as Adam and Brian became the guardians to the rest of us and raised us, even though they were so young. Adam was just 18 and Brian was 16. When I think about how young they were at the time, I don´t know how they managed because Brian was only 2 years older than I am now and I couldn´t imagine having to raise a family at my age. Maybe that´s because I´ve been a bit spoilt by my brothers, being the only girl and the youngest.

My name is Heidi and along with my twin brother, Guthrie, we´re the youngest siblings of the McFadden crew. My eldest brothers, Adam, Brian and Crane along with Hannah who is Adam´s wife run the ranch and the rest of us help out when we´re not in school or on the road. Guthrie and I are in the 9th grade in high school and our brother Ford is a senior. Daniel graduated two years ago and he´s away on the road a lot playing with his band-he´s big into music. Evan graduated last year and he´s saving money to go on the rodeo circuit- which if you ask me sounds pretty dangerous. The family is supportive of him because it´s his passion and probably because they know that wild horses wouldn´t keep him away but I don´t see the fun in being repeatedly tossed to the ground. Evan is also really good at breaking in horses- he seems to have more patience with them than people. He certainly has more patient with them than he has with me but maybe that´s because I´ve been a bit of a handful lately. Even though he´s so young, other ranches brings their horses to our ranch so Evan can work with them. We live on a cattle ranch in what is sometimes referred to as the mother lode of California. It´s really beautiful out here but something inside me aches for the bright lights of a big city. I already have a pretty strong feeling that´s where I´ll end up in the future. Somewhere like New York or London or even Paris if Hannah continues to teach me and Guthrie French.

I guess these pangs inside me brings to me to why I´m writing these entries. It´s something my therapist is making me do. Yes, I know, you read therapist and automatically think I´m crazy. Believe me, it was not my idea to go to therapy and I tried to resist in every which way possible but I wasn´t given a choice. Adam and Brian told me I had to go and hand delivered me there, even sitting in the waiting room on my first session, probably to make sure that I wouldn´t bolt. I´ve been in a lot of trouble recently and rebelling against the rules and expectations placed on me by my family. The climax came when I got into trouble one too many times at school and before one of my brothers got to school to pick me up, I took off and disappeared for 24 hours before I was found by the sheriff department and brought home. My whole family were utterly furious with me, even Guthrie who is normally on my side and Crane who is the voice of calm and reason. I guess I scared them all something awful by taking off and my family doesn´t do scared too well because of our history. Adam and Brian don´t spank that often; they threaten to sometimes and normally a threat is enough to keep us in line, especially Guthrie and me because they´re the only parents we can remember. But when either one of them is pushed too far, there´s hell to pay and you better believe you won´t sit down comfortably for a good few days after they´re done dealing with you. Evan jokes that´s what prepared him for rodeo school with Coop Johnson. Anyway, I was convinced that after the stunt I had pulled, I´d be spending time over one of their laps but Hannah saved me. She swept me up into a hug and held me for a long time, not saying anything. She said that I just have felt pretty bad to take off like that and that the best thing for me would be to talk to someone about my feelings outside the family. Adam normally listens to her now and so even though Brian wasn´t convinced, Adam has the final say in our family. And actually, I´m really glad that I went to therapy because Julia- that´s my therapist- has helped me figure some stuff out, deal with my feelings and such.

I love Hannah a whole lot and not just because of that. She´s super smart and strong and sensitive and she goes head to head with Adam when she thinks he´s wrong and normally wins, something which the rest of us really rely on her for. At first I didn´t know what to think when Adam brought her home one day out of the blue and announced to us that he had gotten married. She looked just about as shell-shocked as we did, probably because Adam failed to tell her that she would be living with his 7 siblings. I get why he did it; no one wants a person with kids- you bury these things, but I´m still surprised she stuck around. I kept my distance until the third day when she toppled Crane, Brian and Evan to the ground during one lunchtime when she couldn´t get a word in edgewise. Up until then, I guess I had always taken my brothers´ word as law because it´s all I had ever known, but when I saw her silence them in a matter of seconds, I was mesmerized and Guthrie and I became her number one champions in the family, after Adam of course.

Julia wants me to make a map of the significant moments I can remember in my life because she says writing will help me make sense of it all. So I´ll start with a memory I have when I was 7: the first time Guthrie and I really understood the state and others saw us as orphans…

** This is just something I´ve been playing around with. Would love honest reviews: are people interested in the story continuing?


	2. The meaning of orphan

**The meaning of orphan**

One of my earliest memories is Adam teaching me how to ride a horse on my own. I think I was about 3 years old. Guthrie was probably there too because we were always carted around together when we were younger but he doesn´t feature in the memory. It´s kind of patchy but I remember holding on to the reins of the horse really tightly and I remember Adam´s arm around my waist, holding me in place to make sure I didn´t fall. In fact, all my early childhood memories involve one or more or all of my brothers in some form. The same for Guthrie. But I don't remember my mom and dad. I know from pictures that my dad was real tall like Adam, Brian and Crane and that Brian and Daniel look like him the most. I know that my mom was tall as well- not as tall as dad, but still tall for a woman. She had bright blonde hair like Ford and a small gap in her front two teeth like Evan. I know from stories that mom was real smart, she would always help the boys with their homework and she had graduated as valedictorian of her class. I always wondered why she didn´t go to college and I think I asked Crane once who just looked at me and said, "I don´t know kiddo. Maybe it´s because she got pregnant with Adam when she was so young" before ruffling my hair and stalking off. I didn´t think much of that answer. I know that dad was real musical and that he could pick up any number of instruments and play them by ear and that he could fix almost anything that was broken. But these are just things I´ve been told. I have no real memories of my own.

I guess what I´m trying to say is that unlike my brothers who have a bank of memories they can revisit, all Guthrie and I can remember is Adam and Brian teaching us how to do things. It was Adam who taught Guthrie and me to tell the time and count up to 100 and tie our shoelaces and it was Brian who taught us how to kick a ball and ride a bike. Crane taught us to read and write a little bit before we even went to school and Daniel taught us piano and guitar. We just didn´t know any different and we never thought of ourselves as orphans. I had never even heard of the word. Until second grade and my run in with Jimmy Wheeler.

Jimmy Wheeler is the youngest son of Hank Wheeler, another rancher in the area who is always making my family´s life difficult. I heard Brian call him a real son of a bitch once when he thought I was out of earshot. His sister Cleo is actually quite nice, she dated Ford a couple of year back and they´re still friends. Anyway, one day, our regular teacher was out sick and we had a substitute, Ms Kember, who they drafted in from Sonora. She was young and pretty and obviously she didn´t know anything about Guthrie and my home situation because she told us she wanted us to think of ten adjectives to describe our parents so we could expand our vocabulary. Neither Guthrie or I took any exception to this- when we thought of parents, we just automatically thought of Adam or Brian so we readily got to work on opposite sides of the classroom where we were seated. Teachers normally separated us because we talked and giggled too much together. That´s when Jimmy leaned over.

"Hey Heidi", he called in a loud whisper.

I tried to ignore him like I always did but he wouldn´t be deterred.

"Heidi!"

I sighed dramatically and paused from my writing to look up at him. "What do you want Jimmy?"

"I don´t know why you´re even bothering to do this. It´s not like you HAVE any parents to describe." he whispered again viciously.

I looked at him in surprise. "What do you mean?" I asked sincerely. "I´m writing about Adam and Brian."

Jimmy´s lip curled up in a smirk. "They´re not your parents, stupid."

"Sure they are. They take care of me, don´t they?"

"They only take care of you because your PARENTS are dead. You´re just a stupid orphan." Jimmy repeated.

I felt a funny feeling in my stomach. "You take that back, Jimmy Wheeler. I am not an orphan." I all but shouted at him.

"Are too." Jimmy shouted back, not even trying to lower his voice anymore. "You and Guthrie and your whole damn family. You´re orphans and you have no parents. You McFaddens are great, big losers."

I´ve always had a temper but nothing riles me up more than someone insulting my family. Now that I´m older I see how ridiculous Jimmy´s insults were but at the time, it felt like the ultimate form of abuse. I felt the familiar bubbles of rage surge in my stomach and before I knew what I was doing, I had jumped out of my seat, on top of Jimmy, pulling his hair and raining blows down on him. For his part, Jimmy gave as good as he got and I felt a blow to my face before I heard Guthrie´s voice, "Hey Jimmy, leave my sister alone!" before he jumped into the fray, pulling Jimmy off me and scuffling with him, the two of the rolling around on the floor, whilst I lay panting, trying to get my breath back.

Suddenly, Ms Kember, who I think had been frozen in place, stunned by the unexpectedness of the situation, sprang into action and pulled Jimmy and Guthrie apart. Both of them looked wildly dishevelled and Jimmy´s left eye was a bit swollen. I knew from having seven brothers with their fair share of injuries that it would be bruised in a couple of hours and I was glad.

The teacher had one hand each on Guthrie and Jimmy´s arms and she hauled them up. "You two," she addressed them, "and you", she turned to me, follow me. Now".

The three of us shuffled out of the classroom down to the principal´s office where she sat Guthrie and I outside his office and deposited Jimmy on the opposite side of the corridor, in the room where the principal´s secretary sat, removing him from our eyesight. She knocked on the principal´s door and swept into the room.

Guthrie and I both sat miserably outside the principal´s office for a while holding hands. We had a habit of doing that when were little when we were sad or scared or in trouble- it probably has something to do with sharing womb space.

"Adam and Brian are gonna be real mad at us," he said quietly.

I looked at him, noted the tears in his eyes.

"I know." I said. "Don´t worry though, I´ll tell them it was all my fault. I started the fight. You were only defending me".

"You know they won´t go for that. They´re always telling us we have to be responsible for ourselves. Remember when Evan tried to blame Daniel for distracting him and leaving the gate open and then the calves got out? He got it twice as bad for not admitting his mistake."

I paused to consider. His words held some truth- Adam and Brian, but Adam especially seemed to get really angry when one of us tried to shirk blame. It´s one of his triggers. I don´t know why but us younger McFadden kids learned pretty early on to admit fault and take the punishment.

"I´m really sorry, Guthrie. If I hadn´t had jumped on Jimmy, none of this would have happened," I told him sincerely.

"Hey, I would have done the same thing if he had said it to me. And it was pretty funny seeing Jimmy crying," Guthrie said, shooting me a little grin. "You gave it to him good. Your cheek is pretty bruised though."

I smiled back and giggled a little. "Yeah, that will teach him to run his stupid mouth off again".

Guthrie let out a giggle as well and it was at that moment that Adam and Brian arrived, walking purposely down the corridor towards us and looking none too happy. They walked up to us and loomed over us. Brian put his hands on his hips.

"I´m glad you two little hooligans find this funny now, because when we get through with you at home, you won´t be laughing then".

Guthrie and I both looked at the floor until Adam barked, "Eyes on me."

We both lifted our gaze to look up at the angry faces of my two oldest brothers.

"We´re really sorry, Adam, Brian," I said softly. "It´s my fault, I´m the one who jumped on Jimmy. Guthrie got involved because he thought Jimmy was hurting me".

"This true?" Brian asked Guthrie.

Guthrie nodded. Adam sighed and reached out to touch my cheek with a gentleness that belied his anger.

"That hurt?" he asked me.

"A bit. It´s not too bad though."

At that moment, Mr Buckley, our principal came out his office. He saw Adam and Brian and gave them a nod and shook their hands. "Hi Tom, sorry about this." Adam started. I knew that Adam and Brian were on first name terms with our principal as they sometimes played polo together.

"Why don´t you all come in." Mr Buckley said.

Guthrie and I exchanged a look but we didn´t dare speak again, just reluctantly followed Mr Buckley and Adam and Brian into the office. Adam and Brian took the seats which left no place for Guthrie and I to sit down. We stood awkwardly and I leaned against Brian´s chair. He nudged me. "Stand up straight." he commanded and I did.

Mr Buckley looked at Guthrie and me hard for a moment. "Heidi. Guthrie. This is completely out of character. Ms Kember tells me that you started the fight, Heidi and that Guthrie joined in. You´ve never been in trouble before, do you want to tell me what happened?"

Guthrie and I were silent for a moment. Then I piped up. "I was just doing my work, sir. Ms Kember told us we had to think of adjectives to describe our parents and then Jimmy told me I had no business doing it because I didn´t have parents and when I told him I did have parents because I have Adam and Brian, he told me they didn´t count and that I was an orphan. And then he made me really mad because he called my family losers. So I jumped on him and then Guthrie jumped on him to protect me." I said in a rush.

The room was deathly silent for a moment. Mr Buckley looked at Guthrie. "Is this what happened, Guthrie?" Mr Buckley asked.

Guthrie shook his head. "I only heard the end. But it sure made Heidi mad. And then they were fightin and I wasn´t going to let some boy beat up my sister".

I sneaked a look at Adam and Brian. Adam´s expression was indecipherable but Brian looked downright furious.

"Well." Mr Buckley started. "Jimmy isn´t known for his excellent behaviour and given the circumstances and what he said to you, Heidi, I won´t suspend either of you. You´ll sit for a week in after school detention instead, starting tomorrow."

For the first time since the fight, I felt my eyes well up with tears. Guthrie and I shared sorrowful looks. We loved getting home and doing our chores quickly before disappearing off to play until supper time. By the time we made it home from after school detention, we would have no time at all to play before supper. After supper it was always homework, bath and bed. It was going to be a long week.

"Thank you, Tom." Adam said softly and Brian repeated him.

"We´ll talk more about this at home, "Adam warned, grabbing my hand, not roughly but not gently either and guiding me out of Mr Buckley´s office, down the corridor and outside school towards the waiting jeep. I turned my body in his grasp and saw that Brian had done the same to Guthrie. They installed us in the backseat of the jeep in silence and we drove home that way too, Guthrie and I not daring to make even a peep.

When we got home, Adam and Brian got out the jeep and Adam motioned for Guthrie and me to follow suit. He stood in front of us looking down on us. "Listen up you two. I want you to change clothes and do your chores. Once your chores are done, march yourselves back up to the house and get started on homework. Brian and I need to get one of the fences fixed so we don´t have time to talk about your little stunt right now. We´ll deal with this after supper. Crane is cooking tonight and if you ask one of the boys nicely, they can help you with any homework you don´t understand. And Heidi, put some ice on that cheek. Am I clear?"

"Yes, Adam" we both chorused.

"Good. Now scoot."

Both of us ran up to the house. "That wasn´t too bad." I said to Guthrie as we rushed upstairs to get changed.

"Are you kidding?" he turned to me incredulously. Brian hasn´t say one word to either of us since we got into Mr Buckley´s office. He´s so mad he can´t even speak!"

I let Guthrie´s words sink in. It was true- Brian had been uncharacteristically quiet since we left Mr Buckley´s office. Brian is quick to anger normally and he´s quick to lay down the law. He´s also got a mighty heavy hand. The fact that he hadn´t said a word since we left school suddenly filled me with apprehension.

Guthrie and I changed into our chore clothes and rushed to get them done and avoid further trouble. I ended up in the barn even though I knew I wasn´t supposed to be there. Sometimes I go to the barn and hang out when I want time to think. It was whilst I was there that I heard Adam and Brian come in to the barn. I crouched down behind a bale of hay and tried to hold my breath as best I could so they wouldn´t hard me.

"Simmer down, will ya, Brian, we´ve got enough problems as it is without you going over to Wheeler´s to confront him over Jimmy." Adam told him as he cut open the twine on one of the hay bales.

"Yea, well, it just makes me so damn mad, Adam. That Jimmy kid is a total ass, just like his father. They´re just little kids; they don´t need to hear that bullshit coming out of Jimmy´s mouth."

I felt my hopes rise a little. Brian seemed like he was on Guthrie and I´s side. My hopes were dashed 2 seconds later when I heard Adam´s reply.

"I know that, Brian, but we can´t let them think that it´s ok to jump on people who say provocative things to them. Mom and dad didn´t let us get away with that, and we can´t let the kids get away with it either. They´re babies still and they hang on every word we say, we have to make an impression."

Adam walked out the barn toting the hay bale and Brian followed quickly so I didn´t hear his reply. I sighed heavily. It took a lot to make me cry, Guthrie cries more easily than I do, but at that moment, I could feel them rising but I pushed them back down.

When Guthrie and I made it back into the house from doing chores, the others were arriving home from school, dumping their bags in front of the stairs and racing into the kitchen to get a snack. Crane was installed in the kitchen preparing dinner. A plate of cookies was on the table which was soon attacked and cleared by the hands of four hungry boys. Guthrie´s appetite didn´t seem to be affected by being in trouble but I wasn´t hungry and hung back.

"You not hungry, short stuff?" Daniel asked me. "Here you can have one of my cookies if you want." He passed one to me.

"No thanks Danny, I´m not too hungry." I replied quietly.

Crane looked up from what he was mixing at the stove. "You´re not hungry for a cookie? You getting sick or something?" He put the wooden spoon down and walked over to me, putting one hand on my forehead checking if I was warm. Hey, what happened to your cheek?

"No, Crane, I´m not sick." I said

"Well, what´s the matter then?" Evan demanded through a mouth full of cookies. "You love cookies."

All of my brothers apart from Guthrie turned to stare at me. Guthrie busied himself getting his homework out his bag and sitting at the table.

"Guthrie, are you doing your homework NOW?" Ford asked incredulously. Guthrie and I were pretty good students as was Ford but it was almost unheard of to do homework the minute we arrived home. Normally we all did homework sitting together at the dining room table after supper. Crane normally oversaw it because he had his own homework to do and he would keep Daniel and Evan in line because those two were the most easily distracted.

"Yea…" Guthrie replied slowly. "Me and Heidi kinda got into some trouble at school today. Brian and Adam had to pick us up and they told us we had to get our homework done now."

"Well what kinda trouble?" Daniel asked.

"I jumped on Jimmy Wheeler and started fightin with him and then Guthrie jumped in to defend me. I got a bruised cheek in the fight" I told them.

Evan started laughing. "You jumped on Jimmy Wheeler? That´s my girl- that punk has had it coming to him for months. Boy, I sure would have liked to have seen that. Did you get him good?"

"I think I gave him a black eye." I said.

Evan hooted and Crane slapped him lightly over the top of the head. Daniel and Ford looked at Guthrie and I sympathetically. Crane took a chair beside Guthrie at the table. "Why did you jump on him?" he asked. "You sure do have a temper but it´s normally not unprovoked.

"He said stuff about us being orphans and not having parents and stuff. He called us losers, so I jumped on him" I told him, shrugging my shoulders. "And you know what? I would do it again if I had a choice."

Evan stopped laughing and his facial expression turned stormy. Evan´s temper is as legendary as Brian´s. Ford´s eyes teared up and Daniel put an arm around him.

"Better not let Adam hear you say that." Crane warned me.

"That Jimmy is a real son of a bitch you know." Daniel spat out. "I would have done the same, Heidi." He ran his hand over my hair and cupped the side of my face with his hand, running his thumb gently over my cheek.

"Hey Ford", he called to Ford who was standing near to the freezer. "Grab some ice for Heidi´s face".

Ford rummaged around in the freezer and found an icepack, wrapping it in a dishtowel before he handed it to me. I held it up to my cheek.

"He didn´t hurt you too badly, did he?" Ford asked me quietly. Out of all my brothers, Ford is the quietest and shyest.

"No, Ford. Don´t worry, I´m ok."

Crane ran a hand over Guthrie´s hair. "Okay, well Heidi, sit down at the table and get your homework done. The rest of you, get your chores done outside. Dinner´s in about 90 minutes.

"Ok, come on little brothers," Daniel called to Evan and Ford. He ruffled Guthrie´s hair and then he smoothed his hand over my hair too. "Don´t worry," he said addressing Guthrie and me. "Adam and Brian won´t be too mad at you. They´ll understand why you did it."

"Are you kidding?" Evan interrupted. "Adam don´t put up with fightin at all. You two are gonna get your butts tanned for sure.

Guthrie teared up again and the two of us shared an apprehensive look. Daniel grabbed hold of Evan and shoved him out the door. "Anyone ever tell you don´t know when to shut up, little brother?" I heard him say to a protesting Evan as they went outside followed by Ford.

"You two holler if you need any help." Crane told Guthrie and me as he got up to get back to preparing supper.

The two of us worked steadily until supper time, subdued and mostly in silence. When we finished homework, we helped Crane in the kitchen and then set the table for dinner. The others trudged in eventually and dinner was the usual noisy, boisterous affair with three conversations going on at once and food being passed quickly round the table. Neither Adam or Brian brought up school trouble and Guthrie and I were quiet, picking at the food on our plates.

Eventually at the end of the meal, Evan and Ford cleared the table as they were on dish washing duty and Adam and Brian stood up. Adam cleared his throat. "Heidi and Guthrie, Brian and I would like to speak to both of you upstairs in my room please."

The room fell silent and Guthrie acquiesced, following Adam upstairs. I felt frozen in my spot and saw the sympathetic looks on my other brothers´ faces. Brian came up behind me and putting a hand on my lower back, he pushed me gently. When I still didn´t move, he swatted me once on the butt although it wasn´t hard. "Get a move on, Heidi." he commanded.

My feet suddenly started moving and Brian propelled me up the stairs. When we reached Adam and Brian´s room, Adam shut the door and then both of them sat down on the edge of the bed. Guthrie and I stood in front of them, gazing at the floor.

"Eyes on me." Adam ordered.

Both us of looked at him apprehensively.

"Now listen. We´re going to talk about what happened today. I know that what Jimmy said to you was wrong. He had no business saying that sort of thing to you and Mr Buckley knows it too which is why you´re not suspended. But I want you to hear me and hear me good. No brother or sister of mine is going to grow up to be a thug under my watch. Mom and dad wouldn´t want it this way and we don´t either." he said sternly referring to Brian and himself.

"But Brian fights all the time!" Guthrie protested.

Brian looked sheepish. "Yea, you´re right Guthrie. I am quick to anger and I am quick to use my fists. But that was something mom and dad didn´t agree with and they came down on me for it every single time."

"Are you going to spank us, Adam?" I asked, looking at him in trepidation.

Adam and Brian exchanged a look. Brian´s head shook slightly and they seemed to understand each other.

"No, Heidi. Not this time. You know that trouble at school spells trouble at home, but because of what Jimmy said to you, we´ve decided to ground you two for a week. School, chores and homework only. No playing outside before supper, no TV and no playing on the weekend. You´ll be busy with after school detention anyway and an early bedtime as well."

"Aaadaamm," Guthrie whined in protest. Both of us already hated that we had to go to bed earlier than the rest of the family when they all got to hang out downstairs and for us, this was one of the worst parts of the punishment.

"I don´t want to hear it Guthrie?" Adam retorted. "Would you prefer a trip over my knee?"

Guthrie looked down. "No sir."

Adam reached out and cupped Guthrie´s face with his hands. "Don´t call me sir. Now, you two can get showered and ready for bed. We´ll be starting with that early bedtime tonight."

"Adam?" I piped up.

"Mmm?"

"Are Guthrie and me orphans?" I asked him quietly. "Coz Jimmy said we are and that you and Brian can´t be our parents because you´re our brothers."

Adam and Brian exchanged a look.

"C´mere baby." he said and pulled me on to his lap. Brian did the same to Guthrie and cuddled him close.

"Yes, baby. You and Guthrie are orphans. But so are Ford and Evan and Daniel and Crane and Brian and me".

I looked up at him. "You are? Even you and Brian?"

"Yes honey. An orphan is someone who has lost both their parents because of death. Mom and dad died and that makes us all orphans."

"Is it bad to be an orphan?" I asked

"It´s not good or bad, sweetie." Brian said. "It´s just the way things are."

"Oh…" I said, thinking. "Today, when we were doing vocabulary work about parents, Guthrie and me did it about you two. I know you´re not our parents really, because mom and dad were our parents. But doesn´t the fact that you take care of all us make you our parents?"

Both Adam and Brian were silent for a moment. Guthrie´s head was buried into Brian´s chest and I lay my head on Adam´s chest and absent-mindedly fiddled with the buttons on his shirt.

When Adam spoke, his voice sounded hoarse. "We´re not your parents. But we do parent you guys."

"Huh?" Guthrie´s face wrinkled in confusion.

"What Adam means," Brian replied, "is that mom gave birth to you. She and dad are our parents. But Adam and me, we look after you and do all the things that a mom and dad would do." He paused for a minute and then finished off, "So I guess in a way, we are your parents."

"I guess we are." Adam repeated softly. His arms around me tightened and he kissed the top of my head. We sat like that for another couple of moments with Adam cuddling me and Brian cuddling Guthrie and then Adam cleared his throat.

"Right mister and little miss. Shower and bed. One of us will be up to tuck you in soon. Don´t dawdle."

He slipped me off his lap and Brian did the same to Guthrie. Guthrie grabbed my hand and pulled me along the hall to the bathroom to brush our teeth before we each took a shower.

I turned to him triumphantly. "I told Jimmy he was wrong. Adam and Brian ARE our parents." I told him.

Guthrie just gave me a playful shove and smiled. Then he took my hand again.


	3. Julia s assessment

When I handed Julia my entry about the fight with Jimmy Wheeler, we she read it and then didn´t say anything for a good few moments. I sat in my seat picking at my nails and thinking about how I was going to convince Adam and Brian to let me apply for the school exchange programme to Italy. Julia interrupted my thoughts when she cleared her throat softly and said, "This is a good start, Heidi. It´s very detailed. The only thing I think it´s missing really is how you felt during that time."

I looked at her, once again taking in her immaculate appearance. Julia wasn´t old, probably about Adam´s age and she was always beautifully dressed with well-coiffed hair and sophisticated clothes.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well.. you´ve written about what happened and your brothers´ reactions to your fight with Jimmy Wheeler. But I can´t tell from this what you were feeling inside."

"Isn´t it obvious?" I asked her, probably with a little attitude in my voice.

Julia smiled at me. "Well… I could infer. But I´d rather not. I´d rather you talk to me about what you were feeling."

That´s something I like about Julia. Rather than tell me to curb the attitude like my brothers do when I spout off to them, she doesn´t take it personally.

"I´m not sure how I was feeling." I told her. "It was 7 years ago. Who remembers stuff clearly from when they were 7?"

She gave me a knowing look. "Oh, I think you do know."

I paused a moment to consider her words. "Fine." I said. "I was angry. Real mad. Blood boiling mad. And then after I was mad, I was scared."

"What were you mad at?" she asked me.

I looked at her like she was crazy. "No offence, Julia. But did you even read my entry?"

She smiled at me. "I read it twice. I know what it says. But I´d like you to tell me in your own words why you were mad."

"Because of what Jimmy said." I told her.

"Because of his comments about your parents and being an orphan?"

"No actually. Adam and Brian let Guthrie and I off easy because I think they thought that Jimmy´s words about my mom and dad had really hurt me. But I wasn´t mad at that. I was angry because he seemed to be commenting on Adam and Brian."

"Ok. I see." Julia said. "Would you say you´re very protective of Adam and Brian?"

"Of course. Isn´t everyone protective over their parents? Seems to me like half the fights at school are over momma jokes."

Julia smiled again and then scribbled something down.

"What were you scared of?" she asked me.

"Huh?"

"You said that after you were mad, you were scared. What were you scared of?"

"Julia, you´re killing me here. Last time I checked, every kid was scared of their parents when they got into trouble." I told her.

"But why? Why were you scared?"

I looked at her suspiciously. "Of being punished. Of disappointing them. I dunno…"

Julia wrote in her little black book again.

"You seem to fully regard Adam and Brian as your parents. Would you say that´s right?" she asked me.

"I guess so. And Hannah a lot too."

"How do you think they feel about you feeling that way?"

I shrugged. "Who knows?!"

"You. I think you know."

I didn´t answer for a really long time. Julia waited patiently. I finally worked up the courage to say what I wanted to say.

"I think they find it uncomfortable. I don´t think they see themselves as our parents. Sometimes, my brothers call Adam ´dad´ and he really hates it. To be fair, they normally do it to push his buttons. My brother Daniel does it the most, or he did do it when he was a bit younger. Every time he was mad at Adam or wanted to needle him, he´d call him ´dad´ and Adam would get all tense and tell Daniel not to call him that. And Brian´s more of a pal to my other brothers now that they´re grown. I dunno. Brian´s kind of temperamental. Hannah seems ok with it all. She mothers everyone. Even Brian."

Julia nodded. "Have you ever called Adam ´dad´? she asked.

"Nope."

"Would you like to?"

"No. Not particularly. It´s just a word."

"Well if it´s just a word, then why does Adam get so uncomfortable when one of your brothers calls him that?" she posed.

I shrugged. I didn´t have an answer for that. But I could feel the familiar bubbles of anger in my stomach rising up through my chest and out my mouth.

"It´s not fair!" I burst out. "Adam and Brian always use my mom and dad´s expectations against me. Guthrie too. All of us really. But it makes me mad the most."

"What do you mean?" Julia asked

"Whenever we do something they don´t like, they always tell us that mom and dad wouldn't have liked that. Or that mom and dad wouldn´t have put up with that. Or that´s not the way mom and dad would have done it. But I mean, why can´t they just say that THEY don´t like it? Or that THEY won´t put up with that? It´s so irritating."

"This clearly makes you very upset." Julia noted.

"It does." I confirmed, nodding. "I don´t think they mean to, but they use it as a tool against all of us to bend to their will. And I mean, I don´t mean to be harsh or rude. But I can´t remember my mom or dad. I have no memories of them. And I feel like it´s impossible to please people who aren´t around."

"Hmm." Julia said.

"Like when I became a vegetarian when I was 10. Holy mother of God, you would have thought that I had murdered someone the way Brian carried on. Adam didn´t seem too bothered but Brian was outraged and he told me again and again that dad wouldn´t have approved."

Julia looked amused. "You live on a cattle ranch and you´re a vegetarian?" she asked.

"Sure. Why not?" I looked at her defiantly.

"Hmmm." Julia said, scribbling in her black book again. She put her pen down and smiled at me. "Well, then. I think we´ve found the subject of your next entry."


	4. On being a vegetarian

**Just a quick note. I am not a vegetarian myself but thought it was an interesting storyline to pursue. I don´t advocate for or against eating meat.**

Growing up in a big family with so many mouths to feed, it was an unspoken rule that you ate what you were given on your plate or you didn´t eat at all. There was no time or patience for fussy eaters or not clearing your plate unless you were sick. It was also an unspoken rule that if you missed dinner because you were late without an excuse, all the food would probably be gone. That didn´t really apply to Guthrie and I because we often lost track of time and missed meals before realizing the time, racing home and bursting through the door to the amusement and sometimes exasperation of our brothers. Because we were the babies of the family, someone always thought of us and put some food aside. Before Hannah came along, Brian did most of the cooking. Crane helped sometimes by preparing supper but it was mostly Brian who packed our lunches and made family meals. Thinking about it, that´s probably why Brian had the most to say about me wanting to be a vegetarian.

Actually, I´m not a full vegetarian because I do eat fish but I don´t eat pork or beef or chicken or venison or anything with four legs really. A lot of people think it´s pretty funny that I was raised on a cattle ranch and that I don´t like to eat meat and my whole family are avid meat eaters. I don´t begrudge other people eating meat but I don´t like the taste and I don´t like the idea that an animal has to die so that I can eat.

It all started when I ate dinner at my friend Olivia´s house. Olivia has been one of my best friends since the third grade when she and her mom and dad moved from San Francisco to Sonoro for a quieter life. Olivia´s family is what some people would call ´alternative´. Her mom is a painter and wears long flowing skirts and goes to lots of marches and protests campaigning for human rights and her dad is an architect and designed and built the house they live in. Olivia´s mother is pretty permissive too which is how we ended up with pierced ears and pink hair one time but that´s another story. Anyway, I really love going to Olivia´s house because it´s so different to my own. Of course, I love my family as well and I wouldn´t change them for the world but when I go to Olivia´s I feel like I can breathe freely, like no one is watching my every move. Seems like every move I make at my house warrants some kind of comment.

This particular time, Olivia´s mom served spaghetti bolognaise, which is one of my ultimate favourite food. It was just me and Olivia, her mom and Olivia´s big sister, Ella at the table who is Ford´s age. I don´t know where her dad was. It tasted really good and I told Olivia´s mom so.

"Thank you, Heidi. It´s all natural. No meat in there at all. People think that quorn mince can´t taste like the real thing, but this here just proves that it does!" Olivia´s mom exclaimed excitedly.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Heidi doesn´t need to hear this, mom." she said and her sister nodded in agreement.

"What´s quorn?" I asked, genuinely interested.

Olivia´s mom gave her a look as if to say I told you so.

"It´s made of a synthetic protein called mycoprotein. It´s actually really healthy for you and the best part is, no animals have to die for you to enjoy it."

"Mom!" Ella exclaimed. "That´s so rude. You know that Heidi´s family run a cattle ranch."

Olivia´s mom let out a tinkle of laughter. "Oh come on, Ella. Heidi knows I would never criticise all those handsome brothers of hers, don't you dear?" she turned to me. "I think Adam and Brian are some of the finest men I´ve come across and they´re doing a beautiful job of raising you and your brothers but that doesn´t mean I can´t have my opinion on meat."

I leaned in closer. "Why don´t you like to eat meat?" I asked.

"Well, I think it´s cruel to the animals. They´re living, breathing creatures too you know and they deserve our compassion. Often they´re killed so cruelly and then we end up ingesting some of their fear when we eat the meat. And, well, I know that your ranch is organic and that your brothers don´t do this, but many ranchers pump their animals full of antibiotics which makes them overused and less effective to people. And that´s not to mention the environmental impact and the dangers to our health." Olivia´s mom explained.

"Huh." I said, thinking hard.

"Enough lectures, mom!" Olivia said and the conversation switched to a different topic.

The next day I couldn´t stop thinking about what Olivia´s mom had said. I went to the school library and checked out a book on vegetarian. I spent a couple of nights before lights out reading the book. Being honest, the bit that disturbed me the most was the part about animal cruelty and the fear the animals feel before they´re slaughtered.

It was the next night when we sat down to supper that I made my decision. Or rather, my stomach made it for me. Supper was venison stew and bread. Nowadays we change seat places often but when we were younger, I sat on Adam´s left on one side of the table and Guthrie sat on his right at the other side, with Brian to Guthrie´s right across the table from me probably because they could then help serve us and make sure we got enough food. Anyway, Brian put some stew on my plate and put it in front of me. I looked down at my plate and my stomach contracted. I just couldn´t bring myself to put the meat in my mouth. I keep thinking about the poor animal it had been before it ended up on my plate and wondering which part of the animal I was eating.

Normally I take part fully in supper conversations and am just as loud or even louder than my brothers but this time I just picked at my food. I separated all the meat to one side and just ate the carrots and potatoes and the other vegetables in there.

"Don´t play with your food, Heidi," I heard Brian telling me from his place across the table.

I looked up at him and saw him looking at me.

"I´m not playing, Bri." I said to him. "I just don´t want to eat the meat."

"How come? You sick or somethin?" he asked me looking concerned.

Adam reached over and felt my forehead. "You feel fine." he said.

"I´m not sick, Brian. I just don´t want to eat the meat. In fact, I´m thinking that I don´t want to eat meat at all anymore." I told him nervously.

"What kind of a darn fool thing is that to say?" Brian demanded looking a bit riled.

I met his eyes across the table. "I´m serious. I think I want to be a vegetarian."

Brian just looked at me from across the table. Suddenly I noticed that the whole table had fallen silent. I looked around. Adam looked somewhat amused, a little smile playing in the corner of his mouth. Evan and Ford were looking on in interest as if Brian and I were about to perform a theatre play. Daniel was also trying to hide a smile and he exchanged a glance with Adam. Brian looked highly irritated. Only Guthrie seemed unaffected. I could tell Brian wasn´t going to make this easy for me and I suddenly wished for Crane´s calming influence but this was during the time he was away at college.

"What´s a vegetarian?" Guthrie asked.

"It´s someone who eats that weird quorn and soya stuff, right, Heidi? Lordy, why do you wanna go and do something like that? You gonna go off and be some hippy now?" Evan said, laughing now. Evan has a temper but he´s quick to laugh and finds a joke in everything.

"Actually, for your information, Evan McFadden, a vegetarian is someone who doesn´t eat any meat." I told him hotly from across the table.

Daniel who was sitting on the other side of me put his hand on my leg. "Calm down, pint-size." he told me, patting my leg. "Little brother over there is only teasin you."

Evan pulled a face at him across the table and Ford laughed. Daniel ignored him.

"Why the hell do you want to be a vegetarian?" Brian asked me, his voice slightly elevated and one eyebrow raised.

"Because I don´t like the idea of animals dying for my food. And I don´t like the taste." I told him bravely.

"What´s brought this on, Heidi? We´re in the beef business, remember?" Adam asked me, still looking amused.

"I know, Adam. Olivia´s mom served veggie bolognaise and it tasted good and then she told me some stuff about vegetarianism and then I checked out a book from the library and did my own research and came to a decision." I told him.

"Uh huh". Brian said. "Well you can just reverse that decision right now because I´m the cook around here and I ain´t making a separate supper for you every night. We eat meat in this house and what´s more is that you know that the rule is that you finish your plate unless you´re sick so better start making a dent in that plate."

"I´m not eating the meat, Brian." I told him, looking at him in the eye.

I heard Ford intake breath and saw Guthrie´s face across the table, eyeing me as if I had grown two heads. It was generally not a good idea to out rightly defy Adam or Brian. We all knew it and we all knew it normally didn´t end well for the one who defied.

I saw Brain´s jaw set and his eyes glint. "Well then little lady, you´ll sit here all night if you have to but you are finishing that plate."

I crossed my arms in defiance and met his gaze head on. "Fine. We can sit here but I´m not eating." I said. I didn´t know how I was going to get out of this one but I knew that the meat wouldn´t be passing my lips any time soon.

By this time the rest of the family had finished their plates and were clearing the table. Adam and Guthrie did the dishes whilst the rest of the boys wiped down the table and started getting out their homework. We all did our homework together at the dining room table after supper every night. Up until Crane went to college he would oversee it but now that he was gone, Adam or Brian would be in the area to keep an eye on us and make sure we were actually working and not messing around. Daniel had recently been allowed to do his homework in his room since he was a sophomore in high school and Evan was still trying to convince the older guys he should be allowed to do the same but they weren´t buying it. Out of all of us, Evan was the one who liked school the least and would try to get away with doing the minimum amount of work possible.

Brian hadn´t moved from the table across from me. Now he suddenly got up, crossed to the living room and returned a couple of minutes later with the paper. He sat back down across from me and stretched his legs out, leaning back in his chair and opened the paper.

I pushed my plate back and sat back in my chair folding my arms. I wondered when I was supposed to get my homework done but this didn´t seem to be the best time to ask. We sat like that for an hour until the boys finished their homework and started clearing their stuff away.

"Get ready for bed, Guthrie." Adam told him. Guthrie shot me a sympathetic look and went upstairs.

Adam glanced over at me and then at Brian. "Brian, could I speak to you for minute?" Adam asked him. "In the living room?"

Adam walked through to the living room and Brian folded his paper and followed him. I heard their hushed conversation but I couldn´t make out what they were saying.

As soon as they were gone, Ford pulled the chair up on one side and Daniel sat down on my other side.

"Heidi! Quick, pass me your plate and I´ll eat your meat." Ford stage whispered to me. "That way you won´t be in any more trouble."

"Good one, little brother." Daniel told him rolling his eyes. "You think Brian isn´t going to be able to work out she didn´t eat her food herself?" Ford shrugged.

Daniel turned to me. "Don´t you think you´re being a little mule-headed about this, kiddo?" he asked me. "You know that Brian is just as stubborn as you are. Maybe even a bit more. You´ll be hard-pressed to win this."

"I´m not just doing this to prove a point, Danny," I said softly. "I feel really strongly about this. I´d just about rather go up against a full-grown grizzly as I would against Brian but if I eat this then he´ll expect me to eat meat every meal time and I don´t want to eat meat." I said looking up at him. Daniel´s eyes were full of understanding and kindness. Daniel has had his own run-ins with Adam and Brian over the years so I knew he understood my frustrations.

"Okay, lil sis. But be prepared for a fight. Brian don´t give up easily."

I nodded and he patted my arm before going through to the living room.

At that moment Brian came back through to the kitchen. "Hey Ford, you finished your evening chores?" he asked Ford who was still next to me.

"Uh-huh."

"K, well then go watch some TV. Heidi and I need to have a talk here."

Ford shot me a supportive look before getting up and going into the living room. I could hear the TV in the other room. It was only me and Brian in the kitchen now. He sat down across from me again and placed his hands on the table. I looked down, studying the carvings and grooves on the wooden table.

"Heidi, look at me please." Brian ordered.

I looked up at him. His face was serious and his jaw was still set.

"Why are you being like this, huh? You think I can´t make you eat the rest of that plate? You think I can´t just take you upstairs, spank your behind for defiance and then bring you back down and make you eat it?" he asked me.

"No, I know you can Brian. But please don´t. I´m not trying to be defiant." I told him my voice wavering. I was dangerously close to tears. "I just really don´t want to eat the meat. It´s really important to me. Adam doesn´t seem to have a problem with it. Why does it matter so much to you that I eat the meat?"

Brian sighed and then rubbed his chin with one hand. "Look, Heidi. Venison was the first meat any of us kids ever tasted. Dad would go and hunt it and mom would bag and freeze it and we would have it all year long. I just don´t think dad would let you get away with this or be happy about this. And mom sure as hell wouldn´t have made you a different meal every night than the one we were all eating."

"I don´t expect you to make me different food, Brian. I can do what I did tonight and just eat the vegetables." I told him earnestly.

He gave me a knowing look. "It´s not very nutritious to do that."

I stayed silent, just looking at Brian nervously. I spun my plate a little. "What happens now?" I asked him a soft voice.

Brian´s face softened a bit and he held out his arm.

"Come round and sit with me here a while." he said.

I practically ran to him, glad not to be in opposition to him anymore. He lifted me on his lap and I looked up at him.

"You´ll be too old to sit on my lap soon." he told me. "Guthrie won´t sit with me like this anymore and soon you won´t want to either."

I leaned against his chest. "I can´t imagine not wanting to cuddle with you on your lap anymore, Brian".

I felt the chuckle reverberate through his chest. "The day will come as sure as the sun rises in the morning. You know I love you right?"

I nodded against his chest. "I love you too, Bri."

He leaned back a bit and took my chin in his hand so I was looking at him. "I´m still not happy about this, Heidi. I don´t want to spank you to make you comply with my wishes because I can see that this is more than just a childish tantrum. But I´m not going to let you blindly do this because I don´t think mom and dad would have. We live on a cattle ranch and we make our livelihood that way too. I´m still going to make meat for the family and I´ll compromise with you. If you take one bite of the meat every meal, I´ll let you off. I just want you to try it because you might like it again and get over this foolishness."

"But-" I opened my mouth to try to protest and tell him it wasn´t an unconsidered decision but he interrupted me.

"I know you don´t think it´s foolish. But I do and you won´t change my mind any time soon. Do you think you can compromise?"

I was silent for a moment. I really didn´t want to eat meat but I knew that for Brian to back down was almost unheard of and that he was trying really hard to meet me halfway. "Yes, Bri. I guess that´s fair. But I´ll prove to you that this isn´t a fad." I told him. I reached my body up slightly and kissed his cheek and put my arms around his neck and hugged him hard.

Brian hugged me back and then he started tickling me and I was laughing and squirming trying to get away. Eventually he stopped and set me on my feet.

"Go on and brush your teeth. It´s already way past your bedtime." he told me.

I turned to run upstairs but then remembered my unfinished homework.

"Brian, what will I do about my homework?" I asked him, suddenly panicked.

"I´ll write your teacher a note and then you can make it up tomorrow night. Ok?"

I smiled at him and then ran upstairs to get ready for bed as Brian crossed into the living room and flopped down on one of the sofas.

The last thing I heard before disappearing into my room was Adam slapping Brian on the back, laughing. "You spoil that kid, partner."


	5. Self-destruct mode

**I work with teenagers and navigating the world as a teenage girl is tough. I wanted to explore the idea that one of the family (albeit an invented character in the form of Heidi) is really rebellious and how the family respond to that. Would love reviews which focus on telling me what kind of rebellion they would like to see Heidi involved in. She comes across as pretty bitchy in her sessions with Julia but I often find that teenagers who are the worst behaved are the ones hurting the most.**

 **Anyway, please leave comments and Merry Christmas to all. I´ll be taking a little writing break for Christmas.**

Julia says we´re making progress and although I really do feel better after talking to her after our sessions, I still don´t really understand what she means by that. I´m still really confused about my place on the ranch and feeling trapped by living in a small town. I feel like I´m living in a panopticon being policed all the time and treated like a child. I know 14 is not grown yet but I don´t feel like a child. Hannah says if I want to be treated like an adult then I need to act like one and stop throwing tantrums but I don´t understand what adults mean when they say stuff like that. It´s not like anyone tells adults where they can go and who they can hang out with and what time they have to come home by so OF COURSE adults don´t get mad and throw fits.

Julia asked me about my relationship with Brian when she read my last entry. She said it read like we used to be real close and I agreed. When I was 10, I couldn´t imagine a time I wouldn´t want to sit on his lap or snuggle with him, but now I feel as though he hates me. Sometimes I see him looking at me with this closed expression on his face like he´s trying to work something out. Things at home are still pretty strained. Guthrie and I remain close but that´s because Guthrie understands me completely. He´s not turned into this ball of anger like me, but he doesn´t get mad at me or frustrated with me like the others. To be fair, Ford and I don´t have any problems either and I think Evan has made a conscious decision to abstain from giving his two cents about my behavior. Daniel´s not home a lot these days but when he is, we get along pretty well. I suppose it´s just the older three that I´m having trouble with. I feel like Adam, Brian and Crane are always trying to spoil my fun. I want to go to parties and date whoever I want and wear short skirts and smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol and go to bed at 2am if I want like my new friends in high school. None of their parents want to know where they are and who they´re with and what time they´ll be home every minute of the day. I don´t want to live on a ranch when I´m older. I want to live in the city and become a human rights lawyer. Despite rebelling recently, my grades are still straight As. I actually really like learning and school is important to me. I understand that it´s my ticket out of here.

I don´t want to be at odds with my brothers but I can´t help it. Hannah listens to me more than the guys do and she often mediates between me and them. Earlier this week Adam and I got into it because I´ve decided I no longer want to go to church anymore. I just don´t see the point in organized religion and I don´t want to get up early on Sunday when I could sleep in. Adam started with the ´mom and dad´ wouldn´t like that speech blah blah blah and then Brian and even Crane joined in. Hannah intervened when I started yelling and told all of us to cool it and that we would discuss it later this week but that I should make a list of all the reasons why I don´t want to go so we could discuss it. Later I was in my room with the door open I heard Adam telling Hannah that I was giving him more grey hairs than all the boys put together have as teenagers. That should have made me feel sad but it didn´t: it made me feel really mad. Julia told me she thinks that I bypass feeling sadness straight to anger as a defense mechanism. She says I´m engaging in self-destructive behavior and we need to work out why. She wants me to write about a time in the past 6 months when I´ve done something I know I shouldn´t have…


	6. Party Part 1

When I started high school eight months ago, I guess you could say that Olivia and I fell into a bad crowd. The two of us got to know Robin, Mia, Krista and Vanessa in the first couple of weeks because we all had some classes together. We hit it off straight away and were inseparable. The girls were really popular and it felt good to be a part of their crowd. In junior and middle school, Guthrie and I hung out together a lot and had many classes together but now that we are in high school, we´ve kind of branched off and have our own separate group of friends although we remain really close. Guthrie is really into playing sports like soccer and he likes basketball as well. He´s not really interested in football like Evan and Daniel were at school; he´s just not into ramming things as much as those two were. Guthrie has a fun group of friends and I especially like hanging around with them with they come around the house but at weekends, we often have plans with our own friends.

It was about four months ago that I did the first majorly self-destructive thing. I don´t know why I did it, other than I just wanted to have a good time and that it had seemed like a good idea at the start. One Wednesday afternoon, Robin, Vanessa, Olivia and I were all hanging around together at Olivia´s house after school. I don´t often get to just hang out after school because unless I have a club or something else I need to attend to at school, I have to get home and get chores done. This time though, Guthrie and Ford said they would do my chores for me and when I called home, Crane said that someone would be around to pick me up later. We were leafing through fashion magazines in Olivia´s bedroom when Vanessa brought up the subject of the weekend.

"Hey guys, listen," she exclaimed excitedly. "You know my sister, Jessica, who´s in college? Well she´s going to be home this weekend and there´s a huge party going down at one of her friend´s houses on Friday night. It will my sister´s friends but you know what that means, right?"

Robin had sat up by this time and was looking at Vanessa in interest. "Oh yeeeaaa! College guys!" she called out and we all laughed.

Olivia had also stopped leafing through her magazine at this point although I continued.

"So how about it, girls? Shall we go? My sister said she could get some of her friends to drive us." Vanessa continued.

"We are SO there!" Robin cried and Olivia echoed her. They looked to me for confirmation.

I shrugged my shoulders. Lately I had been feeling hemmed in by life in a small town and the relentless work of life on a ranch and I longed to experience something new and exciting but I knew that hell would freeze over before Adam or Brian let me go to a party with college kids. I knew not even Hannah would be able to able to work her magic on them and that she also probably wouldn´t approve.

"I would love to, guys." I said. "But there´s no way my brothers will let me go." I turned to look at Olivia. "You know what they´re like." I told her rolling my eyes.

Olivia nodded. "Yea, sure, they´re pretty strict." she confirmed.

"It´s not fair." I continued. "Your moms and dads let you do whatever you want." I gestured to all three of them.

"I don´t get it." Robin said to me. "They´re not your mom and dad. They´re just your brothers. When my brother gets up in my business I just tell him to fuck off. Just tell your brothers it´s none of their business."

Olivia looked at me and started laughing and I cracked up too.

"Can you imagine what would happen if you told Adam or Brian to fuck off and mind their own business?" she said, still giggling hard. "You would never sit again!"

I was laughing too at how preposterous Robin´s suggestion was. I turned to her. "You don´t understand." I said. "Adam and Brian have taken care of me since I was 2 years old. I don´t know any other parents in charge but them. If I ever swore at them like that, they would destroy me."

Robin shrugged and then Vanessa said, "Well, why do you have to tell them? Just ask to stay at Olivia´s house. Then we can get my sister or her friends to pick you guys up from there."

Olivia looked at me and raised her eyebrows. "That could work, right?" she asked.

I took a minute to consider. I didn´t see any reason why it wouldn´t work. I stayed overnight at Olivia´s at the weekend all the time so there would be no reason for my brothers to suspect anything. "Okay." I smiled. "I´m in."

The other three shrieked and we spent the rest of the afternoon discussing what we would wear to the party.

It was Crane who picked me up later in our truck. He asked me about my day and we talked a bit about what he, Adam and Brian had done on the ranch that day. Just because I was curious about what the party would be like at the weekend, I decided to subtly ask Crane about college parties since he was the one of us who had spent four years at college at UC Davis.

"Crane..." I started.

"Hmm?"

"When you were at college, you went to parties, right?" I asked him.

Crane´s eyes crinkled at the corner and a small smile played at the end of his lips.

"I went to my fair share."

"What were they like?"

He looked over at me. "They were fun." he told me unhelpfully. "Why do you ask? You thinking of hitching a ride to a college town and going to one?"

I felt a stab of panic but when I looked at his face which still looked amused, I realized he was just teasing me and I tried to relax. I laughed a little.

"No, silly. It´s just that I´m getting older now and I want to go to college and obviously you went to college, so you know," I leaned over and poked him in his side. "I just wanted to get prepared."

"That so?" he asked me, his eyes and voice still looking and sounding amused. "Well, you´ve got a few years before you have to start thinking about them yet, being that you´ve just started high school and all. These parties can get pretty wild." he finished and winked at me playfully.

"Never hurts to be prepared, right!" I replied lightly and even though I really wanted to ask him what he meant by wild, I didn´t want to arouse any suspicion so I dropped the subject and we talked about other things on the way home.

As predicted, Adam nor Brian had a problem with me staying at Olivia´s on Friday night although Hannah almost unwittingly put a spanner in the works at supper that evening by innocently remarking that I had spending a lot of time over at Olivia´s recently and that maybe this weekend, Olivia could stay at ours.

"Oh, well the thing is Hannah," I fumbled, thinking quickly, "we´re going to be babysitting Olivia´s kid cousin as a favor to her aunt. Her aunt is a single mom and never gets out, you know how it can be." I smiled at her knowingly.

I was actually feeling quite shocked and a little bit proud of myself for being able to lie so easily and then a little bit shocked that I felt proud but I pushed it aside and focused on eating supper without drawing attention to myself. Across the table I could see Guthrie looking at me strangely then I felt him kick me under the table to get my attention. When I looked over at him he mouthed something to me but I suspected what it was about and quickly looked away. He continued kicking me but harder and I drew my legs in under my chair and he must have hit Evan by mistake who was sitting next to me because he cried out in surprise.

"Ow! Watch it short stuff. What the hell are you doing?" he all but yelled at Guthrie looking at him as if he had gone mad.

"What´s the matter?" Hannah asked Evan.

"Short stuff over there kicked me under the table!" he told her looking angrily at Guthrie.

Guthrie gave him a sweet smile; when he was younger, we both had innocent, sweet faces and we would always try to get out of trouble by smiling angelically at those who were angry at us. Guthrie still had a certain sweetness about it and he was definitely using it now to his advantage.

"Gosh, sorry Evan! I was just trying out some new plays for soccer." Guthrie said.

"Under the table? What are you, brainless?" Evan responded.

Guthrie shrugged and looked at Evan innocently.

"Cut it out!" Adam ordered from the head of the table and Guthrie looked over at me as if to say now look what you´ve done. I ignored him and Evan settled back down grumbling eating his supper.

After supper Guthrie and I did the dishes together- me washing and him drying and found ourselves alone in the kitchen which is a rare occurrence in our house because there´s so many people living in the house but he must have suspected that the ears had walls, because he all but whispered to me, "What the hell was that bullshit you fed to Hannah about having to look after Olivia´s cousin on Friday night? Olivia doesn´t have a kid cousin."

I whispered back, "How do you know?"

He gave me a look and replied, "Come on, Heidi, cut the crap. I´ve known Olivia as long as you´ve known her and I know that she doesn´t have a kid cousin. Why did you lie to Hannah?"

I side eyed him and then whispered conspiratorially, "Can you keep a secret?"

He looked at me in disgust. "Who do you think I am, Ford or somethin´?" he replied and I cracked a smile. Ford is practically incapable of keeping anything to himself. I already knew the answer anyway. Guthrie is my right-hand man and we always kept each other´s secrets, probably from being exactly the same age and stage. When we were younger we were always in cahoots and mischief together and we always had each other´s backs.

"On Friday night," I whispered real quietly, looking around, "Olivia and me are going with Robin, Vanessa, Mia and Krista to a party of one of Vanessa´s sister´s friends in Sonora." I told him excitedly.

"Isn´t Vanessa´s sister in college?" Guthrie asked.

"Yea, so there´s going to be loads of college kids there!" I told him wiggling my eyebrows.

Guthrie looked at me incredulously. "Are you insane, Heidi!" he asked me in a loud whisper me. "Did you fall and hit your head and lose all your common sense?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "First of all, shhh! I don´t want anyone to hear. And secondly, I know that it´s a bit risky, but what´s the worst that can happen?!"

Guthrie´s dimples were pulsating which is what happens when he´s worked up about something. "Risky? It´s more than risky! It´s downright suicidal! Do you know what Adam or Brian will do if they find out you´ve been to a party with college kids? Don´t you remember that time when Daniel was 14 and he snuck out and hitched a ride to see that band in San Francisco? Have you ever seen Adam and Brian so mad? We were like, 8 but I still remember how much of a mess Daniel was when they were through with him!" he reminded me, still in a loud whisper.

"Look." I said finishing the last dish and looking at him straight in the eye. "Don't you ever get bored of doing the same thing every damn day? Of living out in the middle of nowhere?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Not really."

"Well I do! It´s always school and homework and chores, and never-ending ranch work and housework. It´s so BORING!" I said in a low voice emphasizing the last word.

Guthrie looked a bit offended. "Well, I´m sorry we´re all so dull for you, Heidi." he huffed.

I shoved him playfully. "Come on, Guth. You know I don´t think YOU´RE boring. Or the family. It´s just… I want to do something new…"

When he didn´t say anything, I nudged him. "Guth, don´t be mad at me."

Guthrie threw the dish towel down. I´m not mad, Heidi. But if you get found out, I didn´t know what you were up to." he said pointing at me.

"Done." I said winking at him and he rolled his eyes and stalked out the kitchen.


	7. Trying something new

When Friday rolled around, I was really excited and I took my bag of overnight stuff to school as I would go straight to Olivia´s after school as was usual on Friday nights when I stayed over there. I saw Guthrie in the hallways at school just before school ended and he loped up to me.

"You´re really going to do this, huh?" he asked me.

"Sure, Guthrie. It´s not that big a deal you know. We´re only going to a party." I replied teasingly.

He rolled his eyes. "Ok, Heidi. Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better."

"You worry too much, Guthrie." I told him.

He grinned at me. "One of us has to be the voice of reason. Hope you have fun, see you tomorrow, ok?"

I held up a hand to wave him off and then found Olivia where we headed to her house.

The rest of the afternoon, Olivia and I spent a long time getting ready. We painted our finger and toe nails red and teased our hair and then took turns doing each other´s makeup. I normally didn´t wear a lot of makeup because life on a ranch doesn´t lend itself to having to put a whole lot on but at the start of 8th grade I had expressed interest in makeup to Hannah and she had taken me shopping to buy the basics. Olivia on the other hand, had a whole case full of it, plus bits and pieces that her older sister had passed on to her. We piled on black eye liner and accentuated it with mascara to give our eyes a smoky look.

"I don´t really know what to wear." I told her. "I mean I brought a couple of dresses but none of them really ´scream´ party, know what I mean?"

Olivia turned and opening her closet, she pulled out a basket of clothes. "No problem," she said. "My sister gave me a bunch of her stuff that she doesn´t wear anymore. Let´s root through here and find something to wear."

We spent the next hour rifling through Olivia´s sister's clothes, trying on various outfits. I settled on a black sparkly dress accentuated by a gold waist belt and Olivia wore a red skirt and black top. We both wore gold hoop earrings and pulled on black, high-heeled boots. I looked in the mirror and was taken aback by the person staring back at me. I certainly didn´t look like 14, that´s for sure: I could have passed for 21. My dress was low on the shoulders and extremely short. It barely covered my butt and I knew I would never be allowed out my house wearing it. Once again, I felt grateful that I had Olivia´s to escape to.

True to her word, Vanessa had her sister swing by and pick us up at Olivia´s house and drive us to the party. When we got there, the party was in full swing. There were people milling around everywhere and the music was blasting out.

Olivia, Vanessa and I went in search of the others who we found standing talking to a bunch of very cute looking guys. One of them handed me a beer and opened it for me and I took a swig. I don´t love beer but I had tasted it before because there´s always beer in the house and we were allowed to have one in the house at the age of 14. I drank it now for something to do and also to fit in. The same guy who had handed me a beer smiled at me.

"Hey," he said to me.

I gave him what I deemed to be a flirtatious smile and then said hey back.

"What´s your name?" he asked me.

"Heidi."

"Cute," he said. "Like the girl in the Alps."

I´d heard that said to me quite a few times before so I just smiled.

"Yep."

"I´m Freddy," he told me.

"You go to school around here?" I asked him, just to have something to say. I could see the others flirting with other guys around me.

"Not that near. I go to Santa Barbara. But I´m home for a few weeks. You?"

I thought quickly. "Oh yea, well me too. Being home I mean for a few weeks. I go to UCLA," I told him mentioning the school I wanted to eventually go to.

Freddy clinked my beer with his own and then said, "Want to dance?"

I really love dancing, all kinds of dancing so I nodded and followed him to where a group of kids were gathered dancing. Olivia and Krista followed over with a couple of guys and we started to dance. We danced and drank and talked for a while and I was having a really good time when Freddy leaned over and said in my ear, "Want to go somewhere a bit quieter?"

I had had a few beers by this point and although I was far from being drunk, I was a bit tipsy. I nodded and we went around the front of the house and sat on the front stairs. There were other kids milling around the front lawn.

Freddy pulled a pouch from his back pocket and some rolling papers and a filter. He started rolling up a joint and I knew from the smell that it was pot.

"You smoke?" he asked me.

I didn´t want to tell him that I had never tried it so I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly. "Sometimes," I said.

He finished rolling up the joint and lit it, taking a drag and then passed it to me. If you were to ask me whether I knew better than taking a couple of drags then the answer is of course but I didn't care. I took a couple of drags and felt a burning sensation at the back my throat. I felt a relaxed feeling wash over me and then I started to feel giggly. I took another drag and passed it back to Freddy.

We sat on the steps for a while laughing and just talking when out of the blue, a cop car pulled up. I looked at Freddy in panic and he laughed at my expression.

"Relax, Heidi, don´t you know by now they´re just comin´ because the neighbors have complained about the noise? They´ll just go inside and ask for the noise to be turned down and then they´ll leave. They´ll pretty much leave us alone, they know that college kids smoke a bit of pot" he said, looking at me strangely.

I figured that this was something that happened all the time at college parties so I just nodded in agreement and laughed.

Sure enough, the cops went inside and 10 minutes must have passed before we heard the music being lowered right down. They came out the front door and Freddy and I swiveled our bodies aside to let them past. The walked down past us, giving us both a quick look. I swept a gaze over both of them. One of them was quite a pretty woman and then when my eyes fell on the other one my heart nearly burst out of my chest. The guy cop was Robbie Gillam, one of Adam´s friends from high school who had moved back into the area around 5 years ago and had been to the ranch quite a few times for dinner with his wife, Coleen.

Surely he wouldn´t recognize me with the clothes and makeup I had on? He turned to walk away after his partner and I breathed an internal sigh of relief but just as he got to the car, he said something to his her and turned around and walked back towards us.

He walked right up to me and squinted at me, studying me for a minute. I held my breath, knowing that if he recognized me, this did not look good, with me sitting with a joint in one hand and a beer in the other. A flash of recognition crossed his face and I knew the jig was up.

"Hey, mini McFadden. Adam and Hannah or Brian know you´re out here?"

Thinking quickly, I decided to try and play it cool. "Oh hey, Robbie," I flashed him a smile. "Weird to see you here, huh? Yea, sure, they know I´m here. Totally fine with it too, so you know, nothing for you to worry about here!" I gave a nervous laugh.

Freddy looked at me strangely. "You know this cop, Heidi?" he asked me, slurring his speech a little on account of how much he had to drink.

I ignored him and so did Robbie who looked at me knowingly. "Somehow, mini McFadden, I don´t quite think you´re telling me the truth. In fact, I´d bet my life on it," he said.

I looked up at him, feeling panicked and thinking of my next move when he grabbed my arm and led me off to the side. "Look, mini Mac, I can´t leave you here. I can take you back to the station and call your brother to come pick you up or I can have my partner call him from the car and wait here until he comes to get you. I´ll leave the choice up to you but boy howdy, girl, I would not like to be in your shoes when one of them gets hold of you," he told me, with one eyebrow raised.

My mind was a bit cloudy from the alcohol and the joint. I wondered irrationally if I could make a run for it but I wasn´t really that out of it and I soon realized I wouldn´t stand a chance. I didn´t want to go with Robbie but I decided it would be worse and way more embarrassing for Adam or Brian to storm into the party because I didn´t know what they might do. Brian especially is a bit unpredictable and I didn´t want him laying out one of the kids here for giving me a joint. I turned to Robbie.

"Ok," I said to him quietly. "I´ll go with you. But can we make this subtle? This is kind of embarrassing." I told him pleadingly.

He gave me one of those looks adults give you when they find you exasperating. "You´re not really in any position to be bargaining with me. But, since I´ve always thought you were a good kid, I´ll throw you a boat. Just walk over to the car and we´ll speed away. You here with any friends?"

I shook my head vehemently. There was no way I was going to implicate my friends in this debacle. "No, sir." I said, throwing in the sir for good measure. "At least, none who are my age anyway."

I´m sure Robbie knew I was lying but I got the impression he knew it would be really difficult to start tracking everyone down so he just nodded his head and then clicked his fingers in the direction of the car. I walked in front of him and he followed me.

"Hey, Heidi! Where you goin´?" Freddy called after me, but I ignored him. "Heidi!"

When Robbie and I got to the car, he said something to his partner and then opened the passenger door of the car for me so I could climb in. As the cop car pulled away, I saw Olivia and Mia´s faces as they came running around the side of the house, clearly having heard what was happening. I leaned back against the headrest of the seat and shut my eyes, wishing for this all to be over and it to be a dream.

I knew I was in trouble of epic proportions.


	8. Sorry for being caught

I sat in the holding room at the police station. In front of me there was a table and I rested my arms on the table putting my head face down on my arms. The effects of the joint and the beer was wearing off and I had the beginnings of a terrible headache and I was cold on account of the fact that I wasn´t wearing much. Combine that with the abject terror I was feeling at the imminent arrival of a brother and I thought miserably that I´d rather spend a night in jail than face whoever came to pick me up and the rest of my family. I hoped against hope that perhaps Hannah had talked Adam into letting Crane pick me up, or Daniel but I knew deep down that that wouldn´t be the case. I thought to myself that I might be sick but whether that was the effects of the substances or the fear I was feeling, was impossible to tell.

Eventually, after what seemed hours, but must only have been around 45 minutes, I saw Adam come through the door. I looked over at the clock. It said 1am. He looked furious, the maddest I´ve seen him looking in a long time and when I saw his facial expression, my heart dropped to my stomach much like it does when you´re having a dream of falling or going down a rollercoaster. He hadn´t spotted me yet but as he came in, Robbie must have seen him because he walked over to him. Robbie slapped him on the back and then said something quietly to him pointing to where I was sitting. Adam looked over at me and took in my appearance. His eyes widened and then if possible, he looked even more angry. I could almost see the steam coming from his ears. They talked for a couple of more moments and then Robbie started walking over with Adam. I thought to myself that this would be the perfect time to die.

When Adam reached me, I sneaked a look up at him. "Hey Adam," I managed to croak.

Adam didn´t reply but he grabbed my arm and yanked me up out of my seat. "Don´t you ´hey´ me, young lady Do you have any idea of how much trouble you´re in?" he all but roared at me. "What the hell are you wearing? And what is all that muck on your face!"

Never one for knowing when to shut up, I muttered, "I think I´ve got a fairly good idea," in response to his first question but I didn´t mean it to be rude.

Adam´s eyes narrowed. He grabbed me by both my arms and then lent down so his mouth was by my ear. His voice was quiet but fierce. "Listen up little girl. You had better curb the attitude fast because if I hear another smart comment come out your mouth, so help me god I will put you over my knee right here and now."

My eyes filled with tears and I looked down. "I´m sorry, Adam." I said quietly.

Adam let go of my arms and took his sweatshirt off. Underneath he was wearing a long sleeved thinner shirt. He threw the sweatshirt to me. "Cover yourself up," he commanded and I scrambled to put his sweatshirt over my offending dress. It provided me with some warmth.

Robbie cleared his throat. "I´ll let you take it from here," he said to Adam and to me he said, "I hope never to see you here again, Heidi." His voice was stern but his eyes were kind.

"She won´t be here again, "Adam confirmed firmly. He grabbed my arm again in a strong hold and practically pulled me out of the station and to the waiting jeep. It was raining lightly and the cover was on the car. Adam opened the passenger door to the jeep. "Get in," he ordered sternly.

I climbed into the passenger seat and then Adam went around the other side. He climbed into the car and started the car, pulling out the parking lot. He didn´t say anything to me while he drove and my nervousness was starting to increase because I had fully expected him to start yelling at me the minute we got into the car.

"Aren´t you going to yell at me?" I asked him bravely in a small voice.

Adam didn´t take his eyes off the road. "I´m too mad at you to speak to you just now, Heidi. I don´t want to say something that can´t be taken back. It´s 1.20am and I´m dead on my feet. In the morning, I´ll be doing a lot more than yelling, but just now, I would very much like you to be quiet."

I felt my heart sink at hearing how angry Adam was at me although I didn´t know what I expected.

"Ok." I whispered quietly. "I just want you to know I´m sorry."

Adam´s hands gripped the steering wheel even harder. "No, you´re not. But you will be," he threatened.

I didn´t like the sound of that but I thought it was best I remained silent and so I picked at my nail polish the rest of the way home.

When we got home and into the house, it was silent. I had imagined a firing squad of people waiting up for me but it appeared as though the rest of the house had gone to bed. Of course, there was always the possibility as well that some of my brothers were still out.

Adam turned to me. "Go to bed," he said. His eyes were icy and his voice was cold. "We´ll deal with this in the morning." Without another word, Adam turned and headed to his room, shutting the door behind him softly.

I grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and then headed up to my room. I was suddenly incredibly thirsty and I feel dizzy and nauseated. I climbed into bed and despite being terrified of what was to come the next day, I feel asleep.

It seemed a very short time later when I felt myself being shaken awake. I rolled over to see Adam looming over my bed. His face looked like a stone. "Get up. Get in the shower and wash that mess off your face," he told me coldly. "Breakfast is in half an hour. I expect to see you down there."

I groaned and struggled to sit up. I felt truly physically horrendous and my mouth felt like a pit. I stood up and looked in the mirror, taking a double take when I saw myself. All my eye make-up was smudged and had run down my face making me look like a demented panda.

When the hot water of the shower hit my skin, it felt so good and I wished I could stay there all day, with the water beating down on my back and heating my sore body which I knew was because of lack of sleep. I washed my hair and when I got out the shower, I put on a hairband so it was out of my face even though I knew it would dry with a kink. I decided to cover up as much as possible to make up for the state Adam had found me the night before and threw on a pair of jeans and a sweater.

I made my way down the stairs shakily and entered the kitchen. The family minus Evan and Daniel were sitting at the table and I figured that Evan must be off doing rodeo stuff and that maybe Daniel had spent last night away. Everyone muttered good morning to me but Hannah was the only one who said it properly. Mostly they ignored me although Guthrie, who was looking a bit pale, tried to catch my eye a couple of times across the table and Ford eyed me curiously, but I studiously avoided looking at them. I knew that Guthrie was nervous about being implicated in my scheme but I also knew that he knew I would never rat him out. I didn´t even want to glimpse at what Brian and Crane looked like. Only Hannah was acting normally.

I tried to choke down some food but my stomach was still very unsteady from the lack of sleep and from the events of the previous night. I´ve never been very good at eating when I´m in trouble. I barely listened to the conversation around me as I thought about how I was going to get myself out of this situation. As breakfast was ending, Adam stood up and addressed Guthrie and Ford.

"Guys, go into Murphys and get some feed please," he said. "Take the truck," he said to Ford, digging in his pocket and handing Ford the keys.

Ford took them and he and Guthrie left the kitchen out the back door not before Guthrie put his hand on my arm in a show of support before he left.

Adam looked at me. "You," he said pointing. "Go and do your chores. When you´re finished, come back in to the living room. We´re going to talk about your escapades last night."

I looked at him but didn´t move, partly because another wave of nausea was rolling over me. I felt Brian´s heat like stare on me. "You deaf or somethin´? Hop to it!" he ordered, loudly.

I suddenly scrambled into action and practically ran from the kitchen wishing not for the first or second time that morning that I could just lay down and die. I took as much time as I dared doing my chores before I took a deep breath and headed back inside. Normally at this time, my brothers would have left the house by now to get work done around the ranch but when I went back in, I saw them sitting in chairs in the living room as well as Hannah. Adam was drinking a cup of coffee, Brian and Crane were reading the paper and Hannah was mending one of the boy´s shirts- it looked like Guthrie´s. When I walked in and flopped down exhaustedly on one of the oversized chairs, Brian and Crane put their papers down and Hannah put the shirt down. I looked down at my fingernails with the now chipped polish and didn´t say anything, mostly because I was feeling too terrible.

It was silent for a minute until Brian spoke up.

"Well?" he demanded. "What do you have to say for yourself." I shot him a look and his eyes were flashing like they do when they´re spoiling for a fight.

"Nothing. I´m sorry," I replied and then, because I was irritated, tired and feeling sick, I said under my breath, "It´s not that big a deal."

That´s when Adam exploded. "Not that big a deal?" he roared. "Are you serious?! Let´s break this down shall we?" He held up a finger. "One, you lied to all of us by saying you were staying at Olivia´s house when you knew full well you were going to go to a party with college kids, which you _KNEW_ we would never allow you to attend because it´s dangerous and inappropriate for someone of your age to go to a party like that." He held up a second finger. "Two, you put yourself in a vulnerable position by wearing what looked like dental floss to a party with young adult men, who were drinking and under the influence of drugs." His third finger went up. "Three, Robbie caught you with a can of beer in one hand and a joint in the other hand so do not try to tell me you weren´t drinking or smoking dope. Don´t you dare, don´t even you _DARE_ young lady to tell me it´s not that big a deal."

Hannah crossed the room and put her hand on Adam´s arm. "Calm down, honey," she said soothingly. "Let Heidi give her side of the story."

Brian humphed slightly but Hannah shot him a look as she turned to me. "Heidi, sweetie, why don´t you tell us what you were thinking about, to do something like this."

I felt pinned down by their four sets of eyes boring into me and I felt a sense of irritation rising. None of my friends had to put up with this kind of interrogation every time they did something their families didn´t like. It was angering me that I had four people demanding an explanation of me.

"I didn´t lie." I said looking round at all of them. "I just didn´t tell you I was going to the party. And yes, I wore a short dress to the party, but all my friends were wearing short dresses. Hell, all the girls at the party were wearing short dresses. And I did drink, but you´ve let us drink beer since we turned 14. As for the joint, I just wanted to know what it felt like to try it. I just had a couple of drags." Once I had started I seemed to be on a roll and my frustration came pouring out. "I just wanted to live a little, get out and do something new, something different. It´s not like none of you have ever done something you shouldn´t have," I continued angrily, my voice far from the tone it should be for someone in trouble. I looked at Brian. "You drove drunk a couple of years ago and ended up in JAIL for 5 days!" I practically yelled at him.

Adam looked to be turning a shade of purple but Hannah still had a restraining hand on his arm and she said something real low to him that I couldn´t hear. Brian looked like he wanted to kill me and I knew that if I were anyone else and not his little sister whom he had helped raise from babyhood, I would be laid out flat by now. He made a move towards me but Crane caught his arm.

"Brian," he said firmly and Brian looked at him and then at me. He shook Crane´s arm off but he didn´t make any more moves towards me. He started cracking his knuckles.

Crane turned to me. "We let you drink in the house," he told me in a stern voice, "We let you have one beer in a house with your family and people to watch out for you. It´s not the same as drinking at a party with a bunch of kids you don´t know. And stop trying to deflect from the trouble you´re in by bringing up our past mistakes. We are considerably older than you are and we are not the ones in trouble here," he finished angrily. He hadn´t raised his voice because that´s not Crane´s style but this was certainly the angriest I´d ever seen him at me.

I opened my mouth but he cut me off before I had even started. "And one more thing. You did lie. Those questions you were asking me in the car on Wednesday evening, you were fishin´ for information and you may not have out rightly lied about where you were going but by not telling us, you lied by omission. You´ve been brought up better than that, so you know that, right?" he demanded, looking at me intently.

I took a deep breath. It was true: Adam and Brian had drummed into all us the importance of honesty and I did know the difference between being truthful and lying so I had to concede that one, the problem was I just didn´t care right now. I just nodded.

"Answer me properly," Crane demanded.

"Yes, Crane, I know that."

Then, unexpectedly, Hannah piped up. "You lied out rightly to me," she said, facing me head on from where she was still standing by Adam. "You told me at supper on Wednesday evening that you were babysitting Olivia´s kid cousin when you knew that you were going to the party. That really hurt my feelings, Heidi," she said in her straight forward manner. "I thought we were closer than that. How am I supposed to trust anything that comes out your mouth again?"

That really got to me. Hannah has a way of cutting through a person´s layers and getting right to the point. Hannah had been an incredible friend, sister and even mother to me the past couple of years and the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt her. Normally she was on my side. I suddenly felt so tired and miserable.

"I´m sorry, Hannah," I told her shakily, my voice wavering and tears threatening. "I would never want to hurt you." I finished softly.

She nodded but she didn´t say anything else and there a short silence.

"Mom and dad would be real disappointed at you for this." Adam said in a clipped voice. At the mention of my parents, I felt myself shut down. My stomach clenched and then I felt the bubbles of anger before an incredible pain spread through my chest. I didn´t think I could speak so I just stood there feeling so ill at this point that I thought I may pass out.

Adam came and stood in front of me. He took my chin in his hands which was customary for him when delivering a telling off as it made me look at him. His face was very stern as was his voice although he wasn´t shouting anymore. "It might seem like we´re being real hard on you but we love you, Heidi and we want the best for you. We would be broken if something happened to you. What you did last night endangered your safety and your health and that will never be ok with any of us. Ever. No matter how old you are or how grown you think you are. I understand that you´re getting older and that you want more freedom but lying and sneaking around isn´t the way to get it. You clearly can´t be trusted right now so you are grounded for a month."

A month! The longest I had ever been grounded up until now had been 2 weeks. My mouth dropped open in disbelief but before I could protest, he continued.

"School and chores. No hanging out with friends after school, no talking on the phone and no TV. And when the month is up and you´re no longer grounded, you will not be staying at Olivia´s or any other friend´s anytime soon. Do you understand?" he asked me in a firm voice.

I nodded and he shook me a little but not hard. "Words, Heidi," he said sternly.

"I understand," I replied unsteadily.

"What´s more is that in a couple of minutes, after we finish here, you and I are going out to the barn and I´m going to give you something that will remind you never to do something like this again," he said to me, his eyes probing mine.

My knees felt shaky. "You can´t Adam, I´m too old for that," I pleaded with him.

Adam cupped my face with his hands gently. "You´re not too old," he assured me. "And your actions last night and your words this morning show me that you are still very much a child. I´m sorry, but I can´t let this slide."

I looked around the room hoping for some reprieve. Brian´s face was stony and he shook his head slightly. "You´re lucky it´s Adam and not me taking you out there this time," he said to me sternly.

Crane didn´t react at all but Hannah gave me a kind look. "I´m sorry, Heidi," she said gently. "But you deserve this."

Adam put a hand on my back and pushed me firmly towards the door and out of the house towards the barn. I allowed myself to be directed there on shaky legs, my heart hammering in my chest and my body in fight or flight mode. It had been a while since I had been spanked by Adam or Brian, perhaps even more than a year. While they threatened it sometimes, it took a lot for them to carry out the threat but for certain transgressions, most of which I had committed, a spanking was a given. There included lying or being intentionally deceptive, breaking the law or knowingly endangering ourselves or the lives of others.

When we got into the barn, Adam closed the sliding doors, turned on the light and then turned to face me. I hovered by the barn doors mentally calculating whether I could make a run for it but I knew realistically that there was nowhere I could really go, Adam could catch me in a split second and I would make it worse for myself. I decided to try pleading for mercy one last time.

"Adam, I promise you: I´ve learned my lesson. I don´t need a spanking. I swear- I´ll never do this again."

Adam looked down at me and put one hand on my shoulder. His face wasn´t so stern anymore but he had the resolved expression in his eyes, and I knew before he answered me that my plea for leniency was hopeless.

"Heidi, you know I hate spanking any one of you, but what you did last night was inexcusable. I´m glad you feel you´ve learned your lesson, but anytime you´re tempted to repeat this behavior in the future, I want you to remember what the consequences are at home. Because the real-world consequences of your actions last night are much worse than a spanking. You could have been seriously hurt there. Do you understand that?"

I felt like Adam was overreacting and exaggerating but I thought it deeply unwise to tell him that so I just nodded and said softly, "Yes."

Adam nodded, his hand still on my shoulder. "Ok then. Because you´re getting older, I´m going to let you keep your jeans on but I´m going to use the paddle after I spank you with my hand."

My eyes filled with tears and I started to full on cry. Adam and Brian were sparing with the paddle which although was small, was deadly and I had only ever felt its bite once when I was 9 and had stolen some candy from the general store and then lied continuously about it. I still remembered how much it hurt.

Adam turned away from me and went to the corner of the barn to the wall where the paddle hung innocuously, remaining largely unnoticed most of the time. He unhooked it and returned to the center of the barn where he sat down on a stack of hay bales. He held his hand out to me.

"Come here, Heidi," he commanded firmly and although I didn´t want to, I knew there was no way out of this predicament. I walked to him slowly, tears still pouring down my face and when I got to him, he pulled me down gently over his lap and held me firmly around the waist. He didn´t waste any time, just saying softly before he started peppering my backside with swats, "I hope you´ll think more carefully about your choices next time."

It was the longest and hardest spanking I´d ever had and I thought desperately while I wailed and kicked that it would never end. By the time Adam finally stopped I lay over his lap sobbing hysterically, not even registering that the stinging blows had stopped raining down and Adam was rubbing my back in a circular motion. My bottom felt like it had been seared with a hot iron. When I had calmed down slightly, Adam helped me up and standing up himself, he tried to pull me into a hug, as was he and Brian´s custom after a spanking, but while in the past I had fallen into his arms and been desperate for comfort and loving forgiveness, I found that this time, I wanted nothing more than to be away from him. I pushed him away and he didn´t fight me on it or seem to get upset; he just told me to go back to the house and suggested I take a nap.

When I entered the house again, there was no one around and I ran up to my room and threw myself on the bed, sobbing myself quiet and then to sleep. To my family´s credit, they seemed to understand I needed some time on my own and Adam let me skip eating with the family at lunch. Hannah brought me up a sandwich but when she knocked on the door I feigned sleep and she left the plate outside my door. I was so mad at all of them, still. I knew for sure that none of my friends had to put up with this indignity at home.

It was late afternoon when I was lying on my stomach on my bed trying to read and crying intermittently at the perceived unfairness of the situation when I heard another soft knock at my door. I still didn´t really feel like speaking or seeing anyone; I was still feeling a medley of emotions so I didn´t answer and hoped they would go away. There was another soft knock and when I remained quiet, the door handle turned and Daniel popped his head round the door.

"Hey little sister, I heard what happened. Can I come in?" he asked me gently.

I really didn´t feel like I could take another lecture or telling off again and tearfully told him so.

"I´m not going to lecture you or tell you off," he said as he came into my room and sat down on the edge of my bed. "I just want to check you´re alright. I imagine Adam was fairly hard on you and you´re pretty sore."

I started to cry again. "I don´t ever want to see anyone ever again!" I cried.

Daniel gave me a small smile. "I´ve felt like that a couple of times myself after Adam or Brian have punished me," he said. "But you´ll feel better tomorrow or in a couple of days." He took my hand. "Do you want me to tell me why you did it?" he asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Everyone keeps asking me that and I keep saying the same thing." I said through my tears. "I just wanted to do something new. I feel so trapped here, Daniel, like I´m waiting for my life to start. I get this feeling inside me, like I´m going to burst or something and it makes me really mad inside. And I _HATE_ living here in this small town. If Robbie hadn´t seen me last night then I totally would have gotten away with it."

"Hmm," Daniel said looking at me disapprovingly. "You won´t like this, but I´m glad that Robbie found you when he did. If you had continued drinking and smoking, something really bad could have happened, Heidi. I don´t like to think of my baby sister out there for some guy to take advantage of and neither do the others; that´s why everyone is being so hard on you."

I shifted position so that I was resting on my knees and looked at Daniel a bit frantically. "But I´m not a kid anymore, Daniel." I cried. "Why can´t anyone see that?"

Daniel shook his head a little and he looked a little amused. "Heidi, it doesn´t matter if you´re 14, 24 or 40. You will always be our little sister and we will never ever stop wanting to protect you. But as for feeling trapped, I understand that feeling. It´s ok, you know, to want a different life for yourself than living in a small town and ranching," he told me. "I used to think it wasn´t ok and that Adam resented it, you know, because he had to stay and look after us. But then I realized that Adam just wants us all to be happy and do whatever we want to do."

"They all hate me," I told him dramatically gesturing around me. "I said some pretty nasty things."

Daniel chuckled and reached out to brush a stray piece of hair off my face. "I know it might seem that way, and I definitely know that feeling. But it´s not true. No one in this family will or could ever hate you. Dad will simmer down soon enough and so will Brian. Hannah´s probably already forgiven you." he told me soothingly. Daniel´s eyes were full of compassion.

"Crane´s really mad at me too," I said, tears spilling down my face.

Daniel wiped my tears with his thumb. "Crane will forgive you too. He´s a pretty reasonable guy," he told me.

"I´m sorry for hurting Hannah," I said tearily. "And I´m sorry that the guys are mad at me. But I´m still not sorry I did it. I know I should be sorry but I´m not. I´m just sorry I got caught." I looked down.

"Not even for smoking that joint? That´s really wasn´t a smart thing to do, Heidi."

"I just wanted to see what the big fuss was about." I told him. "But I´m not sorry I tried it."

"Well then, I guess you´ll have to work on that," he said, his face looking serious.

I shrugged my shoulders.

"Did Adam hug you after he spanked you?" he asked me.

I felt my face heat up at the outright mention of being punished. "He tried, but I don´t much feel like hugging him right now." I told Daniel.

He nodded in understanding. "How about one from me, then?" he asked me, holding out his arms.

I gave him a half smile through my tears and launched myself into his arms.


	9. Darkest secret

Today Julia wanted to talk about the entry with the party. She asked me about my feelings about not being sorry about going to the party.

"I still don´t think it´s that big a deal," I told Julia. "I mean, lots of kids do that kind of thing when they´re my age. They completely overreacted."

Julia´s facial expression was neutral. "Are you ever sorry for the things you may do wrong?" she asked me probingly.

"Of course I am, Julia. I´m not a psychopath you know." I said a bit huffily wondering what she must think of me.

I saw a hint of a smile on Julia´s face. "Just checking," she said somewhat playfully, which was a little out of character and I wondered where this was going.

"So… what would you say the state of things are now, since this happened?" she asked me.

I thought for a minute. Day to day things were ok. It wasn´t as though you would notice there was something wrong if you were to look at all of us. Life goes on as they say. As Daniel had predicted, Adam, Brian and Crane had recovered equilibrium surprisingly quickly after the party but if I was honest, things between me and Adam and Brian had never been quite the same. I fought with them over all sorts of things and most of the time I just couldn´t hold my tongue around them.

"I can´t explain." I told Julia, finding it difficult to put in words what I wanted to say.

"Try," she said firmly but not unkindly. She waited patiently.

"Well… when I was younger, there was nothing that my brothers couldn´t fix for me. Especially Adam and Brian. Crane too in a way, but he was away a lot for four years at college so… you know…" I started, trying to find the words I wanted to say. "I mean, I know it seems so stupid but I looked at those two like there were gods or something. I thought the sun rose and set on their shoulders."

Julia nodded. "That´s natural," she said. "It´s natural for little kids to idealize their caretakers."

"Yea... but now… now sometimes I feel like I really hate them," I said swallowing hard. "I feel really stifled by living with my family. It´s like all these pairs of eyes watching my every move, and telling me what to do. They want me to be something I´m not."

"Yes… you´ve mentioned this before," she said. "But lots of teenagers feel that way. I wonder what´s behind this feeling of hate you talk about. That´s a pretty strong emotion."

I felt a familiar heavy feeling in my chest. My facial expression must have betrayed itself because Julia was quick to add, "I´m not judging you, Heidi. I just think there´s more behind this than them not letting you do whatever you want. Because that´s a parent´s job you know, to protect their kids, even if their kids don´t like it or agree with what they´re doing." She paused for a minute. "I think there´s some things you´re feeling which you don´t want to admit to yourself or that are too painful to be spoken."

The heavy feeling was spreading out to my arms and I felt a kind of rushing feeling in my head. I was silent for a good few minutes but Julia wanted patiently. She´s one of those people who doesn´t feel the need to fill silences.

"I can´t tell you," I said feeling like I might be sick. "You´ll think I´m a terrible person."

"This room is a safe space for you, Heidi. You can say whatever you like in this room and know that I do not judge you. You´re allowed your thoughts and your feelings and that´s why your family sent you here, because they thought that you needed somewhere you could say what you feel without fear of hurting anyone."

I swallowed hard. "I´ve never told anyone this before. Not even Guthrie and I tell him everything."

She nodded but it took me another few minutes to work up the courage to say what I wanted to say.

"Recently, I just keep imagining what life would be like if my mom and dad were still alive. I have all these scenarios in my head of conversations we might have or things we might do together. And sometimes I daydream in school about going home and instead of Hannah waiting when I get home, it´s my mom and she asks me about my day and then I help her cook supper for everyone. Or in another one, I see Adam walking through the front door but instead of him, it´s my dad." I said, the pain in my chest intensifying.

Julia nodded but she didn´t say anything and waited for me to go on.

"But then I feel so guilty and it makes me feel like a horrible, terrible person and I hate myself," I choked out.

"Why, Heidi?" she asked gently.

"Because!" I burst out, "Because, Adam and Brian have done so much for all of us! Adam was barely 18 years old when he had to give up his whole life, all his dreams and his whole future to raise us. And Brian was only 16 and I wonder what life could have been like for them if they didn´t have all this responsibility. And Hannah too! She didn´t have to take all of us on. She could have walked out the front door the first day but she didn´t. She stayed and she´s always there for all of us, all the time. Anything we need, Hannah´s there. So what kind of a person does that make me that if I had a wish I would swap all of them for my mom and dad."

Upon the last sentence, I burst into tears and Julia passed a box of Kleenex to me. I took one and wiped my eyes.

"I don´t think you´re a bad person, Heidi," she told me gently. "I think you´re grieving and that´s ok."

"It´s not ok! How is it ok to grieve for people you don´t remember, don´t have any memories of?! I said I mentioned hating Adam and Brian sometimes, but I hate myself even more," I said noisily through my tears.

Julia waited a moment until I had myself under control.

"Anyone can grieve, Heidi, for people they knew, people they were meant to know, people they remember, or people who are or were important to them. It´s ok. You´re not a bad person. What you are feeling is ok."

It felt surreal to have told someone my deepest, darkest secret and not have them condemn me.

Julia waited until I had myself under control a bit more before she said, "I´m really proud of you for voicing something which is scary to you. We´ll explore this further ok? For next time though, I´d like you to tell me a bit more about your relationship with Hannah."


	10. Hannah

**This chapter includes some lines from the pilot episode, some of which have been changed slightly to accommodate the inclusion of Heidi in the family. Apologies if this annoys anyone. Reviews welcome.**

Adam brought Hannah home three weeks after Guthrie and I turned 12. Up until he brought her home as his wife, I have no memory of Adam ever bringing any other women home or even having a girlfriend. The others told me that one summer Adam did have a fling with a pretty blonde woman called PJ who has since been to the house for dinner when she visited the area but I was very young so I don´t really recall it. Sometimes women would flirt with him whenever we were out but he seemed kind of oblivious to their intention or maybe he just wasn´t that interested in them. Brian on the other hand was known to date frequently but he never brought any of them home although it wasn´t unusual for him to stagger in in the early hours of the morning looking a bit worse for wear but generally quite pleased with himself. When Crane was in college, he had had a serious girlfriend for about two years called Beth who he had brought home quite a few times and who I remember being fascinated with. She was from a relatively wealthy family and wore cashmere sweaters and had very soft, fine, blonde hair which I couldn´t stop looking at or reaching out to touch until Adam grabbed my hand and told me to stop, apologizing for me. She hadn´t seemed to mind and I was sad when Crane told me that they were not together anymore one time when he was home. The point is that bar teachers or my friend´s mothers, I had very little experience with grown up women.

On the morning that Hannah arrived in our lives, my brothers minus Guthrie and Crane arrived back from rounding up the cattle on our land. Guthrie and I were deemed too young to go even though Guthrie was desperate to because Adam thought we would slow them down as they would have to look after us and this time, Crane stayed home to look after us and also keep an eye on the house and stock at home. Adam had left the house soon after he had arrived back looking decidedly purposeful and better dressed and groomed than was customary on a Saturday morning. All of us had wondered where he was going but none of us could have imagined he had gone to propose to a woman we didn´t even know existed.

It was late afternoon and I was hanging around sitting on the table in the kitchen chatting to Brian while he made supper.

"Here, taste this," Brian said to me, passing me the wooden spoon with some ground beef on it. "Tell me if it needs more hot sauce."

I put up my hand to push it away and smiled at him. "Nice try, Brian."

He rolled his eyes, "I still can´t believe you still don´t eat meat," he grumbled.

True to my word, for a few months after facing off with Brian over eating meat, I had taken a bite of the meat in each meal, swallowing it to appease him. When a few months had passed and I still was showing no sign of giving up wanting to be a vegetarian, Brian had conceded and given up trying to get me to change my mind. He still made meat dishes for the family but despite being adamant that he would under no circumstances prepare different meals for me, he had caved and always made sure there were enough other dishes I could eat. That didn´t stop him from trying to trick me into eating it again in the hope I would change my mind.

"What can I say?" I said grinning at him. "I´m committed!"

We were interrupted by Guthrie bursting through the front door as though he were being chased by a bull yelling at the top of his voice, "Brian! Guess what? Adam got married!"

Brian shook his head, "C´mon Guthrie, get outta here."

"I´m serious!" Guthrie exclaimed and Brian and I looked at each other.

By this time, his yelling had caught the attention of the others in the house and me, Brian, Guthrie and Ford came filing out the door in order to see for ourselves, standing on the verandah at the front of the house. Daniel came round from where he was working at the back of the house and Evan rode up on Diablo. Crane stood a little to one side near Adam, a rake in his hands.

Standing with Adam on the front lawn was a very pretty woman with dark hair wearing a white mid-length dress and a black and white knit wool coat of sorts.

Adam gestured round encompassing all of us. "These are my brothers and my sister," he said and then as if adding an afterthought said, "I think I might have mentioned them."

Hannah nodded. "I believe you did say you had a family."

"Yea. Guys," Adam said, addressing all of us, "This is Hannah.

Hannah smiled at us. "Nice to meet ya. Do y´all live around here, some place?"

Crane looked at Adam incredulously. Guthrie and I exchanged looks with Daniel who laughed lightly. Ford and Evan exchanged an amused glance. No one said anything until Brian who was tapping a wooden spoon in his hand and looking none too pleased said dryly, "Not around. Here…"

Hannah just looked at Adam in alarm who in turn looked extremely uncomfortable. He grabbed her hand and pulled her up in the front steps and into the house. We all filed into the house surrounding the two of them, Hannah slowly eyeing the place and all of us. I had never seen Adam look so nervous and out of his depth.

"Uh, this here´s the living room," he began.

Ford gave Hannah a small shrug, "It´s kinda a mess," he said shyly.

Hannah gave a slow nod. "I guess you could say that," she said and I could feel Brian next to me bristle.

Adam took Hannah´s coat from her and passed it to Brian who unceremoniously threw it behind him.

"So, it´s me, Adam," he began before introducing all of us individually in order of age. When he got to me, he said, "And this is my little sister, Heidi. She and Guthrie are twins."

I gave her a small smile, still too shocked to be able to respond properly.

"Listen, the easiest way to remember all our names is to do it alphabetically, our parents named us-"

"Parents?" Hannah interrupted looking even more anxious. "You got them too?"

"Oh no," Adam said, stumbling over his words, "They died around 10 years ago." He gestured to Brian, "Brian and me, we raised these guys by ourselves… Want me to run that by you one more time so that you can get it?"

Hannah held up a hand. "No, no, it´s ok… I´ll catch on in time," she said, still looking around her as though in shock.

Adam grabbed Hannah´s hand again and pulled her away, "Let me show you the rest of the house…"

Guthrie followed them and Brian went back to cooking but I sat down on one of the living room chairs in shock, pulling my legs up to my chest in a protective pose. I don´t know why, but I felt a bit scared.

"And course we´re back to the livin´room! Let me show you upstairs," I heard Adam say before they swept by me again and he whisked her away.

Daniel and Ford exchanged looks and Crane flopped down next to me on the couch putting his feet up on the coffee table. No one really said much and for some reason I felt like being on my own so I went up to my room until supper.

That night at supper, my brothers carried on as they normally would, all of them talking to each other wildly and grabbing and passing food. On any other day, I would be joining in but today I just watched Hannah, fascinated that we had a beautiful woman sitting at the table. Hannah kept trying to get the guys´ attention to pass her some food but their manners had gone awol and they ignored her. Guthrie was on one side of her and I was on the other this time. She looked at me and I have her a small smile.

"Is it always like this?" she asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. I knew from going to eat supper at friends´ houses that this was not the norm at other people´s houses and that usually one person talked whilst the others listened. I also knew though, that if they had wanted to, or had the awareness, my brothers could behave properly.

I gave her a sheepish smile. "You get used to it," I told her shyly.

A plate of vegetarian sausages was passed to me and I took a couple and offered one to her.

"They don´t have meat," I told her. "I´m a vegetarian."

Hannah raised her eyebrows at me. "You´re a vegetarian on a cattle ranch?" she asked me, looking surprised and I realized that this must add to the impression that we were even weirder.

"Just her!" Guthrie added. "The rest of us eat real food."

I wanted to talk more to her but I didn´t know what to say and she looked so uncomfortable. I wondered if Adam really knew what he had done or if Hannah was having second thoughts.

After supper my brothers talked about what Crane had been doing whilst they had been away on round up and Hannah disappeared outside. I went to stand by the window and I saw her leaning against a beam on the porch. It was evident that she was crying but I didn´t feel comfortable going outside to comfort her, being that we had just met.

I started to feel really afraid. What if Hannah decided that she didn´t want to be here anymore? Would Adam leave us and go with her? I knew rationally that Adam would never abandon us but a small part of me still considered it. What if she just left? I didn´t know much about love, but I did know that if Adam had done something this rash, this completely out of character, he must really love her.

I heard the door slam and Adam stepped outside to talk to her. I wanted to watch them but Daniel came up behind me and took my hand. "Come on, little sister, give them some privacy." He led me to one of the chairs and then my brothers started playing music and singing. I closed my eyes like I always did when I was listening to music so I could feel it better.

The next time I got to speak to Hannah was close to midnight. The two of us were the only ones left in the house as the calves had got out and all my brothers were out dealing with it. Even Guthrie had been drafted in to help. Hannah was sitting on one of the sofas, with her dressing gown on and a blanket wrapped around her.

"I could make you a drink?" I offered her.

She shook her head but smiled at me. "No thanks, Heidi. I´m ok." She got up and crossed to the window peering out. "How long do you think they´ll be?" she asked me.

"Probably a few hours yet. They have to round up all the calves and it's the middle of the night so it´s harder. We can´t really afford to let the cattle scatter just after round up."

She nodded. "So…is Adam, sort of like, your father?" she asked me curiously.

I was cautious about saying too much because I didn´t know how much Adam had told her and I didn´t want to scare her even more than she had been last night.

"Kind of…" I said. "I don´t remember my mom and dad. Adam and Brian have looked after me my whole life. Guthrie too. And Ford, Evan and Daniel too though they were older when my mom and dad died. Crane is somewhere in between."

Hannah looked thoughtful.

"I´m sorry for the way the guys treated you tonight," I added. "It´s just… well… we´re all quite set in our ways. They don´t mean to be rude…"

"That´s what Adam said," she replied.

"Just… well… I know we´re a lot…you probably didn´t think you´d have to take on loads of kids. But just give us a chance ok…?

Hannah gave me a soft smile and I knew she understood what I was trying to say.

"I think I´ll go to bed now," she said making her way up the stairs. "What about you?"

"I´ll go in a minute," I told her and watched her climb the stairs and disappear into Adam´s room shutting the door softly behind her.

The next day at lunch, I watched Hannah try to get the guys attention to no avail. She seemed to be considering something and then I saw her face set. She stood up and grabbing the table, tipping it to one side so that all the dishes went flying off the table, toppling Crane, Evan and Brian to the floor in the process. Everyone stopped talking. I looked at her wide-eyed, a little scared but mostly mightily impressed.

"Could I make an announcement. Please," she said, emphasizing the last word.

Crane turned to Evan, "She´s got my attention, how about you?" and he nodded fervently.

"Look. I´m not going to sit here night after night while you guys ignore me and I starve to death. I don´t know how you were raised, but where I come from, the dinner table is a place where people talk to each other. I will not be shut out and I won´t be treated like I don´t exist." She looked around at all of us. "So you guys had better figure out a way to get along with me. Or we are going to tangle bad."

There was a silence for a second. "And questions?" she asked.

"Yea!" Guthrie piped up without missing a beat. "What´s for dessert?"

Hannah´s face cracked into a small smile and before we knew it the whole table had dissolved into laughter. Adam looked at Hannah lovingly and I looked at her in absolute awe. Here was a woman who had managed to silence every single one of my loud, rowdy, opinionated brothers in one foul swoop.

It was at that moment that I stopped worrying and knew would fit in and was here to stay.

That evening Adam was doing his customary bed check of Guthrie and me to make sure we were in bed and actually going to sleep. I had a tendency to read all night if no one stopped me which would make me tired and grumpy the next day. He knocked lightly and then poked his head round the door.

"Enough reading, time for lights out," he said, walking into my room.

I finished my sentence and folded over the page, laying the book on my nightstand and scooting further down under the cover. Adam pulled the covers over me tighter and reached for the night lamp to turn it out. Just before he did, I spoke to him.

"Adam?"

"That´s my name!"

I gigged. "You really love Hannah, don´t you?"

Adam looked at me in surprise. He was silent for a moment and then he sat on the edge of bed. "I do," he replied quietly. "Why do you ask?"

"I don´t know…"

Neither of us said anything for a moment. Then I said, "I really like her, Adam."

Adam reached out and ran a hand over my hair and cupped one side of my face in his hand. "I´m glad." Then he winked at me. "I think she´s pretty great too."

I smiled at him and he reached over and switched off the lamp properly this time. He kissed my forehead and tucked the covers round me one more time before leaving the room.

It was Hannah who helped me through my first period. I didn´t even realize it was coming when it did, 2 months after my 13th birthday. Adam says it´s like someone flipped a switch inside me when I turned 13 and I turned from a sunny, almost always giggling child to a moody, sullen teenager and although I think he´s exaggerating, there is some truth in it. Guthrie hasn´t really reached that point yet, he´s still pretty even tempered although he can get fired up if he feels strongly about something.

It felt like I was in a perpetually bad mood for almost two weeks before it actually came; everything my brothers did felt like a personal attack. When I was a toddler, apparently I had epic tantrums and screamed myself hoarse but as a kid it took a lot to make me cry. Not now, now I was crying at the drop of a hat. Evan and Ford got the brunt of it one day at supper when they teased me about a new hairstyle I was trying out and I bit their heads off and burst into tears.

"Geez," Ford exclaimed, looking around wide-eyed, ´we´re only teasin´ ya," followed by Evan´s comment of "When did you get so sensitive," shaking his head.

Crane who was sitting next to me handed me a tissue and then patted my leg, "Hush and eat your supper," he said mildly and then directed Ford and Evan who were still eying me incredulously to do the same adding, "You two also had your moments when you were 13."

Four days before it came, I woke up feeling particularly out of sorts. My stomach hurt a bit and I felt bone wearingly tired. During breakfast I suddenly felt a bit panicked about the prospect of going to school. I´m a very good student and I generally like going to school so this was very out of character for me but I am known in my family for being a bit melodramatic.

"Adam," I said looking over at him, "I don´t feel good; can I stay off school today?"

"You look fine to me!" Evan offered and I shot him a dirty look.

"Nobody asked you!"

Evan shrugged and Adam looked at me over the top of his coffee cup. "What you feeling?"

"My stomach hurts… I can´t explain! I just don´t feel good." I whined even though I know my brothers´ pet hate is whining.

Daniel who was sitting next to me put hand on forehead and held it there for a couple of moments until I shook him off. "You don´t have a fever," he announced.

I ignored him and implored Adam again. "Please, Adam. You know I´m ahead anyway. I´ll catch up on the work I´ve missed!" I whined again.

"Can the whining, Heidi," Brian instructed and I promptly burst into noisy tears covering my face with my hands. He blew some air out his mouth in exasperation.

"For goodness sake!" I heard him mutter.

Everyone was staring at me now and Crane turned to Evan, Ford and Guthrie. "Guys, go on now and catch the bus, one of us will get Heidi there ourselves."

"No fair! If Heidi gets to stay off, then I want to too!" Guthrie demanded, his face wrinkling up like it does when he´s settling in for an argument.

Brian got up and went to stand in front of him. "I do not have time for this nonsense this morning," he growled at him, crossing his arms and towering over him.

Guthrie looked up at him and I could see he was debating whether to take this further but after looking into Brian´s face, I guess he decided this was a not a battle he wanted to fight because he sighed and turned around to follow the others.

"Hey, Guthrie, don´t forget your lunch!" Hannah called after him and he swung back into the kitchen to grab it. She ran a hand over his hair. "You have a good day, you hear?" she said to him and he nodded before running out the back door.

Meanwhile I sobbed into my cereal feeling pitiful and extremely sorry for myself. Adam hadn´t moved from his place at the table, Brian had sat back down next to me and Crane and Hannah were standing by the stove and warming oven, all of them looking at me.

"Please, Adam! Please don´t make me go to school," I cried frantically through my tears, becoming slightly hysterical. "I´ll go tomorrow! I just need a day at home!" At that moment it seemed to me the most important thing in the world that I stayed home.

Brian moved my chair so it was facing his slightly. "Stop pitchin´ a fit right now, Heidi or we´ll deal with this the same way we did when you were a little kid."

That made me sob even harder and I recognized the beginnings of a headache from crying so hard. "I´m not pitchin´ a fit!" I cried through my tears but because I was sobbing so hard it was unintelligible and it just came out sounding like a series of high pitched noises.

Brian sighed in exasperation and looked at Crane who shrugged his shoulders.

Adam looked highly irritated and he opened his mouth as if he was about to say something but he was interrupted by Hannah. "Hey, guys! Can we have a word? In the living room?"

Adam and Brian scraped their chairs back and followed Hannah into the living room. Crane walked around the back of chair running his hand over my hair before following them.

I couldn´t hear much over the sound of myself crying heavily but I did hear snippets of the conversation between the four of them, things like Adam telling Hannah firmly, "We don´t let the kids hold us hostage by throwing tantrums" and Hannah´s voice oscillating in volume, "… not a regular tantrum… teenage girl… stay with me today…"

It was a couple of minutes later when I heard the sound of Brian grumbling and then the front door opening and closing. Hannah, Adam and Crane walked back into the kitchen and Crane started clearing the plates off the table. Adam stood across from me and Hannah sat next to me and put her arm around me pulling me to her. "How about you and me spend the day together?" she said.

I looked up at Adam hopefully, tears still springing from my eyes and me hiccupping as I tried to get myself under control. He nodded at me. "But don't start thinking this is a regular occurrence. This is a one-off thing!" he told me sternly.

"Thanks, Adam", I managed to croak out. He nodded and then signed.

"I´ll go call the school," he said.

Once everyone was out the house I helped Hannah with the dishes and then she suggested we bake some pies for later on. Whilst we were making the pastry at the table she asked me, "Heidi, is there anything wrong at school at the moment? Anything that would mean you don´t want to go?

"No, Hannah, everything is ok," I told her. "Phew, this is hard work!" I didn´t really like to bake or to cook and so I didn´t do it every often. I was only doing it to keep Hannah company because she had gotten me out going to school.

"No teachers that are giving you a hard time? And things with your friends are ok?"

"Everything´s ok, Hannah. I promise. I just… I can´t explain. I just need a day at home today."

Hannah looked at me kindly and then patted my arm. "I understand," she said. "Sometimes, we have days like these. I remember having a few of them myself when I was your age."

I thanked god once again for Hannah´s arrival in my life.

Hannah let me sleep for the rest of the day and I had another cry on Adam and Hannah´s bed that afternoon while Hannah lay down with me and rubbed my back. By the time everyone else came home, I felt a bit better but the next morning I was teary again. I knew it wouldn´t fly with the guys to stay at home again and so somehow, I managed to get through the day and the ones after that.

It was a couple of days after that on the Saturday when my period actually came. My stomach had been lightly cramping all night and I felt bloated but I thought perhaps it was a reaction to Evan´s cooking the day before, which frankly I felt left a lot to be desired. When I went to the bathroom after breakfast there was spotting in my underwear. Since I had grown up on a ranch I knew all about the facts of life and we had also had health lessons in school so I knew what was happening. But it still felt a bit weird. Like a momentous occasion somehow.

I exited the bathroom and went flying down the stairs looking for Hannah yelling for her at the top of my lungs and ran smack into Daniel at the foot of the stairs.

"Hey, hold up little sister, where´s the fire?"

"Oops, sorry Daniel," I called, scooting round him and running into the kitchen. "HANNAH! HAAANNNAAAHH!"

Hannah was in the kitchen with Adam who had his arms around her. Crane was sitting at the table with his glasses on looking through accounts, probably ranch accounts and Ford was at the sink washing dishes.

They all looked at me when I flew into the kitchen breathlessly. "Hannah! I have to talk to you!" I told her a bit frantically.

"Sure, what´s the matter, Heidi?"

"In private!" I said, willing her with my eyes to understand that this was important. The last thing I wanted to do was to announce to the family that I was now, biologically much more of a grown woman.

Crane looked amused and took off his glasses. "Why can´t you talk to Hannah here?" he asked me.

"Because! I just can´t ok! It´s private!" I went to stand next to Hannah and took her arm. "Please, Hannah!" I pleaded.

Hannah must have been able to see I was really serious because she dislodged herself from Adam´s arms with a kiss, and led me up to her and Adam´s bedroom, shutting the door behind her. "What´s the big emergency, Heidi?"

"I got my period!" I whispered.

A smile spread across Hannah´s face and she hugged me and then pulled back. "Well, congratulations, honey."

"Urgh! I don´t feel like this is something to celebrate… what should I do?" I asked her nervously, wringing my hands.

Hannah looked confused for a minute. "What do you mean, what should you do?"

"How can I… you know… protect myself? Against leaking and stuff?" I told her. I had heard awful stories at school of girls not having strong enough protection and then staining their trousers and I thought I would just die if that happened to me.

Hannah looked at me kindly and then she turned to the dresser and rummaged through her top drawer. She pulled out a packet of sanitary towels and a box of tampons and then sat on the bed, patting the spot next to her. "Come sit here by me."

When I did she explained all about the different products and showed me how to use them adding at the end, "I know this can be a bit overwhelming sweetie. But you´ll soon get used to it." She pushed my hair back. "Do you feel ok?"

"I´m a bit crampy," I said, "But I don´t feel too terrible. I guess that explains my bad moods this week, huh?" I asked her with a small smile.

She nodded and then winked at me. "It´s highly likely."

"Hannah?"

"What?"

"Please don´t tell the family about this. I´m really embarrassed." I pleaded with her quietly.

She was quiet for a moment and she looked to be considering. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about Heidi. This is a natural part of growing up. But I can understand that you don´t want the entire brigade commenting. How about I just tell Adam, and ask him to keep it to himself? Or you can tell him if you like."

"But why does he even have to know?" I asked her, pleadingly.

Hannah took my hand in hers. "Because he´s your guardian, sweetie and he should know what´s going on with you. Besides, once a girl gets their periods, certain implications are involved."

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that biologically you could get pregnant and have a child, for one."

I looked at her in alarm. "I don´t think that´s going to be a possibility any time soon! I´ve only ever kissed a boy!" I told her.

Hannah nodded and looked amused. "All the same, I don´t think it´s right to keep it from him."

I sighed. "Ok then. But please can you tell him? I just don´t even want to have that discussion with him and besides, he´s never alone! One of the other guys is always milling around."

Hannah patted my hand. "Ok, then."

Later that day I was outside by myself, giving the horses treats and stroking their noses absent mindedly when a voice interrupted my thoughts.

"Mind if I join you?"

I turned and saw Adam standing behind me. He was holding his leather gloves in one hand and kind of tapping them on his other hand.

I nodded my consent and he came up and leaned on the coral beside me.

There was a couple of moments of silence before Adam broke it. "Hannah told me that, uh, well, that you got your period."

I looked at him and he looked a little uncomfortable. It would have been funny had I not been embarrassed and a bit sensitive myself.

I nodded. "Yea," I replied quietly, still looking at the horses.

"Hannah says it´s kind of a big deal for a girl."

I didn´t really know what to say, so I didn´t say anything.

"You feeling ok?" he asked me.

"A little sore… but I´m ok."

He nodded. "Seems like not too long ago you were just a baby, toddling and followin´ me round. You were really cute," he said smiling at a little at the memory and shaking his head.

"And now?" I teased him, starting to feel a little bit more comfortable.

"Well… now you´re still cute. When you´re not back talkin´ or pitchin´a fit," he said teasingly, poking me in the side.

"You know," I said playfully, side eying him, "Technically I´m a woman now. So I kinda think that means I should be able to stay out later and do more things."

Adam laughed putting his gloves in his back pocket. "Nice try." He looked at me a moment and then he put his arm around me and drew me into his side while we watched the horses.

"You´re definitely growing up," he affirmed, "but you´ll always be little to me."

I lay my head on his shoulder and we stood there for a while in silence just watching the horses.

I was scared when Adam brought Hannah home that it would mean our lives would change irreversibly for the worst but it´s like she arrived at exactly the right time. It was Hannah to helped me through my first date and my first kiss, Hannah who I went to if I was feeling sick, Hannah who I talked to if I was having troubles with my friends. And it was Hannah who told Adam and Brian that my recent behavior was more than just teenage rebellion and that I needed someone to talk to.

When the sheriff brought me back home after disappearing for 24 hours that fateful day, my brothers were fit to kill, their fear turning to anger now that I was home and safe.

Brian had reached me first and grabbed me pulling me into a fierce bear hug and then set me on feet, his face clouding over. He grabbed my arm and then swatted my behind, hard with his hand.

"Where have you been, huh?" he shouted. "Have you ANY idea of how worried all of us have been? I´ve damn nearly had a heart attack." He moved to swat me again but Hannah swooped in before he or anyone else could get to me.

She enveloped me in a huge hug and I buried my face into her shoulder. Her voice was at my ear. "You´ve worried us all sick, Heidi and me hugging you like this does not mean I´m not mad at you. I am so mad at you for making all of us worry like that over the past 24 hours. I don´t know what´s got into you lately or what´s going on with you but I think you need someone in your corner right now, so that´s going to be me. I´m going to be the person on your side…"


	11. probing deeper

"Sounds like you and Hannah have a very close relationship," Julia said after having read the entry.

I nodded, "We do. I think she gets me a bit more than anyone else. Right now at least…"

Julia sat back in her chair and crossed her legs. "Perhaps you could think about telling her how you feel about your parents."

I looked at Julia in horror, the beginnings of a headache forming.

She must have read my face correctly but she probed a bit further. "That doesn´t seem to appeal to you, why is that?"

I looked down at my fingernails which were looking ragged due to the fact that picking them was a nervous habit of mine.

"It will hurt her," I said quietly. "I don´t want to hurt Hannah. "She had a miscarriage over a year ago and it was real hard on her… the whole family really… Adam too. But Hannah the most…after it happened she kind of threw herself into caring for the family even more. How can I tell her it´s not enough?"

I felt tears well up in my eyes again and sense of exhaustion wash over me. I was sick of feeling sick and crying all the time. Julia handed me a box of Kleenex.

"Well… maybe there´s room for more than one feeling at once," Julia said. "They can exist side by side. You can love Hannah and Adam and Brian as your parent figures and also miss the presence of your mom and dad."

I didn´t say anything and then she continued, "Tell me, how much do you know about your mother and father?"

I thought hard. "I´ve seen pictures, lots of pictures. And I´ve heard stories, lots of stories from all my brothers really, apart from Guthrie of course… Ford, Evan and Daniel can remember a surprising amount for being so young. But most of the memories are from Adam, Brian and Crane."

As I was talking, I had the familiar feeling of pain spreading out across my chest and into my arms.

"That clearly bothers you a lot," Julia said softly and I didn´t say anything but kind of nodded and shrugged at the same time.

"Have you told your family how that makes you feel?"

"I don´t think there´s any point," I said. "It´s not something that can be changed."

There was silence for a minute. "I feel like I don´t have any right," I said, shakily, traitorous tears still leaking from my eyes.

"No right?"

"No right to be sad they´re not here. I mean, Guthrie isn´t sad. And I was too young to really remember them dying so how can I be sad? Most of the others know what they´re missing but I don´t. And Adam and Brian- well they were good parents. Are good parents. We never had much money, which is why I feel guilty for coming here too. We can´t really afford it. But we always had enough food and clothes and anything we need for school and Christmas and birthday presents. And I always felt safe at home and going home and there´s always someone around to have fun with or talk to," I said. It was probably the longest speech I had ever made to Julia.

"I understand," Julia said, shifting positions in her chair. "But you are allowed to miss them. Or miss what may have been… you won´t like this, but until you face these feelings head on and deal with them, they won´t go away. And you´re going to have to talk to your family."

I felt light headed and a sense of panic rising. "I can´t… I´m not ready."

"How would you feel about them joining you for a couple of sessions?" Julia asked, leaning forward slightly.

I looked at her as though she had lost her mind. "No. No way. Firstly, you couldn´t get Adam and Brian here if you tried. Into this room I mean, they´re not the therapy type. I know someone always waits for me in the waiting room. And secondly, just no!" My heart felt like it was trying to find an escape route out of my chest.

"I think you would be surprised," Julia said. "I´ve met them both, remember and they may not be men who wear their hearts on their sleeves but I think they would do anything for you. Anything to help you to feel better. To help you find yourself again."

I still couldn´t fathom in and the thought of it made me incredibly uncomfortable. All I wanted to do at that point was to lay down and take a nap.

"Just think about it… ok? And for next time, I want you to write about the event or events that triggered all these feelings."


	12. Death Part 1

Death is a weird thing when you actually sit down and stop to think about it. Adults will tell you that death is a part of life but I don´t find that a particularly satisfying thought. If you think about being here one minute and then not being here the next, it´s enough to make your head explode.

The first time I really thought about death and understood that the cattle on our ranch were bred for meat was when I was around 6 years old and got Guthrie and myself into trouble for trying to rescue a couple of the cows from certain eventual death. When I was nearby any of the cows, I liked to get up close to them and pet them although I did it when no one was looking as I was under strict instructions never to get too close to them because they were potentially temperamental, easily spooked and I was little. I would give them all names and make up families and stories for them and no matter how many times my brothers would tell me not to become too attached, I couldn´t help it. I took a liking to two particularly attractive brown and white cows with large, kind eyes whom I named Fifi and Sparkle. My innocence was shattered unwittingly one Saturday afternoon, just after round up by Evan who was 10 at the time who caught me trying to sneak into the corral to stroke Fifi on the nose. Full of his own self-importance, he grabbed my hand and marched me up near the house on the front lawn.

"Heidi, how many times have you been told not to go near the cows on your own?" he asked me putting his hands on his hips and doing what I thought to be a particularly good impression of Adam or Brian.

"But I just wanted to see Fifi and Sparkle!" I protested.

Evan looked confused for a minute. "Who are Fifi and Sparkle?"

"Those ones!" I said pointing to Fifi and Sparkle over in the corral.

"Which ones? All the stock look the same!"

I took his hand and pulled him a bit further down, towards the corral. "That one! That one is Fifi and the one next to her is Sparkle!"

Evan looked at me with one eyebrow raised. "Sparkle?" he said in disgust. What kind of name is that for a cow?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I just think her eyes sparkle.

Evan shook his head. "You´re one crazy kid," he said.

I shrugged and made a move go to on back to the corral but Evan caught my arm. "Oh no you don´t." He crouched down to face me so he was eye-level with me. "You´re to stay away from the cows, Heidi. If I see you down there again by yourself, I´ll tell Adam or Brian and then you know what will happen. Besides, you can´t get too attached to the stock."

I sighed having heard this time and time again. "But why, Evan, why does everyone keep telling me that?"

"Because you´ll be sad when they have to leave."

"Leave? Why do they have to leave?"

"They go to auction, silly! And then one day, they´ll be butchered for their meat."

My eyes grew wide. I was an early reader and I had a wide vocabulary for my age but I still wasn´t entirely sure of the meaning of the word though I had some idea.

"What´s butchered?"

Evan shook his head and ruffled my hair. "It means that they get killed for their meat. Where do you think steak comes from? Or mincemeat? Or ribs?"

I was quiet for a minute taking it in. "Will Fifi and Sparkle die then, Evan?"

"Well… not yet. Adam or Brian or maybe both will take them to auction and sell them to a buyer. And then they´ll eat a lot at that ranch. And then they´ll be slaughtered for their meat." He paused for a minute. "I don´t rightly know how it all works 100% myself…" he trailed off shrugging his shoulders.

I nodded slowly taking it all in. "Evan…" I said slowly.

"What?"

"Can me and Guthrie come fishin´ with you and Daniel and Ford later?" I asked him, knowing that they had plans later that day.

Evan sighed a little. I knew that the three of them found Guthrie and I tiresome sometimes because they felt like they had to look out for us and look after us. "I don´t know, Heidi. You were kinda a pain last time and then you fell in the creek and we had to take you home early."

"Plleasseee Evan," I begged. "We´ll be real quiet so we don´t scare the fish and I promise I´ll stay away from the edge."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine," he capitulated. "But you´ll need to ask Adam or Brian first if you two can come."

That afternoon, the five of us went fishing and because the guys had been nice enough to let Guthrie and I go with them, we were on our best behavior and the afternoon passed without event. Daniel was the best at it and caught 4 fish and Ford and Evan caught 1 a piece. Daniel helped Guthrie and I and we caught one between us. We dragged them home and Brian cooked them for supper.

I couldn´t however stop thinking what Evan had told me about the cows and I started to feel really bad for Fifi, Sparkle and the others. Those large, kind eyes were constantly in my mind.

That night during supper I made sure to pay attention to Adam and Brian´s conversation at the table. Most of the time when they talked about ranch affairs I tuned out because I didn´t understand too much of what they said, and I would talk to Guthrie or Daniel or any of the others nearby. They didn´t mention anything about auctioning so I decided to ask them about it.

"Adam," I said, tugging on his arm.

Adam didn´t seem to hear me but carried on talking to Brian.

"Aaadam," I said more insistently, shifting in my chair a little.

"Just a minute, Heidi," he said without looking at me and continuing his conversation.

I waited a minute and then when they didn´t seem to be slowing down, I decided to try Brian.

"Brian, I need to ask you something," I said, bouncing in my chair a little with impatience.

Brian looked over at me, "Wait a minute, kiddo, it´s rude to interrupt."

I´ve never been very good at being patient and could feel myself starting to get very antsy. All I wanted to know was if Fifi and Sparkle were going to be sold or not.

"But I need to know," I whined a bit desperately. "I need to know what´s going to happen to the cows in the corral."

Both of them stopped their conversation and looked at me, a little irritated. "Heidi, stop whining!" Adam scolded. "Why do you want to know about the cows in the corral?"

"Because Evan said they´ll be sold at auction and then eventually they´ll be killed for meat. Is that true?" I asked, looking at both of them.

They looked at me a little strangely. "Yea…sure, that´ll happen sometime next week," Brian said.

"But why? Why do we have to sell the cows… why can´t we keep them here on the ranch?"

Both of them smiled at me in amusement. "That´s how we make our money," Adam said and then both of them went back to their conversation.

I was quiet after that digesting what they had said and secretly hatching a plan to save Fifi and Sparkle.

Guthrie and I shared a bedroom from when we were little to just after our 12th birthday when Adam thought that I would need my own room because I was getting older and I would need my own space. Guthrie seemed ok about moving downstairs to the fold out bed in the living room and when Adam brought Hannah home, Brian migrated to join him down there.

That night after lights out, I grabbed the flashlight that I kept under my bed for reading and shone it in Guthrie´s direction.

"Guthrie!"

"What?"

"Guth, I need your help with a plan I´ve got."

"What kind of plan?"

"A plan to save Fifi and Sparkle!"

"Who are they?"

"My favorite cows."

"Why do they need saving?"

"Because they´ll be sold and the one day they´ll die!"

Guthrie was quiet for a moment. "But what will we do with them?" he asked considering.

"Well maybe we can take them and lead them off to the west near the creek and then just let them go! They can feed themselves from the grass around there."

"Don´t you think Adam and Brian will notice that they´re gone," he asked.

I considered for a moment. "Well…it´s only two of them. Maybe they won´t notice!"

The best thing about being a twin is that they´re always there to go along with your plans. I´ve done it for Guthrie many a time and he´s done it for me; this time was no exception.

Guthrie sat up in bed and rested on his forearms. "When do you want to do it?"

"Well, it will have to be tomorrow because the rest of the week, we´ll be in school." I told him.

Guthrie nodded.

"We´ll have to find a time when the guys aren´t looking at the corral," I said. Guthrie started to say something when a head popped round the door. It was Crane.

"I can hear you two yahoos from the landing," he said but he didn´t sound mad. "You´re supposed to be asleep."

Guthrie lay back down in bed and I turned off the flashlight and put it back under my bed.

"Sorry, Crane," Guthrie whispered. "We´ll be quiet now."

Crane nodded and disappeared back out the door.

"We´ll decide tomorrow," I said to Guthrie and both of us settled down to go to sleep.

The next morning after breakfast, Guthrie and I waited impatiently until our brothers were away from the corral, busy with different chores. It was early afternoon before we saw our chance. The cows scattered to make way for us and I tied a rope which I had found earlier in the barn around both Fifi and Sparkle´s neck. Together with Guthrie, we used all our strength to lead them out of the corral and out towards the west, constantly looking around to make sure we were not being spotted.

It was hard work, being 6 and all and trying to lead two, full grown heifers on our own but I was determined and once Guthrie had committed to a plan, he was determined as well. It took us a while, but we managed to lead the cows off to the west, away from open pastures and to shady brush hear the creek, further into the forest.

Neither of us had thought to bring anything to eat or drink and we were soon hungry and thirsty and tired. I turned to Guthrie.

"How long should we walk for and where should we leave them?" I asked him.

Guthrie looked at me incredulously and shrugged his shoulders. "I don´t know! This was your idea!" he said and I inwardly sighed, thinking it would have been better to be more prepared.

After a couple of hours, we were in the thick of the forest, walking alongside the creek. Both Guthrie and I stopped for a rest and to drink water from the creek.

"I think we could leave them here and get on home," I said to Guthrie. "There´s water here and grass and stuff. I think they´ll be ok."

"I´m hungry," Guthrie said to no one in particular and I nodded. "Me too. Let´s try to get home quickly."

The problem was that being only 6, we didn´t know the land that well. We were never permitted to play this far out by ourselves and so had no idea where we had ended up or how to get back. The temperature had dropped and it had started to rain lightly, raindrops which felt cold on our skin considering we were both in just jeans and T-shirts.

Both of us trudged dejectedly through the forest for what seemed like a very long time, huddled together trying to get some warmth.

"What if we have to stay out here all night, or even forever!" Guthrie said to me. "We´ll be eaten by bears!" and then he started to cry a little.

I was sorely regretting my plan now and wished I were at home, inside and warm and getting ready for supper. "I´m sorry, Guthrie, maybe this wasn´t my best-"

"Shhhh!" he interrupted me, putting a finger to his lips. "Do you hear that?"

I was quiet for a minute and in the faint distance I could hear what sounded like our names being called. The voices were becoming slightly stronger with each call of our name.

"It´s Daniel!" Guthrie exclaimed and then when we heard our names being called one more time, he added "And Crane!"

Both of us started calling out to them as loudly as we could, jumping up and down and the sound of rustling and the clopping of hooves became ever closer. After what can only have been around a couple of minutes, Crane and Daniel emerged into viewing with Fifi and Sparkle being herded in front of them.

Both of them hopped off their horses before they had come to a standstill and ran up to us. Crane grabbed us both into a hug, followed by Daniel.

"What the hell, you two!" Crane said, checking us both over. "Do you know how worried the family is?"

"Yea!" Daniel added, "We´ve been looking for you for hours."

"All of you?" Guthrie asked, looking horrified.

"Crane and me came out lookin´ west; Adam went East in case you had gone that way. You left the gate to the corral open so Brian´s rounding the escaped cows up with Evan and Ford kind of helping."

Guthrie and I exchanged a dismayed look. Leaving a gate open was a terrible offence in our house. Not that taking a couple of cows and disappearing into the forest wasn´t.

"Are they very mad?" I asked Daniel who looked at me frankly.

"What do you think?"

I was cold and hungry and tired and it was all too much. I burst into noisy tears. Daniel looked at Crane and then put his arm around me, pulling me close to him.

"How did you know where to find us?" Guthrie asked Crane.

"We didn´t! We found the stock first and figured that you had to be somewhere nearby. Honestly, you two! What´s this all about?"

"I just wanted to save Fifi and Sparkle from being auctioned and dyyyyinnng," I wailed and when both Daniel and Crane looked confused, Guthrie pointed to the two cows who were looking unperturbed.

Crane shook his head and then took off his jacket, wrapping Guthrie up in it. He unrolled a couple of blankets that were strapped to his saddle and wrapped them around me, rubbing his hands up and down on my arms to try to make me warm.

"Ok," he said, decidedly. "It´s time to get home. Daniel, Heidi can ride with you and Guthrie can ride with me."

Daniel nodded and climbed back atop his horse. Crane lifted me onto Daniel´s horse and I held him around the waist with both hands. Crane then lifted Guthrie onto his own horse and climbed back into the saddle.

Just as we were about to leave, I said to Daniel, "Couldn´t we just leave the cows here..."

I saw Daniel turn in his saddle so he could look at me, "Honestly, little sister, aren´t you in enough trouble as it is?"

Both Daniel and Crane used their legs and pulled the reins to get the horses moving and we started on back towards home, herding Fifi and Sparkle in front of us.

As we rode up to the house from the west, I saw Adam galloping towards us on his horse coming in from the East. As he neared us, he was off his horse in a second and then he lifted me off Daniel´s horse. Crane dismounted and grabbing Guthrie, set him on the ground.

Adam got down on one knee and grabbed both of us of us by the arm, pulling us in for quick hug and then drawing back and checking us for cuts or bruises.

"You ok?" he asked us and when we nodded he took one of our arms each and shook us a little.

"What in blazes were you two thinking about, doing something like that?" he asked angrily, his eyes flashing.

We were both cold, very tired and hungry and it was too much for me. I burst into tears again.

"We just wanted to save Fifi and Sparkle from being auctioned because then they will be killed one day for meat!" I wailed.

Adam looked bemused for a second, "Fifi and Sparkle…" and when Daniel pointed to the two cows they had just herded in, Adam rolled his eyes.

"For goodness sake!" he yelled which made me cry even harder. Guthrie had also started to cry.

Adam shook his head and muttered something under his breath. He turned to Crane and Daniel who had dismounted at this point. Putting one hand on the back of both their necks, he said something quietly to them and then Crane nodded. The two of them led their horses towards the barn and Adam turned back to Guthrie and I. He looked down at both of us. "What am I going to do with you two?" he said and then he picked me up with one arm and took Guthrie´s hand in his other hand. I cried into his shoulder whilst he led us to the house, mainly because of the emotion of the day.

When we got into the house, Adam set me down. Both of us were shivering from being cold and Adam ran a hot bath and instructed us to bathe quickly, coming in intermittently to make sure we weren´t messing around and checking our hair to see that we had all the shampoo out.

He laid out warm pajamas for us and also instructed us to wear our dressing gowns for warmth.

"Get dressed and then come downstairs for supper," Adam told us.

Guthrie turned to me. "Brian´s gonna be so mad," he whispered. "He´s the one who had to get the rest of the cows back."

I looked at him with wide eyes but didn´t say anything. We could hear everyone else traipsing in nosily downstairs demanding to know what was for supper.

I grabbed Guthrie´s hand and we padded downstairs and into the living room. We stopped at the foot of the stairs, suddenly feeling a little shy for the trouble we had caused.

Evan hooted when he saw us and Ford giggled at him. "Well, if it isn´t our very own two little runaways," he said coming over to ruffle our hair. He bent down to look me in the eye. "Didn´t I tell you to stay away from the stock," he said to me and I nodded.

Ford gave Guthrie and me a quick hug, "I´m glad you´re alright. We were scared something had happened to ya."

Evan shook his head, "Honestly, you two babies need to be watched like a hawk," he said, shaking his head with 10-year-old superiority.

"Actually partner, I seem to recall you and Ford doing something similar around that age," a voice said and then Brian emerged from the kitchen holding a beer which he took a gulp of and then set down on the coffee table. I felt my heart beat a little faster and I know Guthrie did too because his grip on my hand tightened a little.

Evan looked at Brian in horror. "Did not!" he proclaimed.

"No way!" Ford said, looking skeptical.

"Way," Brian said grabbing one of them under each arm. "Seems I spend my whole life chasing stock let loose by wayward siblings."

He gave them a gentle push. "Go wash up for supper." Then he turned to Guthrie and I and looked down at us at full height.

"You two created quite a ruckus today, hmm?"

"We´re sorry, Brian," Guthrie said quietly using his foot to draw an invisible pattern on the floor.

"You frightened all of us and created lots of extra work for us too, you know that, right?" he said, sternly.

"Yes, Brian," I said sadly. I wanted to tell him it had all been to save Fifi and Sparkle but I had good enough sense to know that it would not help my cause.

Brian knelt down to eye level and then grabbed both of us into a hug. "I´m glad you´re safe," he said to us both and then pulled back a little, "But I´m mad and you two are in trouble."

His lecture was interrupted by Crane´s call for supper. Because of our escapades that day, no one had had any time to make a large supper so we had leftover soup and sandwiches. Despite being in trouble, neither Guthrie or I had eaten since the morning and we were starving. After supper we all helped clear up and get our school supplies ready for the next day. Adam told Guthrie and me to go wait in the living room for him and Brian and gave the others directions regarding getting ready for school the next day.

Guthrie and I sat waiting on the sofa in our pajamas, a blanket round each of us holding hands. Both of us were tired and I wanted to go upstairs to our bedroom and crawl into bed but I didn´t dare.

"The rest of you to bed, it´s a school night and it´s already late," Adam commanded firmly to Daniel, Evan and Ford which was met with a series of whines and complaints.

"I´ll take them up," Crane said grabbing Daniel´s neck under one arm, Ford´s neck under the other and gently kicking Evan on the backside in the direction of upstairs. Brian slapped him on the back in gratitude.

Once the boys had gone upstairs, Adam sat down on the coffee table across from Guthrie and me whilst Brian stayed standing by the fireplace. They looked dead on their feet and I felt really guilty that our actions had caused them so much extra work and worry.

"I´m sorry we made you worry today… and for what we did," I said softly. Guthrie nodded in agreement and echoed me softly. "Sorry."

I knew we were both in trouble but I decided I would speak up for Fifi and Sparkle one last time.

"Adam, Brian… do you think maybe we could keep Fifi and Sparkle on the ranch. I would look after them, it could be part of my chores!"

Brian addressed me from where he was standing. "No, baby. I´m sorry but that´s not the way we roll around here."

I felt the tears prick again behind my eyes but I took a deep breath and nodded, knowing it had been a long shot.

Adam looked at us both intently and then spoke to both us sternly.

"Heidi, what we do on this ranch, that is why we don´t want you getting too attached to the stock. They are not our pets, they are our livelihood and you jeopardized that today when you two went on your jaunt. Imagine if Crane and Daniel had not found you when they did?"

Guthrie teared up and started to cry but Adam ignored the tears and continued.

"You can´t just do whatever you want whenever you feel like it, shrimps. If you´re worried about something, or you want to know about something, then you need to come and ask Brian or me." He looked at Guthrie. "And you! You do not always have to do everything she asks you! Neither of you do." He was referring to the fact that the two of us always seemed to find trouble together.

"But you would have just told me what you told us now! And Fifi and Sparkle still wouldn´t have been saved," I said sadly.

I saw Adam and Brian exchange a look that I recognized as exasperation. I had seen them use that look a lot where Daniel or Evan was concerned but not so much for me or Guthrie as of yet.

"Yes, Heidi! We would have said that and you would have had to listen because you two are children and we are adults. What we say goes, whether you agree with it or not or whether you like it or not," Brian said firmly.

Neither Guthrie or I said anything and Brian came over to sit next to Adam on the coffee table and looked at both of us intently. "Do you understand me?" he asked sternly.

I nodded and Guthrie said softly, "Yes, Brian.

Brian looked at me with one eyebrow raised. "Heidi?" I remembered that both Adam and Brian hated non-verbal responses when we were in trouble, something which Daniel had told me they had picked up from our mom and dad.

"Yes, Brian, I understand," I said. "I´m sorry."

Brian nodded and stood up again.

"Adam, what´s our punishment?" Guthrie asked him. Adam looked over at Brian.

"I think it´s only fair that Brian doles out the punishment this time since he´s the one that had to spend time chasing the cattle down," Adam said.

Guthrie and I looked at Brian in trepidation with large, sad eyes. Brian´s reactions were difficult to predict sometimes. He looked back at us and then rolled his eyes.

"God, you two are like a couple of puppies," he said gruffly. "Early bedtime for a week and no playtime in the afternoon," he said and Guthrie and I breathed out in relief. Even though we both hated an early bedtime and the loss of playtime in the afternoon, it was by far preferable to the alternative.

"You´re very lucky," Adam told us. "I´d put you both over my knee if I were Brian," he said and we nodded in appreciation. Teeth and bed," he commanded and we shot up the stairs.

As Adam and Brian had confirmed, whilst we were at school during the week, the cattle including Fifi and Sparkle were sold at auction and whilst nothing more was said about them, all my brothers were extra gentle with me that week despite the early bedtime which was strictly enforced.

My next brush with death was much less innocent and I credit that with being the event that triggered the grief over my parents…


	13. Pandora s Box

**This chapter is pretty dark so reader discretion is advised. I´m heading towards the climax of the story anyway.**

Two months into my freshman year at high school, Lindy Andrews, my lab partner in Biology class died. To be specific, she committed suicide and it shook me to my core and opened up for me the whole subject of death.

Lindy and I weren´t friends exactly; we didn´t hang out at all outside of class and I didn´t really know anything about her life but from working with her in class and one time in the library when we had a project due, I knew she had a good sense of humor and that she had a huge crush on Bon Jovi. She even had a picture of him glued to the inside of her Science folder. Lindy was an excellent student and I am too so we worked well together.

I found out one morning that Lindy had died when Guthrie and I arrived at school and were told by our homeroom teacher, Mrs Napier, who walked into the room looking teary and a little awkward. Guthrie and I are in the same homeroom along with Olivia and Vanessa because it´s organized alphabetically by our last names. Mrs Napier told all of us to sit down and then she took a seat at the edge of her desk and started playing with her necklace which is something she does unconsciously when she´s a bit nervous.

"Guys, there´s something really difficult I have to talk to you about," she said, taking a deep breath.

"You´re pregnant!" Levi Weaver called out from the back of the room and some of the boys sniggered. Levi was known for having a smart mouth and spent a truckload of time in detention. We had gone to middle school with him and when Guthrie and I were in the 8th grade, hanging around with Levi had got Guthrie a couple of detentions per week for around 3 weeks until Adam piled so many punishment chores on Guthrie at home that he figured it wasn´t worth his while to keep getting into trouble.

Mrs Napier has a soft spot for Levi and normally she may have cracked a smile, but now she looked like she might burst into tears.

"No, Levi," she said quietly, "I wish it were something like that."

Levi must have realized she was really serious because he shut up then and the whole class was silent, just looking at Mrs Napier. I felt my stomach clench slightly because I knew she was about to say something terrible.

"There´s no easy way to say this, kids. Lindy Andrews in your freshman class has…well…um..she´s passed away. She´s died."

You could have heard a pin drop in the room. No one said a word. After about ten seconds, I started to hear kids whispering to each other and I heard Olivia whisper to Vanessa, "Who´s Lindy Andrews?" Our school is pretty big and I knew that Olivia had no classes with Lindy so it did make sense that she couldn´t place her.

"How?" someone asked Mrs Napier.

Mrs Napier cleared her throat. "I´m not sure. We just heard about it this morning. It happened last night."

Some girls near me started to cry and kids started talking loudly to each other. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach sucking all the air from my chest. Everyone else seemed very far away.

"Heidi, you ok? Heidi!" I heard my name being called and then I felt a hand on my arm. "Heidi!" It was Guthrie. He appeared in front of me and waved a hand in front of my face. "Heidi!"

I shook my head a little and tried to focus on him in front of me.

"Heidi. Wasn´t Lindy your bio lab partner," he asked me and I think I must have nodded because he said, "Oh man," and then he grabbed a vacant chair that was left over from someone else moving to talk to their friends, and moved it next to me, taking my hand.

Olivia started to say something to us but she was interrupted by Mrs Napier, "I know this is shocking and deeply upsetting news. If anyone wants to go home, they can go to the office and call their parents but we´ll be running classes as normal today. The guidance counselor has cleared her schedule in case anyone wants to talk to her.

I felt Guthrie´s hand on my arm. "Do you want to go home, Heidi? I can come with you to the office while you call home or I can call for you?" he offered.

I looked at him properly for the first time since hearing the news. He looked a bit pale and shocked but otherwise alright.

"No, no Guthrie, I don´t want to go home," I think I´ll just stick around here today," I told him softly. I didn´t know what I would do at home and irrationally I thought I´d be roped into helping with ranch chores or chores around the house. "Do you want to go?"

"Naw… I think I´ll stay here. It´s really sad and all, but I didn´t really know Lindy… I think I just want to hang around with my friends today… and you," he added after a couple of seconds.

Mrs Napier didn´t say much else but she went over to comfort the girls who were crying and then she let us all go to our various classes. I had math and Social Studies up until lunch and the teachers didn´t make us do much although they did set work. They seemed to understand that we needed time to talk among ourselves. At lunch normally I would sit with my friends and Guthrie would be with his but this time, he sought me out and pulled me to one side.

"Want my sandwich," I offered him, pulling a cheese and pickle sandwich out my bag. "I´m not hungry." Guthrie eats just about everything at all times and so he gratefully accepted it from me.

"Listen, Heidi, there´s something I need to talk to you about, about Lindy," he said, looking at me intently. "You might want to sit down."

"What is it?" I asked, wanly. I kept hearing Mrs Napier´s voice over and over in my head saying "Lindy Andrews has passed away, she´s died" and even though Guthrie´s mouth was in front of me and talking to me, I found it really hard to concentrate on what he was saying.

Guthrie pulled me over to a bench in the outside courtyard of the cafeteria. "I want to tell you myself because I don´t want you hearing this from anyone in the afternoon. "Josh," he said referring to one of his friends, "Josh´s mom is really good friends with Lindy´s mom and so he knew already this morning."

"So?" I asked, not seeing the point of this extra information.

"Heidi, Josh told me that Lindy committed suicide. She slit her wrists in the bath and bled out."

I looked at Guthrie in horror and he looked back at me sadly, his face really pale. I felt really sick and somehow all I could think about and hear was Mrs Napier´s voice playing over and over again in a loop.

Guthrie hugged me and he bent his head down a little so his mouth was by my ear. "Are you sure you don´t want to call one of the guys to come get you."

I shook my head again. "I´m ok, Guth." I told him.

Guthrie took a long look at me and must have decided to believe me because he let me go and said, "I´ll see you on the bus, ok?"

I spent the rest of the afternoon in a daze and when I met Ford and Guthrie to catch the bus later, Ford looked at me sympathetically and put a hand on my shoulder. He didn´t waste any time in mincing his words. "I heard about your lab partner, Heidi… that´s really tough."

"How´d you hear about it," I asked, dully, mainly just for something to say.

Ford shrugged. "It´s all around school. Everyone´s talking about it. Poor girl, she must have really been in a rough spot to do something like that."

I´m normally quite expressive but I felt exhausted, like I´d just run a marathon or something. I was silent on the way home from school and on the walk up our driveway to the house. Ford and Guthrie talked quietly and as we reached the house Ford put a hand on my arm. "Go on inside, Heidi, I´ll do your chores for you if you want?" He turned to Guthrie, "Yours too if you want."

`I´m ok to do mine," Guthrie told him.

When I went inside, no one was around which was unusual and I wondered absent mindedly where Hannah was, but I was a little glad but I didn´t want to see anyone or speak to anyone. I lay down on my bed, looking up at the ceiling and holding one of my pillows to me chest, Mrs Napier´s words swirling in my head round and round and over and over.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, I was being gently shaken awake and someone was running a hand over my hair. I opened my eyes to see Adam sitting on the edge of my bed. I was having a hard time coming round but he waited patiently, just continuing to stroke my hair.

"Hey," I croaked quietly.

"Hey yourself."

"What time is it?"

"Time for supper,"

I nodded but made no move to get up. My body felt very heavy. Adam cleared his throat.

"Guthrie and Ford told me about Lindy, your lab partner," Adam said to me, looking me straight in the eye. "That´s real hard, girl. I´m sorry for you and for her and her friends and family."

"Did Guth and Ford tell you how she did it?" I asked Adam, a little shakily.

He nodded. "Mmhmm. Poor girl, she must have been in a lot of pain," he said sadly.

"I can´t stop thinking about Mrs Napier´s words, Adam. They keep going round and round in my head." I told him, shaking my head a little, trying to shake the thoughts away.

"I can understand that," he told me "they´re hard words to hear." He took me by one arm and pulled me up to sitting.

"Come eat supper," he said to me, patting me on the leg.

"I´m too tired to talk to anyone… I don´t have any words," I said to him, tiredly. "Can I just eat up here."

I knew it was a longshot because mainly the only time one of us got to escape eating at the table is if we were sick of if we had just been punished and needed some privacy or time alone. I felt hopeful that Adam was considering it when he was silent for a moment but then he shook his head.

"No, kiddo. Come downstairs and eat with the rest of us. I know that everyone, and Guthrie especially would like to see you."

If I had been feeling less tired I may have argued but I felt the weight of a thousand stones on me so I let Adam take me by the hand and guide me downstairs to the kitchen. As we entered the kitchen, I saw my brothers give me sympathetic looks and greet me with a chorus of ´Heys´. I noticed that Guthrie was sitting by Hannah this evening and she patted the empty seat on the other side of her.

"Hey, Heidi, come sit by me," she said and when I took my place, she grabbed my hand and ran her fingers over my knuckles gently which I knew was her way of saying she was here for me without saying it out loud in front of everybody. She sensed that neither Guthrie or I had the energy to fight for food and so she filled our plates for us. "Eat the whole plate," she instructed us and I saw Guthrie giving me the hidden smile we normally shared when Hannah was acting particularly maternal.

I didn´t say a word throughout the whole meal and although Guthrie did join in with conversation, he was quieter than usual. No one bothered me and after supper, Evan and Daniel were on dish duty so I knew I wasn´t needed. I tried to sneak back up to my room by quietly crossing into the living room but Crane was already there by the piano and he called out to me as I was climbing the stairs.

"Hey, Heidi, where you going?"

"I´m tired, Crane, I just want to go to bed," I told him, my head still swirling.

Crane got up from the piano stool and came and took my hand, leading me back down the stairs. "Oh no, you don´t," he said firmly, "it´s not good for you to be alone with your thoughts tonight. You´re in shock, you need your family around you. You and Guthrie, both," he said decidedly. He pushed me gently onto one of the sofas and then grabbed one of the guitars lying nearby. Sitting next to me on the sofa, he began to strum softly, playing different chord and melodies. I lay down on the sofa, my feet by Crane and shut my eyes. True enough, the music was blocking out the swirling thoughts. Guthrie came in not too long after, and flopped down and soon after Daniel came through having finished the dishes. Daniel picked up the guitar and the two of them started playing a song they had been working on for a while.

I tried really hard to stay awake but I fell asleep and Hannah shook me awake and helped me get ready for bed. She lay down on my bed with me and stroked my hair until I fell asleep and I wondered sleepily if Guthrie would allow her to do the same for him.

The next morning when I woke up, I felt really weird. Sleeping had been a restful respite from Mrs Napier´s words but the minute I awoke, her words came flooding back playing on a loop and it´s call I could think about.

Adam asked Guthrie and me if we wanted to stay at home that day rather than go to school. Guthrie refused immediately, saying he wanted to be with his friends but I thought about it. I didn´t want to just hang out in my room but I also didn´t want to be roped into ranch chores so school seemed like the better option.

The morning passed real slowly, the teachers once again loathe to actually make us complete any real work and then in the afternoon, I had Biology. I hadn´t really thought about it until I entered the class which sounds weird because that´s how Lindy and I knew each other, but now that I was here, I was thinking that perhaps this might not be the best idea.

The room is set up so there are 8 stations on either side of the room with 2 seats per station. Since the class had an even number and Mr Eagleton was a stickler for assigned seating, it meant that I had no choice but to sit at my normal bench where I would have sat with Lindy. Like all the other teachers, Ms Eagleton must have felt like he didn´t want to assign arduous work because he gave us a few pages in the textbook to work through but when kids started talking, he didn´t really reprimand anyone. I may have tried talking to Vanessa but she was seated at a bench at the front of the room and I was one row from the back so I tried to concentrate on the pages in front of me. But it felt weird. Up until now, I hadn´t realized that I had been steadfastly looking ahead of me or concentrating on the textbook rather than look at the space to my left where Lindy would have sat.

I looked at the empty seat next to me and that´s when the realization hit me.

I would never see Lindy again. She wasn´t at home sick; she wasn´t on vacation; she wasn´t taking a toilet break: she was nowhere. She had ceased to exist- she was no longer on this planet. If she wasn´t here, then where was she? My brothers had always told me that when a person died, they went to heaven and I had always accepted that answer without really thinking about it, but now I did. What did heaven really mean? Did it even exist? And after these thoughts came a much more painful one. Lindy and I weren´t even close; I couldn´t even really call her my friend but the fact that she wasn´t here anymore was painful to me. Is this what my brothers had felt like when my parents died? I knew they must have felt a thousand times worse and I didn´t know how they had managed to bear it. Guthrie and I were so little when they died that we didn´t remember losing them, we didn´t remember that day. And if Lindy wasn´t in heaven, or if heaven didn´t exist, then where were my parents? Had they too, just ceased to be?

It was all too much and I felt like I couldn´t breathe, like someone was sitting on my chest. I felt pinpricks of cold all over my body but my hands were clammy, like I was sweating and I felt like I might faint. I grabbed my bag which was on the floor and made for the door. As if from far away, I could hear my name being called, and it sounded like it was Mr Eagleton´s voice but I couldn´t really focus past the rushing sound in my head and the blood which seemed to be pounding in my ears.

I bolted straight out the classroom door, straight down the hallway and down the stairs and along the hallway downstairs, out the front door of school and down the steps. Our high school is about 4 miles outside of Murphys and I ran all the way along that road, clutching my bag while it slammed against my side as I ran for what just have been 800 meters before I collapsed by the side of the road out of breath and out of steam. On either side of the road are fields and I lay a little off to one side on my back with my eyes shut feeling the earth beneath me swirl and churn.

After what seemed like a long time, but perhaps in reality was only 20 minutes, I was able to sit up. The earth was no longer spinning but I still felt the weight on my chest and although I was sweating, I still felt freezing cold. I sat up and considered. I knew I could go back the way I came towards school and go to the office and call home or I could continue walking along the road to Murphys and I knew Marie would let me use the phone at her café which is also a bar and a hotel. I knew the most sensible thing would be to go back to school but irrationally I was scared of the trouble I was in now by just running out of class and leaving school like that and I didn´t think I could take a telling off by the guidance teacher who deals with behavior issues for freshman so I decided to take my chances making my way towards Murphys.

I walked along the side of the road in the direction that cars drive figuring that would be the safest option. It´s not a real busy road apart from when school begins and ends and there weren´t that many cars that passed me. 4 miles isn´t that much in the grand scheme of things but it´s no small feat either and by the time I passed the Murphys´s sign indicating the entrance to the town limits, I was exhausted and my head really hurt, most probably from the intrusive, obsessive thoughts crowding my head.

I made my way to Marie´s and pushed open the front door, craning my head hoping to spot her. I didn´t really know Marie too well before Hannah married Adam but she owns the hotel and bar/cafe and that´s how Hannah and Adam met. Since Adam and Hannah married though, I´ve got to know her real well because I always like to go into town with Hannah when she goes and she never goes without stopping to drop in to talk and see Marie.

Marie´s back was turned to me and she was taking orders from a table of couple and three young kids so I saw down at a nearby table and waited until she had finished. When she turned around I stood up and she almost ran into me as she looked at the notepad whilst walking to the kitchen to put in the order.

"Heidi!" she exclaimed, putting a hand on her chest, "You startled me!"

"Hey Marie," I said quietly.

"Glory, girl! You look terrible! Marie´s eyes narrowed a bit and she looked more closely at me. "Aren´t you supposed to be at school?"

I nodded. "I ran out. Some stuff´s happened this week…"

Marie paused for a minute and then I saw realization pass over her face. "You a friend of that poor girl who took her own life?"

"Not a friend exactly… I knew her, sort of. She was my lab partner." I said quietly. "How did you hear about… about it…?" I asked.

Marie gave me a knowing look. "Nothing stays hidden in a small town like this," Marie said. She sighed. "It sure is a terribly sad thing."

"I had Biology this afternoon, I just couldn´t sit there…" I said trailing off.

Marie nodded in understanding and put her hand on my arm.

"Your brothers know where you´ve got to?" she asked me and I shook my head to indicate no. "Well, I´d say you´d better call home and tell someone you´re safe and sound. You can use the phone in the back," she said firmly, leading me to the little office she has next to the kitchen.

My hands were shaking as I dialed. I knew no one at home would be impressed that I´d just taken off from school. The phone only rang once before someone picked up. It was Hannah.

"Hello," she answered, sounding breathless.

"Hannah, it´s me."

"Heidi?" I heard Hannah let out a breath, "Thank god? Are you ok? Where are you? The school called an hour ago saying you just took off! Adam´s out lookin´ for you!"

I felt my heart sink a little.

"I´m at Marie´s," I said a little shakily. "Is Adam mad, Hannah?"

Hannah was quick to answer. "No, Heidi, he´s not mad at you. He´s just real worried. I´m going to try to get a message to him and he´ll pick you up. You stay right where you are, you hear?"

"Yes, Hannah."

"Put me on to Marie," she said and I passed the phone to Marie, flopping down in Marie´s desk chair and putting my head down on the desk to try to abate the pounding.

Marie spoke to Hannah on the phone and when she was done she left, intermittently bringing me a coke saying I looked a little peaky and I probably needed some sugar to perk me up. In truth I hate coke but I sipped at it so as not to offend Marie. I wondered how Hannah would get in touch with Adam but not long after I called home, I heard the deep rumble of Adam´s voice from the front of the café and then I heard Adam´s boot steps down the small passage which led from the front of the café to the kitchen and the office in the back. Adam stepped into the office and I got up from the chair.

"Adam! I promise I´ll never leave school like this without permission ever again. It´s just we had Biology and then I looked to my left and Lindy wasn´t there and I couldn´t breathe and it made me feel so bad and I just-" I cried in a rush before Adam put up a hand to stop me in my tracks.

"Woah there, slow down, kiddo. I´m not mad at you. Your Biology teacher told the office what happened and they called and explained. I was just worried about you, are you ok?" he said, putting one hand on each of my arms and looking searchingly into my face.

I hadn´t cried at all yet since I heard the news about Lindy. It was as if I couldn´t cry, the tears just wouldn't come but standing there with Adam looking at me so understandingly and with my head pounding and feeling so exhausted from the physical exertion of feeling so panicky combined with my walk into Murphys, I felt them rise up from my chest and my face crumpled.

"Noooo," I wailed, but I didn´t want to, or perhaps didn´t know how to tell him what was on my mind.

"This was bound to happen sooner or later, little one," he said to me, his hands still holding my arms and when I started to cry harder he pulled me into his chest, holding me around the waist with one arm and placing his other hand on the back of my head, holding me to him. He lowered his mouth to my ear and said softly, "It´s a big shock when something like this happens but you´re gonna be ok."

"Why would someone do that to themselves though?" I asked him, my voice muffled from being buried in his chest.

"I don´t think a person can ever understand unless they´re in that place themselves," Adam said.

He cuddled me for another couple of minutes and then he pulled back slightly. There was a box of Kleenex on Marie´s work desk and he grabbed one and held it up to me like he did when I was a little kid.

"Blow," he said and I took the tissue from him and blew my nose and wiped my eyes. I was still crying but not so hard and I had better control over myself. Adam grabbed my bag and guided me out of the office and to the jeep, stopping to thank Marie on our way out. As I was getting into the car I remembered to ask how he had known I was at Marie´s.

"I called home to tell Hannah I still hadn´t found you and she told me you had called."

When we got home, Adam took me into the house and then disappeared again to help Brian with one of the cows who had gotten stuck in the mud due to unseasonal rains. Hannah took over and ran me a bath and when I got out, she brushed my hair for me. I need not have been worried that I would be in trouble for running out of school because my whole family were very gentle with me that evening at supper and when I said I announced I wanted to go to bed soon after supper, at 8pm, Brian said he would come and sit with me until Daniel intervened and said that he would do it since he hadn´t been around much lately.

After everyone called goodnight to me, Daniel followed me up to my bedroom and waited until I had brushed my teeth. I climbed into bed, with my legs under the covers, but sat up, my back against the headboard.

"Scoot over," Daniel said seating himself next to me on my bed, his back against the headboard. My bed is not very big and so with both of us sitting side by side, there wasn´t much room. I clutched one of my pillows to my chest, and put my chin down into it.

"How about I read to you?" Daniel suggested, picking up the book at the side of my bed and squinting at it. "What´s this? _East of Eden_ … is this any good?" He flicked through it. "Sure is long."

"I think I´m a little too old to be read to," I told him with a small smile.

"Maybe so," Daniel said, still flicking through my book. "Remember when I used to read to you before bed all the time when you were little. God it drove me mad, you were completely obsessed with that Dr Seuss book… what´s it called again?"

"The Cat in the Hat."

"Right! You wanted it read to you over and over!"

"Only coz you were so good at doing different voices."

We both laughed and then I clutched the pillow tighter to me, trying to gather up the courage to ask what was on my mind. I couldn´t look at Daniel when I spoke to him next so I just sort of looked down and mumbled into my pillow.

"Daniel?"

"mmm?"

"What was it like when mom and dad died… that day I mean and after that…?"

I felt Daniel´s body sort of stiffen next to me and he was silent for a moment.

"Why do you want to know that, Heidi?" he asked, his voice kind of stilted.

"I don´t know… it´s just this thing with Lindy has got me thinking. I mean I was too young to remember what it was like and I want to know."

I sneaked a look at Daniel and saw a pained sort of expression on his face. He was still absent- mindedly fiddling with my book.

"It was hard, Heidi. It was real hard."

He paused for a moment and then he continued.

"I know this sounds strange but I´m glad you were too little to remember. I´m not glad you don´t remember them because that´s an awful shame, but it was a real bad time… and a coupla years after that too."

I wanted to ask Daniel more but I didn´t know how I could ask him to tell me what he meant by a bad time because he looked so upset and I was sorry for bringing it up and stirring up those feelings for him so I asked him the other important question on my mind.

"Daniel, where you think mom and dad are now?"

Daniel side eyed me and he was silent again. I wondered if he was going to answer me at all when he spoke. "I don´t know myself, Heidi. When you and Guthrie were little, we used to tell you they were in heaven. That´s what Adam and Brian told me and the others too. But now you´re old enough to hear what I really think… I don´t know if there´s a heaven or if they´re anywhere really. I don´t like to think of them being nowhere because that means they´re gone completely, so I like to just think that they´re around. That they´re in the air and the trees and the water." He turned his head to look at me properly. "Know what I mean?" he asked me and although I didn´t know if I agreed, I liked the idea and I nodded.

Daniel put one arm around me and pulled me closer to his side and I put my head on his shoulder. Neither of us said anything but we sat in companionable silence for a few minutes. I could feel myself starting to get sleepy and I shut my eyes. Daniel´s arm was still around me and he ran his thumb back and forward across the side of my arm. It was soothing to sit there with him and when I was almost asleep, he gently released me and told me softly to lie down.

"I´m not leaving yet," he assured me when he shifted so he was only sitting on the edge of the bed. I lay on my side and he stroked my hair gently. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is waking up in the morning.

Lindy´s family chose to have a private service, probably because of the manner of Lindy´s death and Mr Eagleton mixed up the seating plan and I got another lab partner. I can´t say I missed Lindy because I didn´t really know her but I did think about her often and wonder where she had ended up, if anywhere.

That experience for me though, opened up the whole subject of my parents. I can honestly say the sadness didn´t stay for long: a couple of weeks at most. But then came the abject rage.

It was like a Pandora´s box that once opened, it´s impossible to contain its contents. It came with a life force of its own and it´s been with me ever since that day.


	14. Refuge

I sat in Julia´s living room, spilling out intelligible streams of words whilst she tried to make sense of what I was trying to say. Perhaps I should explain further: Julia´s therapy practice is a small annexe attached to her house. In it is a consultation room where she sees her patients and a waiting room for people who arrive early for their next appointments, or people waiting for their friends or loved ones to finish their sessions. I had arrived 20 minutes earlier, sobbing and shaking and her husband, whom I hadn´t know existed answered the door. I think he must have been used to patients turning up out of nowhere because he didn´t look particularly perturbed to see me, just ushered me into the living room and called Julia down from upstairs. Now she was sat next to me on the couch, telling me to breathe deeply and trying to get me to calm down.

I had run away again. I hadn´t known what else to do, where else to come, who else to turn to and I was desperate. I had even driven Hannah away with my awful, hateful words. I couldn´t go to Olivia´s house or the houses of any of my other friends because I knew that they wouldn´t understand. Julia was the only person I felt could help me.

"Heidi, take deep breaths. In for 4 seconds and out for 8," she said and I tried to imitate the breathing pattern she was showing me.

"It´s all messed up," I tried to say, but because I was such a mess, she couldn´t really make out what I was trying to say.

"Shhh, just calm down first, before you try to speak," Julia said soothingly. Even in the state I was in, I could see that this was not her first time around the block with a hysterical person and I wondered why she worked from home because then, crazy people like me could just turn up on her doorstep.

After about 10 minutes, Julia´s exercises started to work and I was able to calm my panic although I felt very light-headed due to breathing so deeply.

"Heidi, does your family know you´re here?" she asked me gently and I shook my head, feeling the panic rising from my stomach again.

She sensed it and grabbed my hand. "It´s okay, we´ll sort this out, together. I´ll help you," she said soothingly and gave me an encouraging smile.

"I can never go home again, Julia. Never. Not ever," I said with a shuddering breath.

"And why do you have this impression?"

"Because. Because I behaved so badly and I lost my mind and then I broke stuff and said the most vicious things to my brothers. And to Hannah. Even to Hannah!" I cried, lowering my head to my hands. I felt a cold sense of shame spreading out across my body as I remembered what had happened a couple of hours earlier."

"Did you have a fight with your family?" she asked me, trying to ascertain the facts. "With Adam and Brian?"

I nodded and then lifted my face from my hands and looked at her properly for the first time. "With everybody! Even Guthrie is mad at me. Everybody. What am I going to do, Julia?" I cried. I can honestly say that I felt, at that moment, like the world was coming to an end.

"What happened, Heidi?" she asked me firmly, handing me a glass of water. "Here. Drink the whole thing."

I took large sips of the water which resulted in hiccups.

"I can´t tell you, Julia. I´m too ashamed."

Julia put a hand on my shoulder. She seemed to be considering something and then she decided. She crossed the room to a desk, sitting in the corner and opened one the drawers with a key. She took out a pad of paper and a pretty pink pen and then said, "Come sit here."

I obeyed her and sat down in the comfortable chair which was by the desk. The cushion was made of green velvet.

Julia handed me the pen. "I´m going to call your family and let them know you´re here."

I opened my mouth to protest but she held up a hand to silence me. "I have to, Heidi. They´ll be worried about you and it´s not fair."

I shut my mouth again and looked at her in trepidation, still very teary.

"They won´t care. They´ll be relieved that I´ve gone!" I said.

Julia shook her head. "They will care and they do care. We´ll sort this out, I promise. In the meantime, if you can´t tell me what happened, write about it."


	15. Explosion

**Heidi loses her mind in this chapter and is really rather unlikable. Much more interaction with the family in chapters to follow.**

It´s hard to know where to begin with this entry, but I guess in the spirit of being honest, I know that since Lindy died, and certainly since my failed attempt to covertly attend a college party, I´ve been a complete brat.

Rage is a funny thing: it takes over your whole being, your whole mind and makes you act in ways you never thought possible. It starts in the very pit of your stomach and then filters out, like a poison, throughout your body rising up through your chest and reaching as far as your fingers and toes, clouding the way you see the world and how you think.

Growing up, I was used to rage in different forms. Brian especially could be provoked by the smallest infraction and I was accustomed to seeing him or hearing about him getting into brawls. He has, what I believe Julia would term as ´an anger problem´ but as I´ve gotten older, I´ve realised that fighting and brawling with others is a choice Brian makes because although he´s got a short fuse, he´s always been quite gentle with the family, or he certainly has with me anyway. Sure, he´ll be the first one to tell you loudly if he disagrees with something and he´s the first one to snap if one of us younger kids is trying his patience, but none of us have ever been scared that he would punch us in the face or throw us across a room, which means that really, when it really comes down to it, Brian can control himself if he wants to.

I don´t like to admit it, but I guess the way I´ve been behaving is a choice I´ve been making too. Since Lindy died, all I´m able to think about is my parents and where they are now and what life might be like if they were here. The thoughts are all consuming and follow me everywhere I go like a large, black, faithful dog that just won´t leave you alone. Every morning it´s my first thought and every evening, it´s my last thought before I go to bed, I lie and imagine a different existence where life is different. But instead of it making me sad, it makes me angry. Livid. Bruisingly furious and incandescent with rage.

I began to hate life on the ranch, hate the chores that are integral to ranching, hate living out in the middle of nowhere in a small town where everyone knows everyone else´s business. I hate how many rules my brothers have for me at home. I hate the rules that are imposed on me at school. And I´ve been acting out. After going to the party with my friends, getting caught and facing the consequences, I was so angry at my brothers, Adam and Brian especially, that I had been treated like a little girl and despite the harsh and lengthy punishment, I still wasn´t sorry.

I argue with them about everything: I smart off to teachers and have become a regular in detention, something which infuriates Adam especially because he´s a stickler for manners and respect. I want to be allowed to stay out until midnight on a school night, which Adam, Brian and Crane laughed in my face for and promptly refused: I did it once and faced similar consequences to the ones I´d had for going to the party. It seems like they disprove of everything I do: the clothes I want to wear, the friends I hang around with, the fact that two months ago I wanted to date a Junior with a motorcycle and went riding with him when I was supposed to be at school.

And I never win these arguments. I can argue as much as I want and I can make excuses until I´m blue in the face, but they never relent. I´ve spent more time in the past six months grounded and staring face down at the floor over one or another of my oldest brothers´ laps than I have in all my previous years growing up.

I can see my actions are hurting everyone in my family. Sometimes I see Adam or Brian looking at me with a wistful or reflective expression on their faces and I know they´re wondering where the person I was before has gone and who this new angry, rebellious person is now. I wonder too. When I was younger, I was real close to them both: upsetting or disappointing them had seemed like the worst thing in the world, but now I feel like I couldn´t be distanced any further from them. Before I started therapy, Crane, Daniel, Guthrie and Hannah, the resident McFaddens who are more adept at talking about their feelings had all approached me and tried to tease out of me the reasons I´m acting this way. But I couldn´t tell them because I didn´t quite understand it myself and I didn´t know how to put into words what I was feeling about my parents.

And then it came to a head this Sunday afternoon.

It started off over something small like these things normally do and escalated into an explosion akin to World War Three. A few weeks ago, I decided that I no longer want to go to church. My family really isn´t very religious at all and we don´t go to church all the time but when we were younger especially, Adam tried to get us there at least twice a month. I know that Crane feels like he has a close relationship with God but I´m not really sure about the others; I think they go out of a sense of duty and the fact that our parents went and used to take all of us every Sunday. For me though, I´m not sure that I believe in god anymore and I don´t see the point in sitting listening to what I consider to be make believe stories. I tried to argue with Adam about going, unsuccessfully and he said until I was 18, I had to go and that he would hogtie me and deliver me there himself if he had to.

One thing that drives me crazy about Adam is that if he promises something, you´d better believe he´ll deliver so I knew this battle was lost. Because of having to go, I was already in a less than agreeable mood when we all returned from church in the truck, the majority of us sitting in the bed of the truck and Adam, Hannah and Guthrie this time, up front. When we got into the house all of us changed out of our church clothes into jeans and sat down to lunch around the table.

That´s when the trouble started.

"I know it´s Sunday, but there´s a bunch of chores that need to be done today," Adam announced to the rest of us around the table. He was a met with a host of complaints from everyone from Daniel down to me as Sunday is normally the day we are able to do our own thing in the afternoon.

Adam shook his head and held up his hand to silence everyone, "I know this cuts into everyone´s plans and I´m sorry, but there´s just too much to do around here to ignore it. The tractor´s playin´ up and needs fixin´, there´s fences to be mended because of the storm earlier this week and I think the carburettor in the truck is shot, Daniel, can you take a look at it?"

Daniel nodded. "Sure dad, minor set back in the McFadden ranchin´ empire!" he said with a smile, a phrase which he likes to toss out whenever a series of events go wrong all at once on the ranch, something which actually happens quite often.

Adam rolled his eyes, "Don´t call me dad," he said for the umpteenth time to Daniel who exchanged a grin with Crane and Evan.

"Honey, I could use some help in the house," Hannah said from the opposite end of the table. "There´s a pile of laundry and other housework to be done."

Adam nodded. "Heidi can help you," he told her and she smiled at me.

I, however, was unimpressed. I hate laundry, I mean who doesn´t? I also hate all forms of housework and cooking and cleaning and I´d much prefer to be outside in the fresh air with the sun or wind in my face than stuck inside.

I turned to him sullenly, "How about asking me if I can help, not just volunteering my services without my consent?" I asked him in an irritated tone.

I could see that Adam was aggravated by my words, but he took a deep breath and said, "Okay, Heidi, have it your way. Would you _please_ help Hannah in the house this afternoon?"

For some reason, the way he said it, accentuating the ´please´ riled me up further and I couldn´t suppress my temper. "How come I have to help in the house and not one of the boys? Is it coz I´m a girl? That´s really sexist you know. Just because I´m a girl doesn´t mean I was born liking to do housework."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Brian throw this napkin down irately. "Cut the crap, Heidi," he said to me sternly, "You know that everyone does their fair share around here and you know that you´re often outside doing work around the ranch. You´re just pickin´ a fight, so knock it off."

I sat back huffily in my chair and crossed my arms. "Oh really, Brian? That´s interesting because since Hannah came, I don´t remember the last time you actually did a load of laundry or did any cleaning whatsoever," I said evenly to him.

Brian fixed me with a glare and said loudly, "I´m not getting in with this you just now. If Adam or I ask you or tell you to do something, you do it. That´s the way things work around here. If you can´t sit down here with us amicably, then go to your room and pick a fight there."

I probably should have just gotten up and gone to my room at this point, but there was something in me at that moment which just wouldn´t let me back down.

"Why are you always trying to silence me, Brian? I´m completely subjugated in this house," I directed at him huffily with a scowl on my face. I thought I saw Crane and Daniel exchange an amused smile but Evan sitting next to me muttered under his breath, "Here we go again." Ford laughed at him much to Brian´s irritation and he glared at them both. Ford cleared his throat and looked away, helping himself to some more fried chicken and I turned to Evan.

"Oh hey, Evan, remember when I asked for your opinion?" I asked him sarcastically and when he gave me a confused look I said, "Yea, neither do I," before Adam interjected.

"You are _NOT_ subjugated Heidi. Hush and eat, or go to your room."

I got up to go to my room and as a parting shot to Adam I said, "Well of course you would say that. The oppressor is never going to admit it, are they?"

That could have been the end of it. Would have been the end of it. I had decided that I would go upstairs away from the table to try to dispel the rising rage I felt within. But Brian couldn´t let it go and then he uttered those words, the words that I´ve been hearing my whole life when I´m in trouble but which, over the last 6 months, have the power to open a chasm in my head: "What do you think mom and dad would think of your behavior right now, huh?"

I´ve read a lot in literature or seen people in movies talking about seeing a red mist, or having a red haze descend upon them making them act in a way that they would never have thought possible. I´ve never understood that red mist until now. I don´t know why this time was different but maybe it was because I´d spent the whole of the church service thinking about my parents and debating where they were right now, or maybe it´s because I hadn´t slept properly in weeks because i just couldn´t sleep anymore, or maybe it was because I knew that I was acting badly and I knew that they would be angry and disappointed in me. The reason doesn´t really matter; what does is that with the advent of those words, I completely lost control. It was like I didn´t have a filter anymore and even though my brain was yelling at me to stop, my body had a life of its own. It happened quickly, a searing pain starting in the middle of my chest and spreading out like hot lava to my arms and legs making them feel as though they were being pricked with a thousand needles.

"I don´t know, Brian, what do you think they´d think about this?" I shouted at him and picking up my plate of food, I launched it, full force at the wall in front of me. It smashed into pieces and food flew in all directions but I was too busy grabbing the salad bowl in front of me and hurling it the same direction where it met the same fate as the plate, to notice. I had been sitting in between Evan and Crane and across from Daniel and Ford, both of whom sprang out the way when I tossed it across the room.

"What the hell, Heidi!" Daniel exclaimed, but I was on a roll, just picking up anything in my way and flinging it around the kitchen directing my words at Brian at the top of my lungs, "What about this, Brian, huh?" and "What do you think they´d say now?"

I´m not quite sure about the order of what actually unfolded because it´s hard to remember as it happened so quickly and being so angry and all, but I do know that Ford looked at Evan with wide eyes and whispered, "Holy shit, she´s lost it."

I didn´t hear Evan´s reply because I was too busy launching things from the table across the room at the wall: a salt shaker, a glass of orange juice, a large serving spoon. I could hear Guthrie and Daniel´s telling me to stop and Adam and Brian roaring at me but maybe it was because it was a different pitch that I could hear Hannah´s voice the loudest.

"Heidi! Stop it, stop it now! You´re acting like a complete crazy person!" she hollered at me from her place where she had stood up.

I love Hannah and I had never ever disrespected or been rude to her in any way, mainly because she had never given me any reason to but also because she´s normally on my side, however at this precise second, clouded in the fog of rage, I hated her alongside everyone else on that table, just because they were there and because I had lost control.

I turned my head towards her and shouted at the top of my lungs, "DON´T TELL ME WHAT TO DO HANNAH, YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER AND YOU NEVER WILL BE. IN FACT, I HATE YOU!" I turned to the whole table, "I HATE ALL OF YOU! I WISH I DIDN´T HAVE TO LIVE HERE ON THIS SHITTY RANCH IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE IN THIS CRAPPY TOWN WITH ALL OF YOU," and then I turned back to Hannah. "I WISH THAT MY MOM WAS HERE NOW, SITTING IN YOUR PLACE, INSTEAD OF YOU!"

Hannah´s face turned white and she opened her mouth to say something but she was drowned out by Adam thundering my name and making a move towards me. I saw him coming and sprang out the way, putting a chair in between us and hollering at him. I could hear Guthrie´s voice shouting at me across the din I was making.

"Shut up, Heidi! Don´t ever speak to Hannah that way; I don´t know who the hell you think you are, but you´re not my sister right now!"

His voice broke a little as though he was about to burst into tears and Daniel, who was standing near to him put his hand on his shoulder and said something quietly to him, something I couldn´t hear over the sound of my own fury. I knew what Guthrie was saying was true but his words fueled my rage and I launched myself at him across the table, turning it over, sending everything left on the table onto the floor. Guthrie jumped back neatly out my way and I made a move for him again when suddenly I felt myself being pulled backwards by my sweatshirt and then two strong arms, who I quickly registered as belonging to Crane, encircled me quickly from behind, trapping my own arms and holding them down under his. I thrashed around, screaming for him to let me go and trying to break free by using my legs to try to kick him behind me but his grip on me was too firm and I was no physical match for him. With his arms still trapping mine, he lifted me easily off the ground and swiveled me slightly to one side so that I couldn´t kick him, removing me from the kitchen and hauling me up the stairs towards my room, me screaming bloody murder the whole way.

The door to my room was already open a little and Crane used his foot to kick it open a little more, toting me into my room and then using his foot again to kick the door closed behind him.

One thing about Crane is that unlike Adam or Brian, or any of my other brothers really, he´s much less likely to react with anger to a situation. It doesn´t mean he doesn´t feel it, but he´s the calmest out of all of us. When I shrieked at him to let me go, he didn´t react at all except to say in a cool voice, "I will let you go when you´re not a danger to yourself or anyone else."

He set me on my feet again but he didn´t let go of my arms. I was breathing heavily but I was by no means out of steam and I still felt like I wanted to lash out. Crane must have sensed it because in the space of a few moments, he had pulled my desk chair out from under the table, sat down and tugged me down over one knee, using his other leg to trap my legs under his so that I couldn´t kick him. One arm held me down over his lap with almost no effort at all. There was nowhere else for my arms to be apart from in front of me and I grabbed the left two legs of the chair, trying to shake it to destabilize us both, but the chair was too sturdy and I ended up just jerking my body backwards and forward to no avail and then pounding my fists on the floor in frustration.

Having been depressingly used to this position a lot in the past 6 months, I waited for Crane´s hand to make contact with my backside but the first blow never came. He didn´t say a word to me, just kept me pinned there whilst I ranted and raved at him to let me go.

It didn´t take too long for me to realize that I was effectively trapped and I ran out of steam, the anger turning to tears when I stopped fighting him. I eventually lay limply over Crane´s knee. The blood had rushed to my head and I was left feeling lightheaded with a rushing sound in my ears.

After what must have been about 5 minutes after the intense anger had left my body, Crane spoke quietly over my tears.

"I´m going to let you up now. If you start fightin´ me again, I´ll put you straight back into this position. Do you understand?"

I nodded and I know he could see me but he said firmly, "I´d like a verbal answer, Heidi."

"Yes, Crane," I managed to get out through my tears.

He righted me on my feet again and we faced each other. Being upended to standing so quickly had made me lightheaded and I had to grab on to the side of my desk for balance.

Crane´s face was sombre and sad but he didn´t look angry.

"That was quite a performance down there," he said to me dryly and I responded by throwing myself face down on my bed, crying into my pillow.

Crane came and crouched down by my bed so that he was eye level with me even though I wouldn´t look at him. "I´m going downstairs now to help clear up the mess you´ve made. I don´t know who you are right now, but it´s not the person you were raised to be. I´m sure Adam or Brian will be up soon to deal with you but in the meantime I want you to think long and hard about your behavior down there and the things you said. Words are weapons, Heidi. They can´t always be taken back."

He got up again and crossed to the door, leaving my room and shutting the door gently behind him.

I lay on my bed, sobbing hysterically into my pillow. All the rage and fight had gone out of me and I was exhausted. As Crane has been carting me up the stairs, I had sort of registered everyone´s faces. Hannah had her arm around Guthrie and both of them looked pale, as did Ford, his face almost the same color as his hair. Evan had been standing by the front door, his features clouded with confusion. Daniel hadn´t looked angry, just real serious and he was standing, leaning with both hands on the back of his chair. Adam and Brian had looked absolutely livid. I could see that Brian was working overtime to hold himself back and control himself and Adam´s jaw was clenched tightly and he was gritting his teeth. I knew that when one or both of them got their hands on me, it wouldn´t be pretty.

But their wrath was not my main concern. It was that I simply didn´t know how to explain myself. I was already sorry and ashamed. In the past 6 months, I haven´t really been sorry for any of my actions. I said I was sorry because that´s what you´re supposed to say when you do something you´re not meant to do and get caught. But I wasn´t sorry, not the way I was now. I knew I had gone way too far this time and I didn´t know how I could possibly face everyone downstairs with what I had said and what I had done. There was only one person I felt who could help me and she lived in Sonora.

Still sobbing, I grabbed my backpack and threw on an extra sweater for warmth as my jacket was downstairs on the coat hook by the front door. I could hear noise from downstairs, the thunder of Adam and Brian´s voices especially and I thought irrationally that I didn´t have much time. Throwing some clothes and underwear into my backpack, I grabbed some money that I had saved in a little box my dresser, shoving it into my pocket.

I wedged open my bedroom window and looked outside. There was no one out there and I thought that perhaps they were all still inside the house discussing me and how they were most likely going to throw me out of the family. My room faces the back of the house and I climbed out into the slanted roof, edging my way down, whilst sitting on my butt so that I didn´t fall. There´s beams which run from the bottom of the slanted part of the roof, down to the ground and I climbed my way down one of them, quickly, holding on to it tightly and using my legs to shimmy down it like a frog. When I reached the ground, I crouched down for a minute listening for the sounds of any voice outside of anyone that might see and stop me but there was still none.

I knew that any minute, brothers would start emerging from the front door, or that someone might glance out the window and spot me but I didn´t see that I had any choice: I just had to make it up our long driveway so I could get to the road and catch a ride with someone, hopefully to Sonora. I sprinted out towards the barn to the corral where the horses were grazing and climbing swiftly over the fence, I grabbed the first horse nearby which happened to be Knox- Crane´s horse and led him outside the corral through the gate. I hopped on him bareback and using my legs to get him going, I galloped across the pasture alongside our driveway, holding onto his mane to keep myself steady. It only took 5 minutes and when I´d reached the main road, I dismounted Knox and climbed over the fence onto the road. I wasn´t too worried about Knox as I knew that he would either cantor his way back or he would graze lazily in the pasture and be found by one of my brothers later.

Our ranch is just north of Murphys, 18 miles from Sonora and I knew the only way I would get there is by hitching a ride with someone. I was feeling exhausted but wired at the same time and terrified that someone at home would have realized by now that I was gone and would be coming after me. On the other hand, I wondered if they wouldn´t just be relieved that I had gone and left them all in peace.

The road that runs to our ranch isn´t very busy at the best of times and I walked in the direction of cars going in the way I was going except that for the first 20 minutes of me walking, the road was quiet and I began to rethink my plan. I made it all the way to the bridge that crosses the river before even seeing a car and then a couple zoomed past me before I had my wits together to put out my thumb and ask for a ride.

By this point I had stopped crying but I knew I must look a mess with red eyes and disheveled hair from the thrashing about I had been doing over Crane´s knee, trying to break free. I hadn´t even stopped to brush my hair before I climbed out the window. The whole time I was walking, I replayed the scene downstairs in the kitchen over and over again, seeing everyone´s faces, especially Hannah´s, looking at me in anger and shock and disgust but it spurned me on because I knew I couldn´t go home.

I was on the bridge when I heard the rumble of an engine in the distance behind me and I turned around to see a red truck ambling slowly towards me. I held out my thumb and the truck slowed down and then an elderly man with a tanned, lined face wound down the window.

"Howdy, young lady. You lookin´ for a ride?" he asked me lazily.

I nodded and considered the man´s face, irrationally trying to work out if he had the look of someone who might kidnap and murder me on the way.

"I need to get to Sonora," I told him. But if you´re not going that way, Murphys or Angels Camp will do." I pulled out the roll of money in my jeans pocket and held it out in front of him. "I can pay you."

The man studied me for a moment and then he asked me, "You look a little young. Where´s your parents?"

I had to think quickly on my feet and when I opened my mouth, I said the first thing that came to mind, "I don´t have a dad and my mom´s taken off. I´m making my way to my aunt´s house." I hoped I sounded convincing.

The man pursued his lips together and tapped his hand on the wheel clearly weighing up what to do before he made a decision. "Okay, kid. Get on in."

I scrambled into the passenger seat of the man´s truck and hoped against hope that he wasn´t a psychopath preying on young women. In my head I thought that perhaps it would save everyone a lot of grief if he were to murder me and I was never to be seen again.

As we rolled down the road, I clutched my bag to my chest and tapped my leg up and down nervously, watching the scenery whizz past us out the window. I could feel the man turning his head to look at me every so often.

"I think, young un´ that you might be in a spot of trouble."

I didn´t answer him but just looked straight ahead.

"Don´t feel like talkin´ huh?" and when I didn´t answer him again, he said, "It happens that I´m headed through Sonora to Stockton so it´s your lucky day. What´s the address of where you´re headed?"

"You can drop me at the bus station," I told him, not wanting to give out Julia´s address to a complete stranger.

The man shrugged his shoulders, "Suit yourself."

It only took us around 30 minutes to make the journey and the man didn´t try to make conversation with me again. He turned on the radio to the local station. Music was playing but I wasn´t really listening, I was just thinking about what was going on at home and whether anyone had noticed I was missing. Or cared.

When the man pulled up to the bus station, I tried to offer him payment but he batted it away. "Listen young lady, I got two boys. I know a kid in trouble when I see one. I don´t know what kind of trouble you´re in, but I hope you find what you´re lookin´ for."

I felt the tears rise up again but I blinked them away and just as I was opening the passenger´s door, he grabbed my arm gently. "Good luck, little lady," he said and I thanked him softly.

Because the man hadn´t taken payment for taking me to Sonora, I still had the money I had left the house with and I was so utterly exhausted and wrung out with emotion at this point that I used the money to take a cab to Julia´s house.

As I approached her front door, I looked at my watch. Three hours ago we had all sat down to lunch after church and now here I was, having run away from home yet again. Everything was such a mess and I hoped against hope that Julia would be able to help me out of the wreck I had got myself into.

I raised my hand and rang the bell.


	16. Collection

I don´t know how long Julia was out the room for but it must have been quite a while because I had finished my entry and had my head face down on the desk, resting to one side on my lower arms when she came back in quietly.

I lifted my head and looked at her nervously. She walked over and sat on the arm of the couch, by the chair in which I was sitting.

"I heard what happened," she said quietly. "Of course I´d like to read your perspective too."

I felt my heart rate quicken and my face heat up with shame even though I knew that she would have found out from reading my entry.

I didn´t want to know but I couldn´t help asking, "Did you speak to Adam?"

Julia shook her head. "No, I spoke at length with Hannah."

At the mention of Hannah´s name, my eyes filled up with tears again remembering the hateful words I had screamed at her just hours before.

"Is she ok?" I whispered. I couldn´t meet Julia´s eyes and I looked down at my hands which were blurry through my tears.

Julia grabbed a tissue from the box on the desk and handed it to me. I wiped my eyes with it.

"She´s ok, Heidi. She´s just very worried about you and shocked. She was relieved to hear that you´re here and safe. Your brothers were out looking for you when I called."

It was almost painful to hear that after everything I had done this afternoon, my family still cared where I had ended up. I was exhausted with emotion and I had a pain behind the eyes and in my head from all screaming and crying I had done.

"Are they very mad at me?" I whispered again, even though I knew the answer.

Julia paused for a moment and it looked as though she was trying to choose her words carefully.

"They´re not thrilled with your behavior and your outburst, no. But mainly they´re very concerned about your well-being and very troubled about what´s going on with you."

I knew Julia well enough to understand that her words were code for the fact that my family, Adam and Brian especially, were angrier at me now than they had ever been before. Considering that I had made them both infuriated at me a fair amount over the last half year, I only could imagine what they might do to me when they got their hands on me and I was suddenly thankful that it was Crane who had restrained me and removed me from the situation.

Julia´s voice pierced my thoughts. "I suggested to Hannah that perhaps you could stay here until tomorrow morning. Give you a chance to refresh and them a chance to cool off and collect themselves. We have a spare room you could stay in."

That sounded like a great plan to me: anything to delay being reunited with my family and having to deal with the situation. I nodded. "Thank you," I told her softly.

Julia looked at me directly. "Heidi, you know that you will need to use words to explain how you´re feeling tomorrow to whoever comes to get you."

I did know that but I wasn´t sure I could do it.

"Can´t you do it?" I pleaded.

Julia´s gaze still held mine. "No, Heidi. I can be here to help you but they need to hear directly from you."

I didn´t much like the sound of that but I was in no position to argue with the one ally I had left. Julia patted my shoulder.

"Why don´t you give me what you wrote and I´ll read it whilst you´re getting settled in? Come on, I´ll show you up to the spare room."

I got up to follow her and she led me up the carpeted stairs into a room which was beautifully decorated with a plush green carpet and a large, double four poster bed.

"The bathroom is just down the hall if you want to take a shower," she said and turned to leave the room. There was one thing bothering me about being there and in the spirit of speaking up for myself, I said, "Julia, are you going to get into any trouble with me being here? Ethically I mean, me being your patient and all and staying over."

Julia smiled softly. "No Heidi. It´s really sweet of you to be concerned, but I just have to keep a log of everything that happens in your file. I work with teenagers: believe me, this isn´t the first time one of my patients has turned up out of the blue."

I was glad that there at least someone I wasn´t causing trouble for and it gave me some sense of relief. When Julia left the room, I took off my shoes and socks and buried my feet in the carpet, feeling the plushness of it beneath my toes. I decided to take a shower and used the little sample bottles of shampoo, conditioner and body wash that Julia had left out for me reveling in the luxuriously thick towels she had given me to use. I thought distractedly if this was the kind of life you were able to afford from being a therapist, I wouldn´t mind being one when I was older.

After I had showered, I lay down under the covers. It felt so good to lie down and to rest finally and even though I was still terrified about the events to come in the morning and I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, I was able to sleep well. I only awoke for long enough to have supper with Julia and her husband in the evening and then I went back upstairs to bed and slept through the night.

I dreamt about my parents. When I´m awake, I find it hard to picture the way they moved or the way their voices sounded even though I´ve seen lots of pictures and heard stories. In my dreams, it was effortless. My dreams weren´t unpleasant but bizarre considering none of it was particularly accurate to my life: I was playing basketball at school and my parents were there watching me alongside Guthrie and Ford who were young kids, much younger than me in the dream.

Although I slept well, I awoke with a jolt early the next morning, even before the sun was rising. It took me a couple of minutes to get my bearings and then I felt almost like a punch in the stomach when I remembered why and how I had come to be there. It seemed so long ago now even though it had only been the previous day.

I lay in bed, just thinking and worrying and picturing scenarios in my head. I wondered who would come to Julia´s to pick me up. I hoped it would be Crane and Daniel, my two most understanding brothers. I was close to them both- Crane because both of us were good students and liked school and we connected on an intellectual level, and Daniel because he was highly sensitive and empathetic. It wasn´t that I wasn´t close to Evan and Ford: Evan was a good time- free spirited, full of energy and great fun but sometimes he didn´t know when enough was enough with me and to stop teasing. Ford was quieter, sweet even but we very different. I was also close to Guthrie but I knew that he was likely still angry at me for what I had said to Hannah. He was very protective of her, as were all my brothers and I knew that rather than destroying the table and launching items across the kitchen, my words to Hannah would be the thing at which my brothers were most upset about. Especially Adam.

When I thought about Adam, it´s not an exaggeration to say I felt physically sick. There was no way that Adam wouldn´t take his belt to me for what I had done. He hadn´t ever used it on me before, but after the last time he had finished with me in the barn for cutting school and joyriding on the junior´s motorcycle, he had held onto me by both arms and looking at me straight in the eyes, he had promised that if I got into any more trouble, he wouldn´t hesitate to take off his belt and tan my backside black and blue. I knew that this was extreme for Adam but I also knew that he kept his word so although I had been rude and snappish, I had kept out of major trouble since then. Until now.

My thoughts turned to Brian. Growing up, Brian was always the more fun parent. He had less patience than Adam when it came to fits or disrespect but he was also more likely to let us do things that Adam might think were irresponsible or dangerous. He was the one who would let us eat ice cream for dinner or try to ride horses side saddle or jump down from the upstairs balcony railings onto the couches below. He would climb trees with us or throw us around or have a water fight in the bathroom. We had been really close when I was younger because although he had a temper, he could be real gentle and loving as well as playful. He was unpredictable and could come down much harder than Adam in certain situations but he was much more likely to hug than Adam, to tickle, to wrestle playfully with the boys, to tease like a brother. Adam hated to be called dad, but essentially that´s what he was to all of us whilst Brian was a cross between a father and a brother. Not so much with me, but certainly with the boys, he had become less authoritarian as they got older and more like a friend.

I knew he was disappointed in me of late and in many ways, he was the one I was most nervous to see because I had aimed my words at him whilst smashing my way through the kitchen. His temper was unparalleled, even by Evan, and I just hoped that the night had been enough time for him to cool off enough not to want to disown me.

I also thought of my parents: I knew they would be disappointed in the way I had been acting and from hearing my brothers talk about their upbringing before my parents had died, I knew they wouldn´t have stood for my behavior. I wondered if I´d even be acting this way if they were alive. Maybe. I knew from friends at school that they had conflict with their parents too.

I thought how different my life would be if they were alive. I probably wouldn´t even know Adam, Brian and Crane, they would have been out of the house for so long, off leading their own lives. They may have been living abroad like some of their friends or have moved to the opposite sides of the country. I knew that Adam certainly had wanted to go to college. But they were still here, holding our family together and trying to create a good life for me and the rest of us. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt about my words and actions the previous evening. Up until now, I had only been thinking about the effects of my words on Hannah but having time to think and recalling Crane´s warning that ´words are weapons´, I realized my words would have hurt my brothers, especially the three oldest, deeply.

I was interrupted from my self-flagellating thoughts by a soft knock at the door, and became aware that it was now light outside. Julia popped her head round the frame.

"Heidi, are you awake? I made breakfast."

I felt sick inside and didn´t think I could stomach anything but Julia insisted.

"You´re anxious, which is understandable. But you´ll feel even worse if you don´t eat," she told me.

I dragged myself out of bed and got dressed, heading downstairs to the table. Julia´s husband was absent but she had made toast and eggs and there was also cereal.

"Tea or coffee?"

"Tea, please," I said quietly.

Julia poured me a cup of tea and then sat down at the table with me.

"I spoke to Adam about 30 minutes ago," she said to me evenly. "He and Hannah will be here in an hour. I suggested we all sit down and talk next door in the consultation room."

Hearing Julia mention that I would be seeing my family so soon killed the last sliver of my appetite and I had to choke down the toast with large sips of tea.

"Is Brian coming?" I asked nervously.

"Adam only mentioned that he and Hannah were coming, so I don´t know."

"I don´t know what I´m meant to say to them," I said, tearing up again.

Julia looked at me over the rim of her cup. "I suggest that you start off by apologizing for yesterday and go from there."

I nodded. "You read my entry then, you got my side?" I asked her, shamefully.

Julia nodded. "Probably not your finest hour, but nothing I haven´t heard of or seen before," she said matter of factly. I thought that being a therapist, she must have experienced a whole host of things and I was grateful that she wasn´t calling me out for my actions. She probably thought I would get enough of that later.

After breakfast, I went off to brush my teeth and then carted my backpack downstairs. Julia led us though a side door to the annex of her therapy practice and into the consultation room. There are many chairs in that room, big comfortable ones and a large couch. I sat on one end of the couch, curled up in a corner, sitting in the fetal position with my arms around my legs and my heart beating wildly. It felt like it would run straight out of my chest.

It wasn´t long after when the bell to the practice rang and I heard Julia opening the door. I heard the rumble of Adam´s deep voice and the higher pitch of Hannah´s and they stood outside for a moment, talking about something I couldn´t hear. I was so scared that I started to tremble in spite of myself and as my legs were still pulled up to my chest on the couch, I put my head down on top of my knees and hugged my legs, shutting my eyes. I heard the door to the consultation room open and I heard them enter the room but I couldn´t bring myself to look up.

There was a couple of moments of silence and then I felt hands on my calves and Hannah´s voice.

"Heidi. Heidi, honey, it´s Hannah. Can you look at me?"

I was still shaking with nerves and I felt like I might faint with how scared I was to see her and Adam, so I didn't feel like I could look at her yet.

Hannah´s hands moved to the sides of my hips and I could feel that she was crouched down in front of me. "Heidi, sweetie. Please look at me."

Hannah´s voice didn´t sound angry. I slowly lifted my head and she came into focus. She looked tired, but otherwise, her face was the same pretty, sweet face as always and her eyes were gentle.

I opened my mouth to say something and as I did, I could feel the tears rising. My voice broke as I spoke to her.

"Hannah, I´m… I´m so sorry. About everything. About what I did yesterday and about what I said to you; I didn´t mean it. I didn´t mean what I said about hating you and wishing my mom was there." Tears were springing out my eyes and rolling down my face and my nose had started running. An abject thought flitted across my head that crying really wasn´t very glamorous.

Hannah reached up slightly and tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear. Her voice was stronger now but it didn´t contain any malice or anger. "Yes you did. At that moment, when you said it, you did. And that´s ok. It´s not ok how you lashed out but it´s ok to feel the way you´re feeling. I understand. And I´m not angry."

Knowing that Hannah didn´t hate me was a huge relief and I cried even harder. Julia handed Hannah a tissue and she gave it to me.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I cried to her, through my tears.

"Because I love you Heidi. You might find that hard to believe, but I love you as I would love my own sister. And because the easy thing to do right now is to react with anger but it´s not going to help things or change things. We need to get to the bottom of how you feel today because you can´t keep doing this to us." Her voice was kind but firm and it contained strength.

Hannah got up from where she was crouched in front of me and sat next to me on the couch, wrapping both her arms around me. I unfolded and melted into her arms. She grabbed onto me tightly and I buried my face in her shoulder while she stroked my hair gently and said quietly over and over, "It´s going to be ok."

After a couple of minutes, she pulled back and gave me another tissue so I could mop myself up. She cupped my face with her hands and the said to me quietly, "You need to talk to your brother."

I was aware that Adam was in the room but I hadn´t looked at him yet because I was too afraid. I looked across the room and saw Adam sitting in a chair, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his legs and his hands in a prayer like position at this mouth. He was wearing jeans and a sweater, and I noticed that he wasn´t wearing his hat. He was watching us and the expression on his face was difficult to read. He didn´t look angry apart from the frown between his brow but he looked tired and his eyes looked pained.

I didn´t know what to say to him because "I´m sorry," sounded too trite. Hannah saw my hesitation and she took my hand.

"Come on," she said and pulling me up gently, she led me across the room to where Adam was sitting. He stood up when he saw what Hannah was doing and I stood in front of him, looking down at the floor. I felt so much smaller than I was actually was with Adam at full height. His expression could cut glass.

"This is the last time, Heidi. The last time you disrespect the family like that and the last time you take off from home and no one knows where you are. I can´t tell you the level of fear we feel when you do something like this. This has _got_ to be the last time. Do you hear me?" His voice was quiet but gravely stern.

I nodded, a fresh wave of tears leaking from my eyes and he continued in the same steely tone.

"Your behavior yesterday was absolutely unacceptable. Hollerin´ and throwin´ and breakin´ things. And then takin´off like that. Julia told me you hitchhiked here, so you put yourself in danger _yet again._ I won´t stand for it and you´ll face consequences for what you did."

"I´m sorry, Adam," I cried. I´m sorry for what I said to you and for what I did in the kitchen and for making you worry like that. I´m so ashamed. I´ll take whatever punishment you give me because I know I deserve it."

That for me was a long apology speech and I could tell that Adam recognized it. I had of course, said sorry when I was in trouble before but I hadn´t really meant it and I knew that Adam could tell now I was genuine.

He nodded and his face softened a little. He used one of his thumbs to gently wipe away the tears on my face. "We need to talk about caused your outburst because I can tell you´re hurtin´ bad."

I could feel another wave of panic rising and I looked around for Julia. She was sitting on of the chairs. Hannah was standing near to the mantelpiece watching Adam and me.

Julia cleared her throat. "Why don´t we sit down," she suggested.

Adam nodded and he took my hand and led us both to the couch where I had been sitting initially. Hannah took Adam´s original seat and Julia sat down across from us.

"Heidi, why don´t you tell Hannah and Adam what we´ve been talking about in our sessions lately," she prompted.

I looked at her. "I can´t," I whispered, not knowing how to find the words.

"Yes. You can. Start off with why Brian´s words upset you."

I took a breath and turned back to Adam. He was looking at me expectantly.

"I think… I think I lost it because Brian said…" I trailed off and Adam looked confused.

"Brian said what?" Adam prompted. "I don´t remember."

Hannah sat forward in her chair. "Adam, Brian asked Heidi what your parents would think about her behavior," she told him meaningfully.

Adam still looked confused. "So? I´m sure Brian and me have said that to you before."

I nodded. "Yes… you and Brian say it to me quite a lot actually, when you´re mad at me, or when I´ve done something wrong and it really, really bothers me," I told him through hitched sobs.

"Since when?" Adam demanded and Hannah said sharply to him, "Adam, just listen to her."

He was quiet and looked at me intently.

"For a while now… but I guess a lot ever since Lindy died. Remember, that girl in my class who committed suicide? Well, since she died, I haven´t…"

"You haven´t what?" Adam encouraged.

I looked down at my fingernails and then took a deep breath and said what I had been keeping in for so long.

"I haven´t stopped thinking about mom and dad and where they are. I think about them every waking minute of every day and I miss them, Adam. I know that sounds impossible because I don´t remember them and so I can´t miss something I don´t remember, but that´s just how I feel. I´m mad they´re not here and I wish they were here and I could know them. And when you or Brian use them against me, it feels so bad!"

As I was talking, I felt the familiar pain in my chest which radiated outwards rendering me immobile and I could feel rage rising.

"Where are they, Adam? Why aren´t they here? It´s not fair!" I shouted at him. The pain was too much, the worst I´ve ever felt and I threw myself into the side of the couch, away from Adam and buried my head into the couch´s arm, racking with sobs.

My body was in agony and I can only describe the feeling like being ripped in two. I screamed and howled into the side of the couch, beside myself with grief.

"Heidi, baby," I heard Adam say and then I felt myself being lifted up and found myself on Adam´s lap, his arms wrapping tightly around me. It had been a long time, perhaps a couple of years or more since I had sat with Adam like this. I grabbed onto his sweater and sobbed furiously into his chest, great heaving sobs that racked through my whole body. And when I thought that I was done, I would think again of the fact that I would never know my parents and I would start howling all over again. Adam´s arms remained tightly around me and he rocked me gently and ever so slightly from side and side whispering "It´s okay, honey," into my hair over and over again.

I don´t know how long we sat there. Time seemed to stand still. It could even have been up to an hour but eventually after wave upon wave of sobbing fits, I calmed down to the point where I was almost comatose on Adam´s lap and I felt like I could sleep for days. My head was pounding and felt stuffy from crying so hard. Adam pulled back slightly and looked down at me. The front of his sweater was soaking wet from my tears. He loosened his grip around me and held one of my arms and then pushed my hair back from face studying me.

"You´re a sight for sore eyes," he said with a small smile on his face. He reached over to the side table and grabbed some tissues handing them to me.

"Blow your nose," he said and I did a couple of times.

I looked around me feeling as though I were in a fog. Hannah and Julia were no longer in the room.

"Where´s Hannah? And Julia?" I asked him sleepily.

"They left the room a little while ago to give you some privacy," he told me.

"Oh."

Adam slipped me off his lap so I was sitting next to him and then he took my hand.

"You´re right, Heidi. It´s not fair that mom and dad aren´t here and I´m sorry that you never got to know them. They were great parents and I know they loved you very much," he said quietly.

I looked down at my hands again but Adam nudged my chin up with the crook of his index finger so I was looking at him. His face was real gentle and so was his voice.

"I´m an idiot not to have realized how you were feeling, Heidi. All the boys have gone through this and I guess I thought that because you didn´t remember them, you wouldn´t feel this way. But it was stupid of me and I´m sorry. I didn´t mean to use them against you and I know Brian didn´t either. It´s another mistake to add to my list as a parent."

"You´re a good parent, Adam," I told him softly. I had looked down again and was focusing on a point on his sweater. "I know I haven´t been very nice to you lately and I know I´ve been pushing boundaries. It´s going to stop."

I wasn´t looking at Adam but I could tell he was giving me a small smile from the tone of his voice.

Adam stood up and hauled me up with him.

"Don´t make promises you can´t keep, Heidi. You´re a teenager so you´re going to have your moments. I think we need to sit down and talk longer about this but we should get out of Julia´s hair and get on home."

At the mention of going home I felt unsettled again. I looked up at him in panic and grabbed onto his arm.

"I can´t go home, Adam. Everyone hates me for what I´ve done and what I said."

Adam pulled me down to sitting so we were eye level and when he spoke to me, his voice was fierce and the frown between his brow was back. Someone who didn´t know him might think he was angry but I could tell that he was just vehement about what he was saying.

"Listen to me, Heidi, and listen good. You can always, always come home. It doesn´t matter what you´ve done, how old you are, where in the world you are, you will always be able to come home. Nobody hates you and no one will ever hate you. You got that?"

"But Brian-"

"Brian is mad and he´s hurt but he loves you, Heidi, and he wants you home where you belong. You can clear it with him there."

I nodded and he said "Words, Heidi. Tell me you understand."

"Yes, Adam."

"Good."

He kissed my forehead and then he pulled me to my feet. We crossed the room but just as he was opening the door, I remembered something else I wanted to ask and I grabbed Adam´s arm, holding him back slightly.

"Adam… what are you going to do to me when we get home?" I asked him nervously.

He looked confused for a minute. "What do you mean?"

"What´s my punishment? Because the last time I got in major trouble, you said…" My face was heating up and Adam looked at me knowingly.

"Oh yes. I remember. Well Heidi, to tell you the truth, I have to think a little about this one but I can´t let your behavior go unchecked, so you _will_ face consequences. I just haven´t decided what to do yet."

I had to be content with that answer and so we walked together out of the consultation room and down the passage into the waiting room. Julia and Hannah were sitting on chairs, drinking coffee. Hannah´s eyes were red like she had been crying and when she saw us, she put down her mug on a side table and hugged me when I got to her.

"You ok?" she asked me whilst looking at Adam.

"Yes, Hannah," I said to her. "I´m sorry I upset you in there."

She shook her head. "It wasn´t you. It was just hard to see you in such pain," she said softly.

Adam cleared his throat. "We still have a lot to talk about but I think it´s time we got on home," Adam said to Hannah and Julia.

He and Julia began talking about scheduling my next session and both he and Hannah thanked her for what she had done.

"What do you say, Heidi?" Adam asked me and I almost rolled my eyes because he was treating me like a child who needed to be prompted but I managed to taper down my reaction and turned to Julia.

"Thank you, Julia. For taking me in and letting me spend the night and for helping me today."

Julia smiled kindly at me. "I´m proud of you, Heidi. You expressed yourself all on your own. You really didn´t need my help. Keep on being open and honest about your feelings and I´ll see you next week, ok?"

I grabbed my bag from where it was sitting the waiting room and followed Adam and Hannah out of Julia´s house into the truck. I sat in between Adam and Hannah and Hannah took my hand and just held it. As Adam started the truck, he turned to me.

"I need you to know that we´re not done talking about how you feel, Heidi. Or about how you got here or about the fact that you like to take off when things get tough. I need to know that you understand that before we go home."

"I understand, Adam."

He nodded in satisfaction and then Adam put the truck in gear and pulled out of Julia´s driveway. It was quiet on the ride home apart from the radio which was playing softly. Hannah put her arm around me and I rested my head on her shoulder, exhausted again from all the crying.

Half an hour later Adam pulled into our long driveway and the truck ambled up the dusty, uneven track. I knew that Adam would have more to say to me about last night but it had given me temporary relief that he at least knew how I felt.

As the house appeared into view I knew I was not looking forward to facing the rest of my family. Especially Brian.

 **Thanks to all who are reading and to those who faithfully review every chapter. It´s nice to know what people are thinking and that they´re reading.**


	17. Grief

**This is the penultimate chapter guys. Thanks for the reviews so far: they´re always welcome!**

When Adam pulled the truck up outside the house it was still only late morning. Both he and Hannah got out the truck but I just sat there, kind of frozen in my spot. I was terrified to go into the house as in my head, I was imagining a firing squad of people in the living room, waiting to lay into me. Their faces as Crane was hauling me up the stairs was seared into my mind. I was embarrassed to see the others but I knew they would forgive me eventually once I apologized. It was Brian I was most nervous to see.

Hannah motioned to Adam to go on inside the house and then she popped one leg back into the truck, reaching over to take my hand and tugging me slightly.

"Come on inside, Heidi."

"I´m really scared, Hannah," I said quietly to her.

Hannah nodded. "I understand, but you won´t have to face everyone all at once. Guthrie and Ford are at school and Brian took off in the jeep early this morning and it doesn´t look like he´s back yet."

I had forgotten that today was Monday and therefore a school day meaning I wouldn´t need to face Guthrie and Ford until late afternoon and the fact that Brian was also not in the house gave me some relief. As Hannah pulled me out the truck and then slammed the doors, I caught my reflection in the door´s window and got a shock. My face was swollen and flushed almost beyond recognition from all the crying I had been doing and my eyes were so puffy that they were almost sealed shut. I couldn´t ever remember a time when I had looked so terrible.

Hannah kept hold of my hand while we walked up into the house. She opened the screen door and then the front door and ushered me in in front of her. The house was quiet and there was no one in the living room. I could hear Adam talking quietly to someone although I couldn't make out exactly what they were saying but I identified the other voice as Crane.

I wanted just to run up to my room and avoid seeing anyone but I knew I would have to face the rest of my family eventually. Hannah nudged me and motioned in the direction of the voices so I walked slowly round to the kitchen and she followed me. In my mind´s eye, I had expected it to be in the state of disarray I had left it in the day before, but now it looked like it normally did and there was no sign of my frenzied rampage.

I hovered at the entrance to the kitchen near to the chair that Adam always sits at the head of the table. Both he and Crane stopped talking abruptly when they saw me and Crane´s eyes widened just a little when he took in my appearance. I didn´t really know what to say or how to act so I just stood there, chewing unconsciously at one of my fingernails.

Adam cleared his throat. "I´m going upstairs to change. Heidi, I think it would be a good idea if you went to your room and tried to sleep for a couple of hours. You must be exhausted." I knew that he was referring to the storms of tears I had cried that morning.

"Ok," I said softly.

He nodded and then left the kitchen the back way crossing through the laundry room to get to the living room and up the stairs. Hannah followed him, crossing back through the living room the way we had just come leaving me with Crane in the kitchen.

Sometimes I find Crane quite difficult to read as he doesn´t always give away what he´s thinking on his face. This time was no different and I couldn´t gauge how angry he was or if I should approach him. He took the decision out my hands and crossed to where I was standing. I wasn´t expecting it, but he pulled me into a tight hug, one arm around my middle and the other across my upper back. I hugged him back, wrapping my arms around his middle and we stood like that, not saying anything for a couple of minutes.

Crane pulled back and then looked down at me intently. He pulled out Adam´s chair and sat down on it, tugging me forward gently so I was standing in between his legs eye level with him. He reached out and ran the back of his hand up and down one of my cheeks.

"Tough morning, huh?"

"Yea."

"Adam told me what happened. Believe it or not, most of us have been there."

"I know."

He took my hands in his.

"I know it doesn´t seem like it now, but you´ll be ok," he said, using his thumbs to stroke the back of my hands.

"I know," I said again quietly and then looking down I said, "I´m sorry for what I did and what I said and for running away again and making you all worry."

Crane nodded. "It sure isn´t something to be proud of, but we could all see how much you´re hurtin´. I´m not mad at you, Heidi but you need to promise me something."

"What?"

Crane´s voice was kind but firm. "Promise me you won´t take off anymore when things get tough. It´s not fair to us. We all love you so much and it terrifies us when you do this."

First Adam and Hannah had said this to me and now Crane. It was really starting to sink in how much worry I had caused yesterday and over the past few months.

I lifted my gaze and tried to look Crane straight in the eye.

"I promise."

There was a short pause and then I said softly, "Thank you for yesterday… for stopping me and saving me from myself. I´m glad it was you that removed me."

Crane´s face broke out into an amused smile. "You mean rather than Adam or Brian?"

I nodded.

"Yea, well, someone has to be voice of calm here in a family full of bulls. Besides, I´m not sure you would still be in one piece if they had got their hands on you yesterday," he teased, poking me in the stomach.

I gave him a small smile. "No kidding."

Crane´s face returned to looking serious. "Heidi, I know that it´s hard to talk about. But if you do want to talk about your feelings, or anything about mom or dad, I´m here for you. Anytime of the day or night. Ok?"

The fact that Crane was being so nice to me after what I had done was making me emotional again and tears filled my eyes. He reached up and wiped them away.

"Hey, none of that now. Not to sound harsh, little one, but you look terrible. Go upstairs and have a nap like Adam said, hmm?

"Ok," I whispered and Crane stood up, releasing me from between his knees.

I turned to head up to my room but there was something I had to know and because Crane had been so kind to me, I felt a bit more comfortable asking.

"Crane, where´s Brian?"

"I don´t know, Heidi. He took off first thing this morning but he didn´t tell any of us where he was going. Just said he´ll be back later."

I shuffled on my feet a little, simultaneously wanting and not wanting to know the answer to my next question.

"How mad is he at me?"

"Nervous about seeing him, huh?"

I nodded, my heart rate quickening even just thinking about it.

Crane sighed. "He´s ok, Heidi. You know what Brian´s like- he blows and then he calms down. You´ll talk it out with him when you see him. He´s not going to murder you or anything." He smiled and then winked at me. "He might have last night, but not today."

I felt better that Crane had reassured me that Brian´s anger had cooled slightly and it meant that when I went up to my room and slipped under the blanket, I was able to sleep restfully for a few hours. No one woke me up for lunch and by the time I awoke later it was early afternoon.

I got up and looked in the mirror feeling relieved that my face looked slightly less swollen than earlier and the puffiness around my eyes had gone down meaning I could open them a little wider. I thought wryly to myself that it was highly likely I would be crying many more times before the day was out.

I hadn´t eaten since breakfast and headed downstairs to find something to eat. Hannah was in the kitchen and she smiled when she saw me.

"Hey, sweetie," she said, "Did you sleep well?"

I was still quite sleepy and so just nodded.

"If you´re hungry, I can make you a sandwich," she said. "A Hannah special if you´d like."

Hannah was renowned in our family for making really great sandwiches and Guthrie had christened them as ´Hannah specials´ soon after she had joined our family.

"Thanks, Hannah," I said and while she was making it, I crossed to one of the front windows in the living room and peered out from the netting. The jeep still wasn´t there and so I knew that Brian wasn´t back.

I sat down at the table to eat my sandwich and just as I was finishing, I heard a couple of voices at the back door heading to the kitchen via the laundry room and identified them as Daniel and Evan who were arguing good naturedly about a girl it seemed that Evan wanted to ask out.

"I´m telling you, the last time I saw her in town she was totally into me; she´ll definitely go out with me if I ask her."

"Dream on, little brother, Carly Stevens is way out of your league- don´t you know how many guys she turned down this year?"

"But not me."

"Yet!"

I shot Hannah a panicked look but she shook her head and mouthed to ´it´s ok´ to me.

They were still talking about said girl when they walked into the kitchen but both of them stopped talking abruptly when they saw me sitting there. Even though Crane had been really kind and forgiving to me I was embarrassed to see them both, just because I knew I had acted so badly.

They looked at me, then each other, then back at me and then they both pulled up a chair on either side of me so I was flanked.

"Hey, little sister," Evan said to me and Daniel echoed him.

Evan reaching out to tickle my neck a little. "You recovered your sanity?"

I was feeling sensitive and blushed a little at the outright mention of my outburst the previous night. I gave him a sheepish smile.

"A little."

Daniel grabbed my hand. "You ok?" he asked me gently.

I nodded. "Getting there," and he gave me a soft understanding smile and kept hold of my hand.

"You sure went crazy yesterday," Evan said to me, grabbing the leftover crusts from my sandwich had left on my plate.

I saw Hannah roll her eyes. "Evan, you don´t need to pick at other people´s plates. If you want a sandwich I can make you one."

Evan´s eyes lit up and Hannah laughed and got up to make his sandwich.

Daniel looked at me seriously. "You worried us all somethin´ fierce," he said.

I looked into his face and saw in his eyes that he really meant it.

"I know, Daniel. I won´t do it again."

From the way that Daniel and Evan had just reacted to me I knew that I could get away with not apologizing for my actions the previous day; I didn´t answer to them in the same way I did to my oldest brothers and Hannah, but I didn´t want them think I had meant what I said the night before. I found it hard to look at them and looked down at the table, using one of my fingers to trace an invisible pattern on the wood.

"I´m sorry for what I did yesterday and for what I said to all of you. I don´t hate you at all."

Evan laughed slightly. "Relax, Heidi. All of us know you didn´t mean it. It´s not so cool but it´s just something people say when they´re mad. Smashing up the kitchen on the other hand- well I would say that´s up there with the most legendary McFadden temper moments, right alongside that time when Daniel here pulled Brian out of bed one night and socked him over a girl."

Daniel rolled his eyes, "Oh really, little brother? What about that time when you were 13 and Adam and Brian wouldn´t let you go and see the rodeo championships on your own so you ran upstairs and threw all their shirts out the window in a fit of rage?"

Hannah looked at Evan in horror from where she was standing. "Evan McFadden, you did not do that!" she said in disbelief and Daniel laughed.

"Yea. He did. You should have seen how mad Adam and Brian were!" Daniel told her.

Hannah gave a wry smile. "I can imagine."

I gave thought to what they were saying. I remembered Daniel´s outburst and how he had fallen in love with a girl called Tally Dean who was older. Brian had just been trying to protect Daniel from getting hurt and warned her off but it had backfired and Daniel hadn´t taken it so well. I didn´t remember the incident with Evan but I would only have been around 8 at the time so maybe I didn´t remember because I was too young or maybe I wasn´t in the house at the time. Their stories however reminded me that I wasn´t the only one in this family to act out and it made me feel better about myself and my actions.

Hannah set Evan´s plate down in front of him and he attacked it with gusto and started talking to her about what he and the others were doing that day on the ranch and Daniel said quietly to me in my ear, "Come on outside, kiddo. I want to talk to you."

I followed Daniel out to the front porch and then down the steps into the front yard. We walked in silence for a few minutes, Daniel leading me down past the barn and away from the house towards one of the pastures and towards the shady coverings of trees. Under one of the trees there was a small bench that I knew that Brian had made years ago. This was Daniel´s spot where he would often come to write music or just be alone when he was younger.

We sat down on the bench side by side and then Daniel turned his body so he could face me. He picked up a twig from the ground and started twirling it around absentmindedly. He looked like he was searching for the right words.

"Adam told us, me and Evan, when we saw him earlier about what´s going on with you. About mom and dad and how you´re feeling. Not that we weren´t going to, but he told us to go easy on you."

His words surprised me a little, that Adam would speak up for me over this and I began to hope that Adam would also decide to go easy when it came to my punishment but then I wondered if because he was planning to come down hard, he felt it would be too much for others to as well and I felt a bit discouraged again.

When I didn´t say anything to Daniel, he side-eyed me and then continued.

"I know the kind of pain you´re feeling, Heidi. It´s the worst feeling in the world."

Hearing Daniel validate what I was feeling brought up fresh waves of tears but I hadn´t brought a tissue with me and so I had to use my sleeve to mop myself up.

My voice was hitched when I spoke to him. "Sometimes it feels like I´ll die from the pain. Like it´s ripping me open."

Daniel nodded, still twirling the twig between the thumb and index finger of one hand. "I know. And I´m sorry you´re feelin´ it. I think all of us have."

"Does it get better, Daniel?" I asked him, not really wanting to hear the answer in case he would tell me that it didn´t.

Daniel paused for a moment and then he dropped the twig on the ground and dusted his hand on his jeans.

"It does… but it takes a long time and I´m going to real honest with you. The hurt never really goes away, it just becomes less breathtaking. It´s never going to be okay that they´re gone, Heidi but it´s something you just learn to accept. It sounds impossible but all of us have done it."

My tears were becoming dangerously out of control and I could feel myself getting angry again. "I don´t want to accept it," I shouted. "Some days I think I can´t go feeling this pain." I wasn´t shouting at him but just in general and he knew it. He took both my hands in his and turned so he was facing me head on.

"I know. But you´ll have to. Because that´s just the way it is. There´s no changing it. It´ll work through you and then one day you´ll be able to think of them and it won´t hurt so much anymore. You´ll realize it´s not a burn in your chest but an ache. And then less of an ache and more of just a hurt that´s there but you can live with."

I listened to what Daniel was telling me and then said out loud the most painful thing of all.

"I don´t have any memories of them, Daniel. All of the rest of you do, well, apart from Guthrie. I don´t know what their voices sounded like or how they walked or what a hug from them felt like."

As I was talking I was becoming slightly hysterical and Daniel put both arms around me and hugged me to him, not saying anything. I cried again into his chest, an unwelcome thought in the back of my mind that this would not be doing any favors to my already swollen face and wondering how it was that my body was able to produce even more tears.

After a couple of minutes Daniel pulled away slightly and then he said to me, "I know you don´t have any memories and in some ways it´s harder on you and Guthrie than it is on the rest of us. I can´t change that for you: none of us can. All we can do is to share our memories with you. It´s just something else that you´ll need to learn to accept."

Hearing Daniel admit that not he or really any of the rest of my family could fix this for me was strange because up until now, there hadn´t really been anything that one or another of them couldn´t fix for me. It was almost as painful as the grief itself.

Daniel pushed my hair back a little out of eyes and my face. "All of us are here for you, Heidi. You and Guthrie both. They´ll be more days like this and some days when all you want to do is crawl under the covers and not get up again but that´s when you need to let us be there for you."

"I´m not as strong as you, Daniel," I cried, "I don´t think I can do it."

Daniel put both of his hands around my face so that he was cupping it and he looked at me head on. "You´re a McFadden, just as strong as any of us, maybe even stronger. I remember not long after mom and dad died and sitting out here sobbing to Brian and saying the same thing to him that you said to me now. Brian must have been grieving himself but he just sat with me and hugged me and then he said the same thing to me that I´m going to say to you now: when you feel like you can´t go on, you imagine mom or dad or Adam or Brian or me or any of us putting out a hand and pulling you up from the ground. It sounds stupid but it works because it reminds you you´re not alone. Mom and dad are gone but the rest of us are still here and it doesn´t matter how many tables you overturn, how many plates you break, how many times you lose your head with us: we´ll still be here, pulling you up."

Daniel´s words were powerful and although they made me feel better, I couldn´t stop the tears from coming. He pulled me back into him and just held me while I cried and cried into his chest again and when I was done he used the bandana which had been around his neck to wipe my face. My face felt tight from all the crying I had been doing and my eyes were almost swollen shut again.

Daniel took my hand, just like he had done when I was a little girl and walked me back to the house and delivered me to Hannah who took one look at me and made me sit on the couch whilst she sponged my face gently with a cold compress. There was no one else around and she made me lie down on the couch and put a blanket over me while she stroked my hair. Once again, I had exhausted myself with emotion and I slept the rest of the afternoon, vaguely aware at some point of Adam and Crane walking into the house and feeling Adam´s hand on my forehead before I fell back asleep.

At some point in the afternoon, I came to for a couple of minutes when Ford and Guthrie came home from school but Hannah shushed them and although I wanted to speak to both of them and clear things, I was still too sleepy and fell back to sleep.

When I awoke next, the house was a hive of activity with everyone washing up or getting ready for supper. I went upstairs to use the bathroom and then walked to my bedroom to brush my hair. I was running the brush through my hair when I heard a soft knock at the door and then Guthrie popped his head round.

"Hey. Can I come in?"

"Yea, sure."

Guthrie walked tentatively into the room and sat down on my bed, watching me brush my hair. He looked sort of pale and out of sorts.

"You ok?" he asked me.

"Yea. Do I look terrible?"

"Yea, you kinda do," he replied with typical Guthrie honestly.

There was a short pause and then Guthrie said quietly to me, so quietly I almost missed it, "I think about them too sometimes."

Because Guthrie and I are twins, we´ve always understood one another. We don´t need words really- he can just say something and I know how he´s feeling and vice versa. Him telling me that was his way of telling me he was with me and I recognized it for what it was- a peace offering. When Guthrie and I were little, we used to hold hands when we were in trouble or when we were sad or scared. We hadn´t done it in years but now, Guthrie took my hand in his, pulling me down the stairs, holding my hand all the way to the kitchen.

I was shy sitting down to supper, worried that being there would remind everyone of the night before but everyone just let me be apart from Adam who I felt was watching me like a hawk. I wondered again where Brian was but I didn´t want to ask in front of everyone at the table. I hadn´t yet spoken properly to Ford but from the sympathetic glances he was giving me at dinner, I knew that it wouldn´t be too difficult to clear the air with him when I had a chance and we were on our own.

After supper Crane and Daniel started playing music. It was rare these days for Daniel to be home in the evenings and if he was home for supper, he would most likely leave straight after so because it didn´t happen too often anymore, we all sat down in the living room to hear them play. Ford and Guthrie started to play a game of checkers and Evan and Hannah were engaged in a discussion about what Evan would need for an upcoming rodeo competition.

I was sat next to Adam on the couch and he put his arm around me, something which I haven´t really allowed over the past few months, what with wanting to push everyone away. He pulled me closer to him and then spoke quietly to me, so that only really I could hear.

"I want to keep you off school tomorrow so we have a chance to talk about how you feel. How does that sound?"

I knew Adam well enough to know that although he was phrasing it as a question, what he really meant was I _**am**_ keeping you off school tomorrow and you _**will**_ talk about you feel. That´s normally something which I find really irritating but remembering Julia´s words that I had to be open and honest, I knew I would have to talk to him and so I just replied quietly.

"Okay, Adam."

He continued. "We also need to talk about the punishment for your actions."

I felt my anxiety starting to rise. I didn´t want to talk to him about it in front of everyone and quickly scanned around me to check who was listening but everyone was engaged in conversation or listening to Crane and Daniel play to hear what we were talking about.

I turned my body slightly to face Adam´s and looked up at him in trepidation.

"Please don´t use your belt on me, Adam. I know my actions were out of line and taking off was wrong, and I know I endangered my safety again by hitchhiking but I swear to you, I´ll never ever do it again."

I held my breath waiting for his reply. Deep down I knew that Adam was never swayed by pleas or apologies of any kind when it came to doling out correction and so if he had already decided to strap me then he wouldn't be wavered, but I felt it was still worth a try. He put his hand on the top of my head and smoothed back my hair a little.

"I´m not going to use my belt on you Heidi. In fact, I´m not going to spank you at all."

I looked at him in surprise. "At all?" I echoed.

"No. I promised you last time that I would use my belt if you went out your way to get into major trouble again but I think this time is different. I´m also to blame for this one and Brian too, so I don´t think it´s an appropriate punishment this time."

"What about Brian?" I asked. Dramatically and irrationally I was starting to wonder if I would ever see him again.

"Brian wouldn´t do that without talking to me first," Adam told me assuredly. "I doubt he´s got the heart for it either this time."

I could feel the tears of relief welling up again and I leaned forward to hug him.

"Thank you, Adam," I whispered into his neck and he patted my back and then pulled back slightly.

"We´ll talk about consequences tomorrow but I do want to say that my threat still stands for the future. Consider this your first and last get out of jail free card ok?"

I nodded and then Hannah interrupted us by asking Adam something. Soon after, Adam sent me up to bed and I decided to take a shower and wash my hair before I went to sleep. I didn´t want to go to sleep with wet hair so I sat down at my dresser to blow-dry my hair with my back to the door. The roar of the dryer meant that I didn´t hear anyone come up the stairs and I had just finished and got up to put the hairdryer away in my dresser drawer when the sound of a voice startled me.

"Hey."

I spun around quickly to see Brian standing, leaning against the frame of my bedroom door.


	18. Adam and Brian

When I saw Brian standing, leaning against the frame of my door, my heart almost burst out of my chest. I had been nervously anticipating him coming home all day, but since I was headed to bed, I had figured that I would see him tomorrow, thus giving me more time to prepare what I was going to say to him. Now he had materialized without any warning and I didn´t quite know how to react. Everyone had been so kind and forgiving to me but I figured Brian was a different story because it was in reaction to his words that I had lost my mind.

I stood frozen in my spot, staring at him, my heart beating wildly. I opened and shut my mouth a couple times trying to find the right words, knowing in the back of my mind that I must look like a floundering fish out of water. Brian´s face was serious and his arms were crossed as though he meant business.

"Hi, Brian," I managed to squeak out.

"Mind if I come in?" he said, and without waiting for an answer he uncrossed his arms and walked further into my room, coming to stand in front of me. He put one hand on each of my shoulders and said sternly, "Look at me, Heidi."

I looked up at him, trying to measure his mood. He didn´t look particularly angry, but there were also no signs of the gentleness that Crane or Daniel or even Evan had shown me earlier in the day.

I opened my mouth to say something, to rush out an apology but Brian interrupted me before I had even started.

"Hush now, Heidi. I think you´ve said quite enough to me in the past couple of days."

I knew he was referring to my words the previous day and I felt my face heat up. Brian continued, still looking down at me. I felt uncomfortable meeting his direct gaze but I tried hard not to drop my eyes because I knew he would demand that I met his gaze again.

"I´m not going to say a whole lot to you about yesterday. I know that you know your behavior in the kitchen and afterwards was wrong, and I know you´re sorry for it."

"I am sorry, Brian. Real sorry," I said to him softly.

Brian nodded his head and squeezed my shoulders slightly.

"Adam told me, and I can see by how you look that you´re going through a rough time, and I´m sorry for that. It hurts me to see you like this. We´re going easy on you this time because of how you´re feeling but if you ever, _ever_ do something like that again, you´ll feel the weight of my hand or worse across your backside before you can catch your breath. Are we clear?"

I swallowed nervously. "Yes, Brian. Very clear," I said, my voice cracking slightly with rising tears.

Brian let go of my shoulders and turned me towards the direction of my bed, pushing me gently.

"Time for bed," he said but I turned around to face him.

"I haven´t brushed my teeth yet," I told him.

"Go on then. I´ll wait for you."

I made my way to the bathroom and brushed my teeth quickly, heading back to my room afterwards. Brian was sitting on the edge of my bed. I climbed into bed and Brian moved off the edge so I could pull the covers over me and then sat back down.

"Are you going straight to sleep or do you want to read a while?"

I was exhausted but I knew that just being told off by Brian would mean that I would need to read to calm down a little before I could sleep.

"I think I´ll read."

"Okay." Brian paused for a minute and then he said. "I know you´re not going to be in school tomorrow but I want you up, dressed and ready to leave the house by the time Ford and Guthrie leave for school."

I looked at him, confused. "Okay... where are we going?"

"You´ll find out in the morning." He stood up from my bed. "Don´t stay up too late reading," he warned.

"I won´t."

Brian made as if to leave my room but then hesitated and turned back.

"I´m glad that you´re safe and home, Heidi. I love you very much, always, at all times, no matter what you do- you know that, right?"

Despite how intimidated I was by Brian sometimes, I did know that and because of how vulnerable I was feeling, it was especially warming to hear.

"I know, Brian. Me too. I mean, I love you too."

Brian nodded once and then walked back over to me. He leaned over gave me a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"Sleep well," he said, and then walked out my room, shutting the door gently behind him.

I read for a while which helped to soothe by frenzied thoughts, and then when the words on the page started to blur and dance in front of me, I lay down my book and turned off my bedside lamp. Although I was very tired, thoughts were jumping through my head; it was as though I couldn´t turn off my mind. I thought about the previous night at Julia´s, which now seemed light-years away and how scared I had been to be reunited with my family. I couldn´t have imagined how kind and understanding they had been to me, even Brian who had been stern but had softened towards the end of his lecture. Thinking about it, I shouldn´t really have been surprised: I couldn´t ever remember a time when my family had not been there for me, or for each other. I wondered where Brian was going to take me in the morning and thought perhaps he was going to take me out to lecture me further in private.

It sounds stupid but as a small child, I had never really thought about the dynamic of my family because I had never known any different. I saw my friends´ families with a mother and father and perhaps a couple of siblings, but I had never really given thought to the fact that my brothers who looked after me were very young and often must have been scared and unsure of themselves too although not once in my memory did I ever remember them coming across like that. They had always seemed strong and capable and in charge. But now that I was only a couple of years off the age that Brian had been when my parents had died, and four years away from the age that Adam had been, I realized what a truly remarkable thing they had managed to do. The pain I felt inside was so raw and so all consuming- it was impossible that Adam and Brian had not felt it too but they had managed to keep us all together and raise us all with love and compassion and kindness.

My friends at school popped into my mind: especially Vanessa and Mia who I knew fought wildly with their parents. Mia´s parents were divorced and argued viciously with each other, tearing her and her younger brother apart with their words to the point where Mia hated to be at both her mom and dad´s houses. Vanessa´s mother and father didn´t seem all that interested in anything she did; Vanessa barely saw them- she was able to come and go as she pleased without answering to anyone- something I had been hugely envious of the past few months. Guthrie´s friend, Michael, was terrified of his father who would explode at him in rage for any minor infraction. Yes, I was scared of Adam and Brian when I did something wrong, but it was because I knew I would to face sometimes harsh but measured consequences, not because I was scared that they would give me a black eye or toss me out onto the street in order to teach me a lesson. I may not have had a conventional mother or father growing up, but I had a much more secure and loving home life than many of my peers at school and perhaps for the first time, I realized this and felt truly grateful.

I did however know that I did feel trapped on the ranch and by living in a small town and I ached to experience something more. In my heart of hearts, I knew that I wanted to go to college and that I didn´t want ranching to feature in my future. This made me think about Adam, especially. Brian loved the ranch life but I knew from Crane and also a little from Hannah that Adam had wanted to go to college and become a doctor. If my parents had not died, he almost certainly would be one now, yet his life had been set out for him the moment my parents´ car was overturned by the drunk driver. In all my years of growing up, I had never ever heard Adam complain about having to look after us. Not once. But I wondered how frustrated he must have felt, to have all his hopes and dreams ripped away from him in the space of a few short minutes and my heart ached for him.

My thoughts swirled round and round but eventually I succumbed to sleep, waking up in the morning when I heard Brian hollering and banging on Ford and Evan´s door ordering them to get up. I was still desperately tired, but since Brian had told me that I had to be alive and kicking at the regular time, I dragged myself out of bed, thinking it perhaps not the best idea to disobey him so soon after I had just been in trouble. Looking in the mirror I could see that although I looked less haggard than yesterday, my eyes were still quite puffy punctuated with large, dark circles underneath them.

I was dragging but I managed to pull on some clothes and sweep my hair back with a hairband out of my face before I trudged downstairs to do my morning chores. Neither Adam or Hannah seemed surprised to see me up at a normal time and I sat down at the breakfast table to eat with everybody. I was feeling nauseated from lack of sleep and also, probably a little because of stress as well but at Adam´s insistence, I managed to choke down a pancake, a glass of milk and a banana.

I went to upstairs to brush my teeth after breakfast and ran into Ford in the hallway. I hadn´t yet had a private conversation with him about the events of the day before last and I didn´t have much energy to either. Ford seemed to sense it and just reached out to rub my arm lightly.

"You ok?" he asked concernedly.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Just a bit tired is all."

"You´re lookin´ kind of pale," he said to me, searching my face intently.

"Just lack of sleep, Ford. I´ll be ok."

Ford nodded. "Alright. Have a good day, ya hear?" and then he yelled at Guthrie to hurry up otherwise both of them would be late. It wasn´t a particularly intimate interaction but I knew from the way he had responded to me that we were square with each other and I was grateful not to have to explain to yet another person how I was feeling.

When both of them left, I went in search of Brian to let him know that I was ready to go. I found him still sitting at the table in the kitchen, finishing a cup of coffee. Evan, Daniel and Crane had disappeared somewhere and Adam was leaning against the kitchen sink with his arms around Hannah and their heads were close, discussing something.

"I´m just gonna finish my coffee," Brian said and Adam, from where he was standing at the sink with Hannah, called me over.

He and Hannah disengaged and she began to clear away the breakfast plates. Adam looked down at me worriedly.

"You´re awfully pale, you feeling ok?" He put one hand on my forehead, "You´re feelin´ kinda hot."

In truth, I didn´t feel great. My throat had started to hurt and I had a bit of a headache but I didn´t want to worry him further so I just said, "I´m ok, Adam, there´s no need to fuss."

Adam smiled a little. "Why break the habit of a lifetime?"

Brian put down his cup and signaled to me. "It´s warm out but it´s still early, grab your jacket. I´ll meet you in the jeep."

"Where we going, Bri?" I asked him again but he sort of ignored me and disappeared to the laundry room.

Adam put a hand on the back of my neck. "I´ll see you later, ok? And then we´ll talk."

"Do you know where Brian´s taking me?" I asked him and I could see from his face that he did but he hesitated in his reply.

"Patience, Heidi. You´ll see when you get there."

I sighed and walked to the front door, grabbing my jacket from the hook at the front door. I went and sat in the front passenger´s seat of jeep. The seat was in a sun spot and I turned my face up to it, feeling the early morning heat of it warming my face. It didn´t take long for Brian to join me in the jeep. He was wearing his cowboy hat and as he climbed into the jeep, he plonked a cap on my head saying, "It´s going to get hot out later."

Brian started the jeep and we ambled down our long driveway, pulling out onto the road which I had walked along a couple of days ago in the hope of finding someone to take me to Sonora. Brian and I didn´t talk at all but it wasn´t a tense or awkward silence. I was lost in thought and he appeared to be as well.

It only took about 20 minutes and when Brian turned off into a side road, I started to understand where he was taking me: Buena Vista Cemetery, where my parents were buried. I had been here not lots of times but certainly a few times before, although not for a while- perhaps it had even been a couple of years, before Hannah and Adam married. I felt my stomach tighten and looked at Brian, panicked, but he seemed to sense my anxiety and said to me, "Don´t worry, Heidi. I´ve got you."

We drove up through the gates of the cemetery which were flanked with two large pillars made of different colors of stone. Large trees lined the road, their branches shading the road from the sun´s direct glare but allowing in small chinks of light. It was beautiful and peaceful.

Brian drove up the road a little further and then pulled into one side stopping the car. The times before, I hadn´t really felt anything coming here but I had watched my older brothers´ various reactions ranging from tears to introverted silence. Now though, I was feeling large waves of anxiety wash over me making me feel lightheaded and even a little faint, perhaps because I was in a different space in terms of what I was feeling about my parents than last time. Brian got out the jeep and walked around to my side.

"Come, Heidi," he said motioning for me to get out the car but it was as though my legs wouldn´t obey.

"I don´t think I can."

Brian reached out his hand. "I´ve got you, baby," he said gently.

I took his hand and let him pull me out the jeep leaving my cap in the car. He kept hold of my hand and held it tightly, just like he used to do when I was little kid and we were out somewhere and he didn´t want to lose me. The headstones were arranged alphabetically and Brian led me along the narrow paths past various headstones to where our parents were buried. He stopped in front of them and we stood there in silence for a moment, his hand still grasping mine tightly. Their headstones were engraved with their names and their dates of birth and death. I felt another wave of sadness rise up from my belly and my eyes teared up again.

My parents' headstones were made of granite but what surprised me was how beautifully well kept their headstones were in comparison to other people´s. There were small gravelly stones in front of their headstones and blooms of tulips, lavender and daffodils lay at the foot of their graves. I looked up at Brian whilst brushing my tears away with my sleeve.

"Brian, where did all these flowers come from? It´s so beautiful!"

Brian didn´t answer me, but he pulled me down so that we were both sitting by their headstones. I sat with my legs crossed and Brian sat with his legs stretched out slightly in front of him, looking out in front of him.

"I guess you were wondering where I was the whole of yesterday?" he asked me.

"A little."

"I drove around a bit, kinda aimlessly; then I went to the florist in Angels Camp and then came here."

I looked at Brian´s profile which was set like it normally is when he gets angry or upset, but this time, he just looked pensive and there was a pained look in his eye.

"How come?" I asked him, softly.

Brian took a couple of seconds to answer. "I just came here to think. To figure some stuff out." He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "Truth be told, I come here a lot. I came more at the beginning… when mom and dad first died… but I still come a lot. Adam comes here too a bit."

I looked at Brian in surprise. This was something that I hadn´t known at all about either of them. He picked up a handful of the small stones in front of us and started letting them pour through his fingers repeating the action over and over again distractedly and then he continuing.

"It makes me feel close to them. Makes me feel like I have some place I can go and visit them."

He gave me a wry smile. "Sometimes I talk to them. Sometimes I even cry."

This was something new to me. I had seen Brian become teary before but I had never seen him nor Adam out and out cry.

"You cry? Cry like I cry?" I asked him, a little amazed.

"Sure, Heidi. I cry like you cry. Not often but it´s not as rare as you think."

Brian let go of another handful of stones and turned so he was looking at me now. Then he spoke again softly.

"When mom and dad first died, me and Adam, we didn´t really know what the hell we were doing. We were so young, just kids. And then all of a sudden we were lookin´ after all of you. It was a lot, really overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes things would come up, things we didn´t know how to handle, or some days we were bone tired from caring for all of you and running the ranch or for me, being in school. Coming here was a place I could think in peace; sometimes I´d even ask mom and dad what to do."

Hearing the hurt in Brian´s voice made my own tears fall and I didn´t even bother to brush them away this time.

"I can´t imagine how hard it was for you guys," I said, my voice cracking a little. When Brian answered his voice was back to its usual abruptness.

"Yea, well, we got through it. Look, I´m not telling you this so you can think we´re heroes or somethin´; let me finish what I want to say," and when I kept quiet, he continued,

"Yesterday I came here because I needed to think. I thought a lot about your outburst in the kitchen, about how mad you got and about how upset you were. I realize that because Adam and me were thrown into this whole parenting thing, we´ve used mom and dad as a parenting crutch cause at the beginning, we didn´t know what else to do. I guess we thought we were keeping them alive by doing it. But seeing you get so mad, it made me realize we´ve been really unfair to you- well to you and Guthrie both. You never really knew them and so it was unfair of us to use them as a stick against you. Not that it excuses what you did, mind, and Adam will lay out your punishment later on." He paused for a couple of seconds. "But I want you to know I´m real sorry, Heidi. I know Adam is as well."

I took a deep breath. Brian was not prone to making long, elaborate or heartfelt speeches and he also didn´t make apologies either. Not to me anyway, so this felt like a momentous occasion and I wanted to accept his apology graciously.

"It´s ok, Bri… I mean, I should have told you earlier how I was feeling."

Brian nodded. "You should have. Why didn´t you?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I dunno. I didn´t really know how to tell you and then Lindy died and I started thinking a lot about mom and dad and feeling all these things… but I felt ashamed I guess…coz I feel like I´ve got no right to miss them. I didn´t even know them, not like you knew them…" I trailed off, not really knowing how to explain myself.

Brian raised an eyebrow, and he looked a little irritated.

"No right? To miss your own parents? That´s damn foolish, Heidi."

I shrugged my shoulders again even though I knew it´s something that Brian finds maddening. He grabbed my arm and shook me a little.

"You got just as much right as any of us. Maybe even more since you missed out completely. Honest to God, Heidi, I don´t know how you get these crazy thoughts in your head."

"It was dumb, I guess," I told him.

"I´ll say."

I could feel Brian´s irritation with me and we looked at each other for a moment. Then he sighed and moved so that he was sitting a bit closer to me. He put his arm around me and pulled me to him so that we were sitting closely side by side facing our parents´ headstones.

"Good lord, girl, what are we going to do with you, hmm?" but I could sense from the tone of his voice and the way that he was holding me to him that he wasn´t actually mad at me.

"I´m sorry for worrying you all, when I took off…" I told him because I sensed that that was the thing he was most upset about.

Brian nudged me slightly with his side, "Yea. Well I´ve told you what will happen if you do that again," he said sternly but then his voice softened. "But seriously, kiddo, you need to tell us if somethin´s botherin´ you in the future. Specially somethin´ like this. We´re your family, Heidi, we´re all each other´s got left. You gotta trust us and let us help you."

"I know, Brian. I will. Next time. If something comes up, I swear to you that I´ll try to use words to tell you."

Brian nodded in satisfaction. "Ok, then." He gestured to the headstones in front of us.

"I like comin´ here. Course, I wish I didn´t have to, but there´s somethin´ real peaceful about this place. Maybe it won´t be right for you but maybe you´ll feel close to mom and dad here and it will help you. I know you can´t drive yet but if you feel like you want to come here, anytime, you just say the word, and one of us will bring you, ok?"

"Ok, Brian. Thanks," I said softly and then I was quiet for a moment while I processed what he was saying to me. Brian seemed to understand that I needed some time to think and so he didn´t say anymore. I looked at my parents´ headstones in front of me and felt the familiar feelings of sadness fill me. I knew that never knowing them was something that I would have to learn to deal with but it was too raw just now to accept. Looking at my parents´ names which were engraved on their headstones I wondered where they were, if they did exist in heaven or on another spiritual plain and if they were looking down on us at that moment.

The thought incited my tears again and I started to cry, not the kind of crying that I had done the day before, but more than just weeping. Brian just kept his arm around me tightly and let me cry.

When I eventually stopped, I used one of my sleeves to wipe my face and my nose and Brian said to me dryly, "Maybe you should carry a box of tissues around with you wherever you go at the moment," which made me laugh a little.

"Want to stay longer, or you ready to go home?" he asked me and I told him I was ready to go home. Brian guided us back to the car and we rode home in relative silence. I was feeling really unwell; my head was pounding and my body was starting to feel shivery even though it was starting to get really hot out and I still had my jacket on. When Brian parked the jeep at the house I said quickly to him before he could get out.

"Brian?"

"Yea?"

"Thanks for taking me today. I really appreciate it… and I want you to know something."

"What´s that?"

"Even though I wish mom and dad were alive, I want you to know that you and Adam have been great parents to me, to all of us. And I´m not just saying it. I really mean it."

I did mean it and I saw from the look on Brian´s face that he could tell that I meant it. He swallowed and nodded at me and then he stepped out the car.

"Come on, time to go inside."

Brian and I went into the house together and then he disappeared telling me he was going to find Adam and let him know we were back. I told Hannah that I wasn´t feeling too well and she gave me two Tylenol with a glass of water and a couple of crackers to line my stomach before sending me up to my room to have a rest. The morning with Brian had really taken it out of me again and now with feeling so unwell, I was sick of feeling so under the weather. It seemed to me that I hadn´t felt truly healthy in a really long time.

I slept for a couple of hours again and then woke up and headed downstairs. The Tylenol had helped my headache and taken away the aching feeling in my muscles but I was still feeling really draggy, like I could sleep for days on end. No one was around, not even Hannah and so I made myself a sandwich and sat down to watch the TV settling for an episode of Knight Rider mainly so I could admire David Hasselhoff who I thought was cute. I was enjoying the chance to watch what I wanted, which didn´t happen often with only a couple of TVs in the house and so many people, and I was getting really into the episode when I heard someone come into the house through the back door and then Adam materialized from the kitchen.

He was wearing his work clothes but they weren´t particularly dirty or anything and he sat down next to me on the couch.

"What you watching?" he asked me.

"Knight Rider."

"I see. Any good?"

"Yea."

My answers were short because although I knew it was bratty, I really wanted to finish watching the episode but Adam wasn´t having any of it because he said to me, "Okay, well turn it off, I want to talk to you."

I knew that now was not the time to argue with him and so although I really didn´t want to, I obeyed him, turning it off immediately and then I thought that if this had been last week, I would have argued with him and got myself into trouble for defiance. My immediate acquiescence was not lost on Adam; he raised one his eyebrows slightly and said, "Minding me first time I ask, huh? Who are you and what have you done with my little sister?"

I gave him a smile. "Very funny."

"Hannah tells me that you´re not feeling good."

"Yea, I think I´m coming down with something. I took Tylenol and now I feel a bit better."

Adam reached out to feel my forehead, "You don´t feel like you have a fever, but maybe the Tylenol´s helped."

"I´m just real tired," I told him.

Adam nodded, "Lots of emotion and stress can do that to a person." He patted my leg. "I think it´s time we talked a bit more. Come on up to my room."

I followed Adam up to he and Hannah´s room and he shut the door behind us. I climbed on their bed and sat in the middle of one side with my legs crossed. Adam sat on the end of the bed the same side I was sitting on with one leg folded on the bed and one leg on the floor so that he could face me.

He cleared his throat and when he spoke, his voice was stern. "I got some stuff to say to you. Firstly, let´s talk punishment. I already said I won´t spank you for the other day and I´m sure you know by now that Brian won´t either. But that doesn´t mean what you did was ok. I understand why you lashed out and while I´m not happy about it, I´m not punishing you for that. You´re being punished for taking off yet again and hitchhiking. I want you to tell me why hitchhiking is so dangerous."

I couldn´t help rolling my eyes a little. "Come on, Adam, I know why. I know it was wrong."

Adam shook his head. "I don´t care. I want to hear you tell me."

I sighed. "Because I don´t know who the person is who´s driving and they could be dangerous and hurt or even kill me. Or they could be under the influence of alcohol or drugs and we could get in an accident." I parroted back to him.

"You did it, nonetheless!" Adam said, sounding angry.

"But I was desperate, Adam!" I pleaded and then wished I hadn´t because his eyes narrowed slightly and he was giving me a look I recognized all too well.

"Are you trying to justify this to me?"

I shut my mouth and vehemently shook my head. "No, Adam."

"Mmhmm. Because that´s what it sounds like to me." His eyes were still narrowed at me and he was looking increasingly aggravated.

"No, I swear to you, I´m not. I promise I´ll never do it again."

"You had better not. And you can´t keep running off when things get tough, Heidi. Only cowards run away and don´t face their problems head on and McFaddens aren´t cowards."

"I know, Adam. Brian, Crane and Daniel already spoke to me about it and I know how much worry I caused. I promised Brian I would try to use words and come to you when I´ve got something on my mind and I mean it."

Adam looked slightly mollified by my words. "Okay then. So because of those things, you´re grounded for three weeks. And that includes all the normal things that go with grounding: no TV, no talking on the phone etc."

"But-" I had opened my mouth to say something but Adam held up a hand, interrupting me.

"I´m not done, young lady." I felt my eyes widen at much of a roll Adam was on and he continued, "You´ve been a grade A brat lately and once again, whilst I understand why, I want it to stop. So, every time I hear a complaint from you during these next three weeks about being grounded, of if you give me or Brian or Crane or Hannah any attitude, I´m going to add an extra day to your grounding. If you want your grounding to be up in three weeks flat you´ll be a model prisoner. You got that?"

"Yes, Adam," I said, as respectfully as I could. Adam´s face softened slightly and he patted the spot next to him at the end of the bed.

"Come sit by me here."

I inched forward and sat on the edge of the bed so that I was closer to him but still kept my legs crossed.

"Secondly, I think we need to spend some more time together. I feel like I´ve kind of lost you lately so I´m going to make time for us to hang out. Just you and me. I want you to feel like you can talk to me about your feelings, Heidi. I know you´re not going to want to tell me everything but you could have made your life easier but telling me how you´ve been feeling about mom and dad. I know I´m not always around or that I´m busy a lot of the time but I´ll change that. That sound ok to you, or is it another punishment in itself?"

I looked at him, seriously. "It´s not a punishment to spend time with you," I told him softly. There was so much I wanted to say to him but I didn´t really know where to start and I didn´t want it to come out wrong. Adam read me correctly and waited patiently.

Finally I formulated what I wanted to say. "I really appreciate what you´ve done for me… looking after me and the others. I know I´ve not been too nice to be around lately because I´ve been feeling mad and sad about mom and dad and I took it out on all of you… it´s got me thinking…" I trailed off, looking for the right words again. "It´s got me thinking about you…"

Adam looked surprised. "About me? What about me?"

I tried to meet him directly in the eye. "Adam, aren´t you mad about having to stay here, on the ranch and look after us and not get to live your own life. I know you wanted to go to college and be a doctor rather than stay here on the ranch…"

Adam held my gaze for a moment and I saw that he was shocked by my words. I was worried that I had upset him when he reached out and put his hand on my knee.

"No, Heidi. I´m not mad. I made my peace with it a long time ago," he said quietly but firmly.

"But your life could have been completely different if you didn´t need to look after us!" I protested.

Adam nodded slowly, "Yes… it could have been and if mom and dad hadn´t died when they did, I´m sure it would have been different but you play the cards you´re dealt in life and these are my cards."

I looked down at my fingernails and Adam reached out and nudged my chin up so I was looking at him. There was an expression I couldn´t quite place on his face.

"I like taking care of you, Heidi. I wouldn´t change it."

"Not even if you could bring mom and dad back?" I asked him.

Adam looked sad. "That´s not going to happen, honey, so there´s no point in entertaining thoughts like that."

For some reason his words triggered the ache in my chest and reinstated my waterfall of tears. Adam noting them, continued. "I know this is real hard on you, baby. You´ll have to just learn to accept things as they are." He reached over and pulled me into a fierce hug, letting me cry some more.

I was still crying when he kissed the top of my head and pulled back. He let me go and got up, crossing to the dresser and rummaged around, pulling something out of the top drawer. He came back and sat at the edge of the bed with me again with the thing he had pulled out in one hand and a tissue in the other. He handed me the tissue and I mopped up my face for what seemed like the millionth time in the space of a few short days. I thought ironically that I was single handedly keeping the tissue company in business.

Tears were still rolling down my face when Adam grabbed my hand. "I´ve got something to give you," he said to me and then he opened his hand.

Inside the palm of his hand lay two rings. One was a plain gold band and the other was a gold band with a small diamond set in prongs at the top. I picked them up and studied them more closely, running my fingers along the smooth bits of the edges. I looked at Adam questioningly.

"They´re mom and dad´s wedding rings. I talked about it with Brian earlier. We want you to have them. We can get you a gold chain and you can wear them around your neck if you like. Or you don´t have to wear them at all if you don´t want to. We just thought it might help you to feel closer to them," he said.

I was so moved by the gesture that I couldn´t really say anything for a minute and then I choked out, "Thank you, Adam. I love the idea of wearing them as a necklace."

Adam smiled a little at me. I was so tired by this point- the numbing effects of the Tylenol were starting to wear off and the flu-like symptoms were returning.

"I don´t feel so good, Adam," I cried to him, pathetically.

Adam´s hand returned to my forehead and then he took the rings from me and put them in a little box on Hannah´s bedside table. He told me to lay down on the bed and covered me with a blanket he grabbed from the large armchair in the corner of his room. He sat on the edge of the bed and stroked my hair rhythmically. I continued to cry but his actions were soothing and I soon quietened down and became heavy-eyed. Just before I fell asleep, I opened my eyes sleepily and slurred, "I love you, Adam,"

Adam just continued to stroke my hair. "I love you too, honey."

I slept away the rest of the afternoon and only woke up when I felt someone shaking me gently awake. I could hear flurries of noise and activity from downstairs and computed that it was probably supper time. Opening my eyes, I saw Daniel crouched down by the side of the bed, him being the one that had woken me up.

"Welcome back, kiddo. You ok?" Daniel asked me.

I looked at him and paused, but then answered him as honestly as I could, "No. I´m not okay right now. But I will be eventually…"

 **This chapter concludes the story. Thanks so much to everyone who gave up their time to read, loyal reviewers, and those who dipped in and out. I may do a sequel or a prequel at some point so watch this space!**


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